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I want to punch someone...

There's so much emotion inside me right now that I don't even know where to begin nor how to describe how I am feeling. I think my insides are shaking.

It all started at 6.30pm tonight, as I arrived at the venue for the asian gay men event. I did try to prepare myself for it. 'It' being what if I bump into Jay there?

I have shared with people around me about this asian gay men event. I simply thought it was a healthier and a more meaningful alternative to Jack'D/Grindr for gay men to mingle. I came to know about the event, and attended my first one three years ago.

I told my first about it, and even until today i still encouraged him to go. I told Jay about it, when we were deep in the relationship. But now, I am regretting it.

It is my safe-place to go to. It was me who told you about it. Those people there, they should me my friends. But now, you just appeared and fuck everything.

When I saw Jay there at the entrance, he saw me too, and during that split second, …

Vote for PT Foundation (Just 1-click)

Hello,

If anyone is reading this, could you please click on this link, follow through a few more steps to vote for PT foundation?

"PT Foundation (previously known as Pink Triangle Sdn Bhd) is a community-based, voluntary non-profit making organization providing HIV/AIDS education, prevention, care and support programmes, sexual health and empowerment programmes for vulnerable communities in Malaysia. We work with 5 key affected populations mainly drug users, sex workers, transsexuals, men who have sex with men (MSM), and people living with HIV/AIDS (PLHIV)."

I donated to PT foundation for a few times in the past, and today I just visited their website again and saw that they need votes for a donation.

Please share this out if you can :) Thanks

Teach me how to cry

It sucks.

For the past few nights I have been trying to cry to make myself feel better. But no matter how hard I have tried there's still no tears. 
I looked at the oldest photos I have on my iphone, those taken within the last two years. I have changed. The relationship had changed too. I have aged. My face was slimmer, I looked younger and more cheerful, or cuter. We used to take lots of 'sweet' photos together. Random photos u took of me. Naked,half naked. We would dine out together more on Friday nights. And we would take photos of the food AND of us, but then gradually, only photos of the food. 
I failed to cry maybe because I am afraid of being the 'stupid' one. "What if, actually you never quite liked/loved me?" "What if u thought I was ugly with my acnes?" "What if I was really standing in your way in the last few months, disturbing you when u perhaps had moved on and was dating someone when I kept texting you?" Or worse, "…

Someone to fall back on

I remember when we argued,  I used to tell Jay how much my situation is different from his. He has a family here and they are living together while me, I am ALONE, yes, just by myself here. He grew up here, he went to school here and so friends from primary and high schools still can keep in touch easily.

Sometimes I attribute my OCD with hygiene, with personal safety and with anxieties in general to the fact that I am alone here, and that I have NO ONE TO FALL BACK ON.

It's different when you know you have parents looking after you. You can afford to be a bit lax about hygiene. But now that I'm here by myself, I get very worried (sometimes excessively) whenever I have a sore throat or when I simply feel unwell. "What if I am sick?" "what if it's so serious that I need to go to hospital?" "do I call the ambulance?" "who is going to let the paramedics in?" "what if I can't go work? can't work for an extended period of tim…

I got a job!

Some recent highlights:
I quit PhD! (Yes, no kidding.) and I got my first ever full-time job.
My iPhone 7 128gb black which just arrived today, on which I'm typing.

Well, I've been away from the blog world for a very long time. Haven't been following what people have written, haven't posted anything myself.

After 18 months into the program, I quit. Long story, but everything unfolded a lot quicker than I had imagined. Initially, I merely wanted to change my primary supervisor, and on the surface everyone including her was encouraging and fine. And I got an initial yes from a world renowned professor who recently joined the faculty to become my new primary supervisor. But someone must have erected some roadblocks and then I was left in a limbo, with no ideal candidate as my supervisor.

It's complicated and I don't think it's necessary to write down the sequence of events here. Anyway, I came across a job advertisement and upon seeing it, (on hindsight it'…

New Home

I have a draft saved, but I have decided to start all over again with this post now.

I have moved to a new place. A suburb in Sydney's west. There are many Koreans here.

Tonight will be my 6th night here in my new room.

In the draft, I was writing about how I moved in detail. On second thoughts, however, I think what's important or worth noting or remembering is the 'bigger picture'.

I moved, over three days, with Jay's help. Yes. It's the same Jay. The one that I recently wrote about. The one that broke my heart. The one that I broke up with. It's somewhat ironic, because I was determined not to let him know that I was going to move.

The day (or two days) after that night, we talked over the phone. I was able to speak calmly. I was able to tell him properly about my feelings, my feelings about him, about this relationship, and why I was feeling the way I did, and why I decided that I was single. Honestly I cannot remember exactly what we talked about, but …

Moving: some reflection

Spent the weekend packing, throwing things out, and moving things over to my new abode.

Packing- filling a bag or suitcase with stuff is not that hard. The necessary tidy-up that precedes packing is the hardest bit. Have to be decisive and ruthless when it comes to getting rid of things that I haven't used for at least a year.

I am a borderline hoarder. I like to keep stuff, because just in case / who knows one day I might miss this, or need that.

My pathology test results, x-ray films,  undergrad course notes, vocabulary notebooks since high school that I had brought with from Malaysia, a Nokia cell phone (just in case I might need it for camping one day), my first smartphone, graphic calculator from Year 12, a few Casio calculators, key rings/souvenirs given to me by my family which I have never used, boarding passes from the first trip with Jay, the letters he wrote me, books that I brought with 6 years ago, piano scores for some church hymns that I used to play when I felt str…

"You are not that important anymore"

Right now, I am falling to pieces. 
Everything. Every single thing in my life seems to have fallen apart. 
Jay called me and asked for 30 mins of my time tonight. He drove over. I went downstairs and we talked in the car. 
To be honest, I wasn't expecting him to be blaming himself for everything, say sorry, and ask for my forgiveness. That would be too ideal. 
Actually I didn't even know what to hope for when he called me. I proclaimed yesterday that I am single again. I have plenty of reasons to leave him for good. In fact, I have too many. 
I guessed when he called me asking to come over tonight, I was hoping for some peaceful closure. 
I tried very hard to keep the emotions inside. I tried to act cool. Showing contempt even. Acted as if I didn't really need the apology he offered. Acted as if I had achieved self-actualisation and 'love' was something I didn't care about. 
He started off by apologising for the pain that he caused in the past few weeks. It was…

I found a place to move to! (plus, I m single again)

Well, the title pretty much sums things up.

Struggled to get out of bed as sleep again was poor. Told myself that "today will be better", "be confident", "be optimistic", etc.

Study/work

Got an email from the co-supervisor telling me that I do have some options with my enrolment. Spent some time sending an email to the admin centre, showered, and got ready to go out.

Had lunch at my usual place. Believe it or not, I have been eating fried mee hoon + iced teh tarik for the last month or so, almost every single day, for lunch, even on weekends. I struggled to finish my plate of fried mee hoon.  I felt guilty not appreciating it as much as I could, but I simply didn't quite have the appetite.

My mind was half frozen as sleep was bad. Got to uni, printed something to read, read the first two pages, and decided that I really couldn't do it. My mind was not digesting those words.

Got a call from the admin centre and basically have the following options:

When Breath Becomes Air

I had just finished reading a book last night.

Because of what I do, I read a lot, but reading is limited to academic materials. I am picky when it comes to reading for pleasure. Harry Potter is still the best hands down. A book has to be able to sustain my interest.

I don't have a favourite author, nor a genre. And every time I walked into a book store in the last 5 years at least, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choice, and ended up buying nothing.

Last week, I googled for a book recommendation. I came across this book, entitled When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. It came out as the top 10 books to read now, across different websites. After having read the synopsis and a few reviews I decided the book was a must-buy.

Paul, the author, has died, before the book was completed and published. He was an extremely talented neurosurgeon and neuroscientist, almost completing his residency and it was at the pinnacle of his career that he was diagnosed with lung cancer.

He…

My Colonoscopy & Endoscopy Experience

Monday
Made the appointment for the procedures. Got told to start low-fibre diet. No fruits and vegetables. No wholemeal bread too. 
Tuesday 
Breakfast (2 scones and flat white). Started clear-fluid diet after that. Water, pulp-free juice (e.g. cold pressed apple juice as opposed to cloudy apple juice), coffee/tea without milk, jelly without fruit pieces (avoid red, purple jelly as they may darken the bowel), chicken broth. 
Felt super hungry. Food looked so yummy yesterday. Food in TV shows, food on the street, all looked so good. I felt like eating them all. There were moments my brain signalled me to go get food, but within a second or two, another signal reminded me that I was not supposed to be eating anything. 
I made a pot of chicken soup, basically just a whole chicken and some salt. Had to pour the soup over a strainer to get rid of the little bits and pieces of chicken skin. 
At 7pm last night, I also started the Moviprep, a laxative made in the UK. It came in sachets of powd…

The "Emergency Contact"

Got a letter from the insurance company this morning, confirming that my conditions are not 'pre-existing'. Glad that they are willing to pay for my colonoscopy and endoscopy (with an 'excess' of $500, which means I would have to pay for the first $500 in a calendar year for any claims I make). 
I called the clinic quickly to make an appointment for the procedures. The earliest they have is this Wednesday, so I will be 'admitted' this Wednesday afternoon. 
The lady over the phone said that I must arrange for someone to bring me home after the procedure because I will be sedated (as opposed to anaesthesia) and under NSW laws it is a requirement that I go home accompanied. 
I can't think of anyone really. No family, no friends, no one, just me alone. I told her I have no one that I can ask. I wondered what she thought, poor kid maybe. Fortunately, there is a specialised cab service that I can hire to escort me home. 
Then, there was the pre-admission form. Th…

The Desire to be Desired

Talked to my supervisors today, and I think it went well.

I watched two random TED videos tonight about 'love', and the videos defined 'love' in more or less the same way.

You can say I love to eat cheese, and I love my boyfriend. What's the difference?

The cheese is not going to love you back! It also doesn't bother the cheese whether you like it or not!

But when it comes to love, real love,  it is the desire to be desired.

We hope the person we love would also love us back. But I am doubting.

Is Your Boyfriend on the Same Team As You?

It's almost 2 a.m. now but I couldn't fall asleep. There many things on my mind right now.

I was watching a TED video on pursuing your passion, doing what you could not Not do for you life, to hopefully prep my mind a little for my meeting with my supervisors tomorrow..

I am also thinking about my relationship, one that is fraught with many many issues.

One of the underlying issues I believe, is that he doesn't see/treat me as someone on the same team. 

There are quite a few examples that I can think of.

We are both into collecting frequent flyer points. We would share news about credit card sign up bonuses, best ways to maximise earning rates, etc. What I'd 'planned', or imagined was that one day, both of us, could fly in the business/first class together on a long haul, international flight. The image of us sitting next to each other, drinking and eating pretentious things like caviar, had been playing in my mind constantly since I got into this frequent flye…

Dutch apple cake

You just walked away...
Again
When I am most in need

Feeling really sad these few days. Falling asleep seemed impossible, for the last two nights I was only able to sleep until 5-6am. I'd then try to drag myself out of the apartment, trying to stay positive, but i know it's all fake. The positivity just isn't there. I couldn't concentrate. Regardless of how many 'happiness' TED videos I watched, or how hard I tried to meditate, I simply cannot breathe peacefully. I could feel it. I couldn't take a long breath. It's like you know crying might help but you just can't find a reason to cry. Nobody's died yet. Everything is just going on as per normal, on the surface at least.

I finally sent an email to my supervisors, telling them about the difficulties I am facing (the insomnia, the abdomen). They seemed empathic with their replies, but I will only find out what options I have until I meet with them on thursday.

I feel so empty right now. Like ther…

A Little Summary (2)

As I was scrolling down the list of old posts, I found A Little Summary of my life that I had written about 18 months ago.

I want to do another 'little summary' now.

I am almost a year into my PhD. When the last 'little summary' was written, I had just completed the Honours year.

Honours was really hard, even on hindsight. I don't have much memory of it, probably because I was traumatised. Instead of spending one year/2 semesters (8-9 months actually), I took a break after the first semester. If you have been following my blog, you would know why. It was the darkest period of my life.

I had just gotten my permanent residency at that time. I was beginning to make up my mind to remain and settle down here.

I had also just broken up. Like finally, officially, effectively broken up. I had finally convinced myself that enough is enough. It was my very first relationship. I was very heart broken.

I told myself that I wanted to be happy, to get rid of the blues. I wanted …

How would I spend my Valentine's?

Tomorrow is Valentine's. I didn't plan, not because i didn't want to plan but because I have been too busy and stressed these days. 
I hate big days. Christmas never worked out for me, nor did CNY, my birthdays, mother's day, father's day. Somehow I feel like I am cursed. 
There was a year, mother's day. I bought a tub of ice cream (too young, so I asked my dad to bring me to the supermarket to buy it). I kept it at the freezer. I already had a plan. I wanted to 'present' it to my mum that night. But when I went to have my afternoon nap, my mum opened it and ate some of it. To me at that time, the gift wasn't perfect anymore. I was upset and angry and I told my mum that she 'stole' the ice cream because technically it wasn't hers yet. In the end, we were both upset. 
My birthday. I have stopped celebrating/stopped hoping that someone would surprise me on my birthday for a very long time. Very frankly, all I would wish for on my birthday …