The Untold Stories

It's 12.46 am. Today: Woke up... got my usual morning kisses from Jay...kissed him back...asked for breakfast to be served...he said he could make it in 30 mins... but I told him not to...continued sleeping for like 30 mins...woke up...had char siew buns and coffee for breakfast...did my work....heated up the fried rice he put in my fridge for lunch...worked...cooked the frozen udon noodles he bought (*imported from Japan*) with beef balls and eggs for an early dinner...worked...Jay came at 8pm just now...and we went out for a quick dessert...came back...watched a travel show on YouTube...cuddled a bit...he had to leave at around 11pm... So this is Jay >>> he normally wakes up earlier than me because he has to go work, and every morning, I would wake up to morning kisses on my WhatsApp...unless we argued the day before (but even if we did, he would normally still send me kisses). >>>He doesn't mind driving 30 mins to my place, just to see me...He would ...

I asked Jay to leave me alone. I whatsapped him after our usual nightly call.  Part of me was frustrated at him. How could he just ask me to rest early (after having talked just like 10 mins, we normally do more than 30 mins) when I told him I was having headache. on hindsight, maybe he really wanted me to get more rest?  I said I was confused with myself (still am actually). Sometimes I feel very much loved and blessed to have him, but sometimes I feel frustrated, annoyed or even angry at him.  I think I am creating too many expectations. I am like a prince (or princess?) wanting the best for everything from him. I want all his attention (when I want it), I want him to exceed my expectations if possible. I want him to always be sensitive and considerate without the need for me to ask for it.  I think I am asking for too much.  After all, we've only been together for like half a year? And we are not even married. Even if we are married, I shou...

We've been 'planning' (more like thinking) our end-of-the-year trip to South East Asia. Big drama (he said it was a 'discussion') over the weekend. I was so disappointed and upset when he answered yes to my question: 'So will you still go if I decided not to go?' I don't know what eventually made me to 'let it go' and to convince myself that he still cares and loves me. I think his answer did make me feel as though I was not important enough to make him change 'just' his travel plans. (Perhaps travelling is like a super important thing for some people?) I don't know. Just didn't like the fact that my feelings/well-being got ranked behind his travel plans. Anyway, since I chose to let it go, I might as well forget about what he did/we did on the weekend. We finally made some flight bookings just now. Some. Yes, some. Why? Because I think, it's a bit complicated with the way we are doing it. Not that I want to do it this...

Sometimes, I wonder if it's actually better to love less. To love Jay less. What if he doesn't love me as much as he used to anymore? People view love (as a verb) differently. I love (like) you dear.  vs. I love (like) going to church.  vs. I love (like) teaching, etc. Maybe, I use 'love' only occasionally. Whereas, for him, love is like 'like'? I am just saying maybe.   Sometimes, you just don't know if he loves you As Much as you love him, even though he tells you 'I love you dear" all the time.  Even worse, sometimes, what he says casually left me wondering just how different we could actually be.  For example (just an example), I have always thought that he wanted so much to be with me on the weekends that he reserved 90% of his time for me. But actually, as he unwittingly implied in our conversation some time later, he did it because he was 'afraid' that I would be angry at him for not spending time with m...

9.47 pm Sunday night. Listening to Wanting as I type. Had leftover chinese sausage fried rice for dinner. Dearest Jay was here the afternoon, sent him to the station before dinner time.  It's a pretty nice weekend. Except Friday night, as I messed it up a little myself. I was feeling tired, mentally and physically already by the time we met up. Anyway, we argued  discussed about my future plans. Mainly because I was worried that my future plans would not progress in the most ideal way I had hoped it to be and that financially, I couldn't earn as much as him. And the other issues surrounding this. I have to say that if not for his rather high level of tolerance, he would either have killed me or left me already.  In my last post, I complained about him. Can't really remember now what it was exactly, but I think it was about how he failed to communicate with me effectively and/or me having to guess what his plans were...Anyway, I think he has been forced to cons...

I am feeling annoyed for no real reason. Actually it's since last night. I was dismayed by his lack of sensitivity and reciprocation. How could he just leave like that. I know it was late, but honestly i felt a bit degraded. Should I tell him? But how? Perhaps it's just a one-off and hence it's not necessary to bring it up unless he repeats it? He probably didn't realise I feel offended, and am still feeling the resentment. He is usually sensitive but why? What's worse is that he probably thinks I am fine and did not even call me until I did so this afternoon. Well I told you I got to do my readings in the afternoon, but you could still ask me out for dinner. Totally not in the mood to do anything. It is tormenting having to guess what the other person is thinking/doing/feeling. I need a stress ball or a punching bag right now!

DearEST Jay, you are just so amazing!!! <3 This is a picture of what I found laying on the floor the yesterday morning when I came home from the airport. Just as most people who fly economy, I was exhausted as sleeping on the plane was impossible. I was also feeling a bit stressed knowing that I would have to deal with the mess I left behind before I left for Malaysia.  I moved, just a few days before I went home. It took me the entire week, to move stuff over bit by bit. And FYI, stuff that I managed to move here only constitutes 30% of all my assets in my old room. I threw out a lot of stuff.  Before I left, I had only spent a night at my new place (with Jay, refer to one of my previous posts).  I was planning to 'close one eye', shower, and sleep straight away and deal with the mess later.  I found a candle and a piece of paper. It took me a few seconds to realise that I didn't write/put the note on the floor myself before I left. Perpl...