I remember when we argued, I used to tell Jay how much my situation is different from his. He has a family here and they are living together while me, I am ALONE, yes, just by myself here. He grew up here, he went to school here and so friends from primary and high schools still can keep in touch easily.
Sometimes I attribute my OCD with hygiene, with personal safety and with anxieties in general to the fact that I am alone here, and that I have NO ONE TO FALL BACK ON.
It's different when you know you have parents looking after you. You can afford to be a bit lax about hygiene. But now that I'm here by myself, I get very worried (sometimes excessively) whenever I have a sore throat or when I simply feel unwell. "What if I am sick?" "what if it's so serious that I need to go to hospital?" "do I call the ambulance?" "who is going to let the paramedics in?" "what if I can't go work? can't work for an extended period of time?"
Recently, when I was 'caught' by transport officers in Melbourne because I forgot to tap on, Jay was the first one I needed to tell even though at that time we were no longer together.
I put his name and contact details down every time I was asked for "emergency contact details". Like the travel insurance I purchased recently for end of the year travel. I think it's time to remove his name and contact details there.
And then tonight, as I was looking at places to move to, Jay just appeared in my mind out of no where. I am increasingly annoyed by my current landlord. The last time I was looking for a place to move to, I wanted to move to a suburb that was closer to where Jay lives. Now that doesn't matter anymore. I guess I really need someone that I can fall back on, that I can count on. I am really tired of having to do all these mental calculations and planning all by myself. And it seems like money is really important when you have no one to rely on. More money = more options, more money = workers to help you move.
Sometimes I attribute my OCD with hygiene, with personal safety and with anxieties in general to the fact that I am alone here, and that I have NO ONE TO FALL BACK ON.
It's different when you know you have parents looking after you. You can afford to be a bit lax about hygiene. But now that I'm here by myself, I get very worried (sometimes excessively) whenever I have a sore throat or when I simply feel unwell. "What if I am sick?" "what if it's so serious that I need to go to hospital?" "do I call the ambulance?" "who is going to let the paramedics in?" "what if I can't go work? can't work for an extended period of time?"
Recently, when I was 'caught' by transport officers in Melbourne because I forgot to tap on, Jay was the first one I needed to tell even though at that time we were no longer together.
I put his name and contact details down every time I was asked for "emergency contact details". Like the travel insurance I purchased recently for end of the year travel. I think it's time to remove his name and contact details there.
And then tonight, as I was looking at places to move to, Jay just appeared in my mind out of no where. I am increasingly annoyed by my current landlord. The last time I was looking for a place to move to, I wanted to move to a suburb that was closer to where Jay lives. Now that doesn't matter anymore. I guess I really need someone that I can fall back on, that I can count on. I am really tired of having to do all these mental calculations and planning all by myself. And it seems like money is really important when you have no one to rely on. More money = more options, more money = workers to help you move.
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