The Untold Stories

I have a draft saved, but I have decided to start all over again with this post now. I have moved to a new place. A suburb in Sydney's west. There are many Koreans here. Tonight will be my 6th night here in my new room. In the draft, I was writing about how  I moved in detail. On second thoughts, however, I think what's important or worth noting or remembering is the 'bigger picture'. I moved, over three days, with Jay's help. Yes. It's the same Jay. The one that I recently wrote about. The one that broke my heart. The one that I broke up with. It's somewhat ironic, because I was determined not to let him know that I was going to move. The day (or two days) after  that night , we talked over the phone. I was able to speak calmly. I was able to tell him properly about my feelings, my feelings about him, about this relationship, and why I was feeling the way I did, and why I  decided that I was single . Honestly I cannot remember exactly what we talk...

Spent the weekend packing, throwing things out, and moving things over to my new abode. Packing- filling a bag or suitcase with stuff is not that hard. The necessary tidy-up that precedes packing is the hardest bit. Have to be decisive and ruthless when it comes to getting rid of things that I haven't used for at least a year. I am a borderline hoarder. I like to keep stuff, because just in case / who knows one day I might miss this, or need that. My pathology test results, x-ray films,  undergrad course notes, vocabulary notebooks since high school that I had brought with from Malaysia, a Nokia cell phone (just in case I might need it for camping one day), my first smartphone, graphic calculator from Year 12, a few Casio calculators, key rings/souvenirs given to me by my family which I have never used, boarding passes from the first trip with Jay, the letters he wrote me, books that I brought with 6 years ago, piano scores for some church hymns that I used to play when I fel...

Right now, I am falling to pieces.  Everything. Every single thing in my life seems to have fallen apart.  Jay called me and asked for 30 mins of my time tonight. He drove over. I went downstairs and we talked in the car.  To be honest, I wasn't expecting him to be blaming himself for everything, say sorry, and ask for my forgiveness. That would be too ideal.  Actually I didn't even know what to hope for when he called me. I proclaimed yesterday that I am single again. I have plenty of reasons to leave him for good. In fact, I have too many.  I guessed when he called me asking to come over tonight, I was hoping for some peaceful closure.  I tried very hard to keep the emotions inside. I tried to act cool. Showing contempt even. Acted as if I didn't really need the apology he offered. Acted as if I had achieved self-actualisation and 'love' was something I didn't care about.  He started off by apologising for the pain that he ...