The Untold Stories

Have been writing less these days. It also means that I am spending less time summarising, thinking, reflecting, and communicating. Studies: DONE for this level, but not finished yet. Got my results about a week ago (14 July?). Not tip-top, but OK la. I think as I grow older, I am more able to accept an outcome, even if it's not what I have wanted or hoped for. I was in the lounge room at my old place, and was chatting with a housemate while I was on my way out to have breakfast. We were talking about the release of results on the new student portal. He said he got his, and so I tried it once again, and I saw my results. I couldn't speak literally. Not sure if he could sense anything. And without saying anything, I left the house and walked to my favourite cafe in the icy cold winter morning. My mind was full of self-consoling words. Indeed, what more can I ask for. From 0 to xx. I was literally at 0 a year ago. And maybe 10, 3 months before the thesis was due. In the la...

Today is father's day? Opps...I am too busy to care...vomiting blood + words trying to complete my thesis!!! due Wednesday!!! Anyway, I am sure there are plenty of good sons like you out there. SO I want to share this with you. Jay shared this with me. (Proper referencing you see!) I got no guts to share this on my FB haha!

If only I could have less (bad) things to write about. I discovered that the mirror I had brought with me had broken. It had the size of a iPad mini. What I didn't realise until just now was that not only did it leave pieces of broken glasses in my suitcase, it also produced glass shards that were as tiny as powder. These powdery glass shards were not as visible. I shone the torch on my clothes and was shocked with the glitter. I also cut myself when I tried to remove those larger pieces of broken glasses. Is it a bad omen? I don't know but it had definitely given me more work. I am washing those clothes now. Hopefully the powdery glass shards will get rinsed out. If not hopefully the dryer will filter them out when I dry them later. And then, I have got to go through about 20 pieces of these clothing, under the table lamp to kinda make sure that there aren't any left. Otherwise, I will have to dump them away :( Sigh....Sigh...Sigh... Last night, my aunt c...

Arrived this morning. First time flying with an Airbus (A330-300) to Sydney. Since the plane is made by a different maker, as opposed to Boeing which is usually the plane used for this route by most airlines, there are some differences. The lighting in the toilet is better, it makes you look better without revealing all the wrinkles and blemishes on your face, unlike the harsh lighting in older Boeing planes. The new A330-300 also has a bigger touchscreen display. Watched Gravity and Police Story (2004). Enjoyed watching Gravity, especially when I was so many kilometres above the ground. Quality of food served by this particular airline has been deteriorating. Flew with it over the last few years and it's all going downhill. Not to mention the quality of air stewards and stewardesses. Serious brain drain. LCCT is like a refugee camp, while KLIA is no better. International visitors are no longer favouring Malaysia as a prime destination, as evidenced by the lack of interna...

On our way home @SS2...not very nice leh Am feeling very very tired right now. Just spent 8 hours in the car today. Traffic was heavy but still moveable thankfully. Can't really do a proper summary for the happenings in the last few days. But I can say that the 'climax' of this CNY thing has passed. Despite the usual quibbles, which were rather harmless (i hope), i guess we were still enjoying each other's company. Dad and mum have to go back to work on Wednesday. A day before I leave for Sydney. Sisters have also left for work and study. So the remaining two days here would be quite quiet. Not planning any meet ups with friends either as they have also either left the town or haven't been back. As with most other families, there are some characters within the extended family that I don't really like. But I am glad that I did manage it well this year, by maintaining a friendly smile throughout. Paternal grandma's lucid moments seem to be di...

A chinese grocery store at the market Strangely, I am not feeling all joyful, definitely not in euphoria. Firstly, my routine gets disrupted. I haven't touched the book that I was reading since I came back, I haven't written a post till now, no gym, etc.... But isn't this what I wanted? To get away from the boring routine, and immerse myself in the company of family and friends? I get annoyed. There are frictions. We've developed our own routines and ways of doing things. I feel sad. I had dinner with my grandma the night I arrived. She's incontinent (not able to control her urination well). The following day when she saw me, she asked me when did I arrive. Clear sign of dementia. I know it's all natural. There's no way to reverse ageing. She will leave one day, just like my grandpa. I tried visiting her when I have the car, but there wasn't much that we could talk about. Next time when I come back again, she may not remember who I am an...

11.21pm Sydney. 1st Jan 2013.  1st Jan 2014 is gonna end soon. (Notice the typo in the caption? Now I noticed it, but just let it be, it takes time i guess to train my mind to write 2014 not 13.)  StrictlyGay and Ultra Jinoman had each made their summaries of 2013.  For me, as you may already know, it would be quite painful for me to recall the major events. The best thing that happened to me was probably my family's visit to Sydney.  I can still remember how naive and innocent I was back then, in 2010 when I first arrived in Sydney. still very much a Kampong boy. Winter 2010 (June), perhaps still very innocent as a mummy boy or whatever you call it, I went home to spend the semester break. I was excited, I had so much to tell, I blabbered on and on, all the way from KLIA for 3 hours. I told them about the uni, how much better the lecturers here were, how life was different in Sydney, etc.  Fast forward to now, 2014. It's been almost 4 years...

Since young, I've always liked to drink. (Not drinking alcohol!)  I like to eat as well (my grandma gave me the title 'the rat in the house' because I would check the cupboards in the kitchen for 'new arrivals', cookies that she had just bought home for me).  Back to drinking, I guess a good way of putting it is that my parents are thrifty. I don't think we were very poor la, but now come to think of it it's a bit sad haha.  For example, as kids we didn't know there were choices. So breakfast, we had bread because dad would always buy a loaf of Gardenia bread and we would eat it with jams. I liked peanut butter a lot for my bread but my dad would say they were expensive compared to just having fruit jams. But anyway, once in a while, I still succeeded in convincing him to get me peanut butter for breakfast.  So back to being thrifty. So, I have always envied people in the supermarkets who could get whatever they wanted into the shopping ...

So this is my desk.  I finally had the courage today to clear away the clutter on my desk. Not only my desk actually, I've also thrown out 3 garbage bags full of stuff.  This is the before and after look.  Yes, it took courage. For the last 6 months or so or probably longer, I was just too tired emotionally to re-organize my life, my desk, my everything.  See the piles of notes, journal articles and books there? I wasn't reading them. I put my studies on hold. But I just didn't have the courage to put them away.  As I was tidying the desk/room this afternoon, I was reminded a lot about my ex. Old stuff resurfaced.  There are the backpack he bought me, the wax seal, the lego I made, the box for the lego I bought him, the pair of remote controlled helicopters we own, the drawing book he gave me, etc.... He was also the one who changed the configuration of my room (how my bed and desk are placed now).  There are just so mu...

There is just so much to write about..I don't know where to start. On Thursday, I woke up with a slight feeling of headache. I actually made plan to visit a chinese doctor on Thursday so I wasn't that worried because the doctor would have more obvious symptoms to make a diagnosis. Went to see a different doctor this time. The previous doctor at Tong Ren Tang was ok but I didn't want to spend so much on acupuncture and I wanted a second opinion. The doctor this time wasn't that good at communicating. He wasn't able to give me a precise answer. He only said it's a bit of 'heatiness' and that's it. Prescribed me some chinese herbs and I had the shop to boil for me. I can still feel a bit of headache now though it's better than Thursdsay. I can still feel the low grade fever. Eyes are not that dry though compared to few days ago. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me! I am so tired yet so stressed. I feel like I want to shou...

It's almost time for bed. But am forcing myself to write these down. General Family had gone back to Malaysia yesterday morning. Had to booked two taxis as they were unable to send me a 'Maxi' (an MPV). Arrived at the airport, checked in and had hungry jacks breakfast. Bought some scones the night before, so my parents had scones, my elder sis wanted porridge and me and my younger sis had the breakfast sets. (Am I going into too much details here?) Sent them off. Had a pic taken outside the departure gate. Wasn't teary at all. Was probably too tired. Anyway, it's just 8 hours away, no big drama. Spent the whole afternoon yesterday watching porn, sleeping, wanking. Went to the gym for a 30 min run. Had McD for dinner. Purchased the Large Meal so I got a free Coca-cola glass. It's actually my first glass of this sort. Never collected McD merchandise. Played one game (dota) last night. I was so so bad. Probably lacked of practise for a week plus I was so...

I am exhausted. I think I'm pushing myself towards the max already. Travelling around with the family made me think about stuff even more. It made me realise how 'important' I am. Perhaps it's my point of view, and I really hope it's just me being biased and not being able to see from another perspective. I really hope this is not the case. I noticed that my sisters are passive, they are not as 'smart' or 'thoughtful' or 'well-planned' as me. It made my worried. Every day, while they are here, I will have to think about places to bring them to. I will have to make sure that while bringing them to those places, on our way there and while we are there, they will be able to hear 'important info' I tell them so that they don't miss anything, so that it will be worth their trip. I will have to make sure they are following, that I am not walking too fast. I will have to think about places for us to dine. I will have to remind ...

It's tiring to be a guide. I think I may soon lose my voice. Too much talking.  Woke up this morning and called the clinic. Thank god that they had slots available. So I went in at 10.30 to collect my test result. It's negative. Thank God.  Started with my university. Had to be really patient. Everything seemed beautiful to them hence lots of waiting for photo taking. But I was telling myself, it's worth it la, they travelled so far to visit me and it's a blessing to be able to be with them.  Went to chinatown. Had the famous vietnamese Pho for lunch. Haven't been to there myself, so first time for me too. It was really good. Mum made a mistake with her order but was happily surprised with the 'wrong' order.  Walked around Chinatown. Bought sim cards. Bought some souvenirs already. Mum bought a 'cheap' jacket too, haha. As long as she's happy.  For dinner, brought them to a Thai restaurant at the Darling Harbour. The place I we...

After picking up my parents and sisters at the airport, came home to put their luggages, we went to the nearby Italian pizza place for a quick dinner.  They were all very tired already. Same with me. Ordered two large pizzas to share. Happy to have them here!  After the dinner, came home, gave them the wifi password, showed them the bathrooms, passed them the toothpastes, the hair dryer, lent my old laptop to my mum, made them chamomile tea, and finally have some time for myself before i go to bed.  It's been a long day actually.  Woke up at 5 or 6. Tried to sleep again but the quality wasn't that good. Had some oatmeal for breakfast and called my sis who were waiting at the airport back in Malaysia.  Decided to go for another test today as today (Friday) is the 28th day post the unprotected oral sex. I know I am having too many tests but I really want to have some peace and certainty so that I could be cheerful and happy to bring my famil...

As I'm writing this, it's technically Friday already, but it's still Thursday night for me. Pretty much wasted the whole day. Perhaps it was the masturbation this early morning and lack of exercise that made me feel weak, without energy. Just wanted to stay in bed till as late as possible. Got up, had some biscuits and coffee, and continued sleeping. Woke up, washed up and went out for lunch. Went to the same Jolly cafe again, had a beef burger, fries and a cup of Flat White. Came home, and spent the whole afternoon, literally, looking at profiles on Jack'D. It's getting a little bit extreme. No sex involved. No intention for sex. I guess I am just really lonely, just want to have someone to chat with me. Just want to know someone, and hopefully that someone will cheer me up, will interest me, and bring me out from all these. Cooked brown rice, steamed 2 beaten eggs. That's my dinner. Went to the church and played some songs for like an hour. J...

Peace, and Love are things that we easily take for granted. In the past 2 months especially, I have been struggling to get peace and to feel loved. I've always failed to realised the importance of Peace and Love until I lost them. I hope I have learned something. I hope I will be able to not take things for granted, but I know it's always easier said than done. I phoned to the Sexual Health clinic this afternoon, and I was given a negative test result. Thank God. Before the test, I kept telling myself, if the 4th week post-pep test is negative, I should most likely be ok because I've had tests at 1,2,3,4 wk post-pep and the tests detect both antigens and antibodies. If PEP failed, the virus should be replicating and the tests should be able to detect the antigen component at least, even if not enough antibodies were produced. However, now having the 4th week test result, I am still not relieved. I've been thinking about various possible reasons that could cause a fa...

'Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you.' (Isaiah 49:15) Just received this bible verse from my mum on whatsapp. Yes, 'I' most probably means God in that context, but to me, I feel that it's a way my mum is telling me that I'm her in her thoughts. I guess my parents and aunt must be worried about me recently, especially so as they don't know exactly what I'm facing. But there's no way I could let them know, and I only hope I will turn out fine, when I get the test results in the next few weeks. Went to my GP yesterday, and she told me that my Hep C Qualitative PCR was negative. She said she called the pathology and got the result but it hasn't been sent to her electronically yet and she promised she will post a copy to me once she got it. My 23rd day post-PEP test was negative. And I've booked myself a test next Monday, which will be 29th...

Called the clinic today for my 23rd day post-PEP result. Thank God, it was negative. Called the pathology just now, and finally the Hep C PCR Qualitative test had been completed and should go back to my GP tomorrow morning. Will be seeing my GP tomorrow. Hope it will be fine. Had a nightmare this morning and woke up with sweat on my forehead. I was afraid that it will be related to HIV symptoms- night sweats. It was 6.30 am but I quickly grabbed my phone and started to search about night sweats. I hope it was just the anxiety and nightmare that caused the sweat. I wasn't sweating profusely though. I hope this wouldn't make me worried to go to bed tonight. I really hope I will be able to let it go. The counsellor I spoke with on Monday said it was a 'trauma' to me. Being a super meticulous person, especially with regard to having protected sex, this incident was something 'beyond my control' and that I am still in shock. It was my mum's birthday yeste...

So today is the 23rd day since i finished PEP. Went to a different sexual health clinic today, about 30 mins by train from the city, to have another test. This is because I can't keep going to the same clinic because they will refuse to test me so often. It wasn't as quick this time. Waited for about an hour to be finally seen by a doctor. This clinic has a different system. Because I wanted a rapid test in addition to the conventional one, it had to be performed by a doctor, instead of a nurse. Had a rapid test (Trinity Uni Gold) which is currently on trial in NSW. It is not licensed in Australia yet. Got a negative result with it but I wasn't relieved because this test only tests for antibodies, unlike the recently approved rapid test (Alere Determine) that tests for both antigens and antibodies. Anyway, I really hope I will be fine. The Hep C PCR Qualitative test had not been performed by the lab yet, when I phoned the lab this afternoon, it was still pending. So s...

My dad just skyped me. And shortly after that, my aunt skyped me. I could only tell my dad about the discomfort of my throat, and 'everyday' stress. I had to tell my family because if I needed any special arrangement from the uni, eventually I will have to tell them, so it's a way of 'paving the way'. I guess my dad must have told my aunt. So she called and told me a lot of chinese medicine stuff. What's good for you, what you shouldn't eat.... I couldn't tell them exactly what I am undergoing. What they advised sounded totally irrelevant to my situation. I couldn't help but to show my impatience while talking to them. I am sorry, it's just that I can't tell you, it's just that what i have on my plate is a lot more complicated that you can imagine. On the other hand, I am thankful that i have a family who cares about me. Who don't really mind my impatience, or rudeness. Tomorrow I will go for another test, 3 weeks post PEP. ...