Moving on. Still something I hate to hear, very much.
It was one the guys that I dated who first talked about 'moving on'. He was telling me that in life we all have to move on, and that's what he did with his past relationships, as I can vaguely remember. I remember telling him how bad it is to move on, and that people shouldn't be made to move on, because it's a bad thing, it's saddening.
After i broke up with my ex, he kept telling me to move on, to stop contacting him and that he's moved on.
'What's wrong with you guys seriously!', I said to myself, how can people be so heartless. I simply can't move on, just like that. I always think people who are able to move on simply because they haven't really fallen deep enough for someone. Just my opinion, you may disagree.
It will be the 1st of July in 5 minutes.
For the past 6 months, I wasn't very happy. It was rocky. It was hard.
All because I fucked up.
In Jan, we were already on the brink of breaking up. I fucked up. I was super guilty. I started to get worried about getting infected with the disease because I did something wrong, and maybe i will get punishment. And because of the all the worries, our holiday back in Malaysia and Singapore didn't go well at all. And, I finally had to tell you the truth. I couldn't hide the fact that I did something wrong against you. I couldn't pretend nothing happened. I have to be responsible, for our relationship, so I thought.
Things were still hard for us after we got back to Sydney. It took me until March to be partially convinced that I was not infected with the disease. But soon, I fell ill again starting late March, through to April, as the flu season started in Australia. Again, I was struck with anxiety, thinking that the illness might be something worse. Because I did something wrong, I may be punished by God, and that's something I deserve.
You couldn't stand me anymore. You decided to leave me.
At one point, I thought I could 'move on', and so I became very active on Jack'D, and ended up visiting sauna and thought I could lead a 'vibrant' gay life, and would never be hurt by a relationship anymore.
Unfortunately, that incident on May 5th happened. I was so traumatised emotionally by it. With all the anxieties, panics, worsened by the fact that you actually didn't care. Not that you have the obligation to do so, but my own wishfulness and foolishness.
With all the support from friends, and God's presence, I was able to live till today. Tomorrow will be 29th day post PEP, things should be getting better, I hoped. But I fucked up again yesterday. To many of you, this may be nothing. I am not in a relationship. I can 'have fun' as I like. But it's against my principles. I thought I could 'have fun', but it was 'having fun' that got me into all these troubles, worries today. So I decided to not do it again, but I failed. I was vulnerable.
Yes, I really have to move on. It's 1st July already. I will go for another test tomorrow morning (this morning actually), will be seeing the counsellor. And I will have to start planning for my studies. Should I or Could I apply for special consideration, so that I could have a few extra weeks. Or Should I apply for a suspension so that I could rest for a semester? I am tired. I am not at my best.
Health. Relationship. Religion.
There are so many things on my plate. But I couldn't share any of these with my dearest family.
Moving on. Moving forward.
Where to? How to?
It was one the guys that I dated who first talked about 'moving on'. He was telling me that in life we all have to move on, and that's what he did with his past relationships, as I can vaguely remember. I remember telling him how bad it is to move on, and that people shouldn't be made to move on, because it's a bad thing, it's saddening.
After i broke up with my ex, he kept telling me to move on, to stop contacting him and that he's moved on.
'What's wrong with you guys seriously!', I said to myself, how can people be so heartless. I simply can't move on, just like that. I always think people who are able to move on simply because they haven't really fallen deep enough for someone. Just my opinion, you may disagree.
It will be the 1st of July in 5 minutes.
For the past 6 months, I wasn't very happy. It was rocky. It was hard.
All because I fucked up.
In Jan, we were already on the brink of breaking up. I fucked up. I was super guilty. I started to get worried about getting infected with the disease because I did something wrong, and maybe i will get punishment. And because of the all the worries, our holiday back in Malaysia and Singapore didn't go well at all. And, I finally had to tell you the truth. I couldn't hide the fact that I did something wrong against you. I couldn't pretend nothing happened. I have to be responsible, for our relationship, so I thought.
Things were still hard for us after we got back to Sydney. It took me until March to be partially convinced that I was not infected with the disease. But soon, I fell ill again starting late March, through to April, as the flu season started in Australia. Again, I was struck with anxiety, thinking that the illness might be something worse. Because I did something wrong, I may be punished by God, and that's something I deserve.
You couldn't stand me anymore. You decided to leave me.
At one point, I thought I could 'move on', and so I became very active on Jack'D, and ended up visiting sauna and thought I could lead a 'vibrant' gay life, and would never be hurt by a relationship anymore.
Unfortunately, that incident on May 5th happened. I was so traumatised emotionally by it. With all the anxieties, panics, worsened by the fact that you actually didn't care. Not that you have the obligation to do so, but my own wishfulness and foolishness.
With all the support from friends, and God's presence, I was able to live till today. Tomorrow will be 29th day post PEP, things should be getting better, I hoped. But I fucked up again yesterday. To many of you, this may be nothing. I am not in a relationship. I can 'have fun' as I like. But it's against my principles. I thought I could 'have fun', but it was 'having fun' that got me into all these troubles, worries today. So I decided to not do it again, but I failed. I was vulnerable.
Yes, I really have to move on. It's 1st July already. I will go for another test tomorrow morning (this morning actually), will be seeing the counsellor. And I will have to start planning for my studies. Should I or Could I apply for special consideration, so that I could have a few extra weeks. Or Should I apply for a suspension so that I could rest for a semester? I am tired. I am not at my best.
Health. Relationship. Religion.
There are so many things on my plate. But I couldn't share any of these with my dearest family.
Moving on. Moving forward.
Where to? How to?
Sounds really similar to what I went through. It'll definitely take awhile, but you'll move on. Not entirely, but at least enough that your every waking moment won't be occupied by the one who got away.
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