I had just finished reading a book last night.
Because of what I do, I read a lot, but reading is limited to academic materials. I am picky when it comes to reading for pleasure. Harry Potter is still the best hands down. A book has to be able to sustain my interest.
I don't have a favourite author, nor a genre. And every time I walked into a book store in the last 5 years at least, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choice, and ended up buying nothing.
Last week, I googled for a book recommendation. I came across this book, entitled When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. It came out as the top 10 books to read now, across different websites. After having read the synopsis and a few reviews I decided the book was a must-buy.
Paul, the author, has died, before the book was completed and published. He was an extremely talented neurosurgeon and neuroscientist, almost completing his residency and it was at the pinnacle of his career that he was diagnosed with lung cancer.
He wrote 2 large chapters. One dedicated to how he got into studying medicine, and why he chose neurosurgery. The other chapter was focused on his struggle with cancer and important reflections on life and death.
His wife, Lucy wrote the last chapter. And i sobbed uncontrollably reading about his very final moments. The family rushed him to the hospital. On the gurney upon arrival at the hospital he said to Lucy, "so this is how it's going to end". He was dying in a room where he had treated many many patients, a room very close to where his daughter was born eight months ago. His decision to not be intubated. Cancer had spread to his brain, and as a neurosurgeon he knew it all too well. Their eight month old baby oblivious to the fact that her father was dying. The family by the bedside watching his faltering breathing.
It reminded me of the night when my grandfather passed away. I burst into tears the moment I got to his bedside at the hospital. And then it was his faltering breathing, each breath spaced further and further apart until it finally stopped. How he knew we were there and struggled to force open his eye lids to have a final look at us all. How I told him to go in peace, my heart totally broken saying that.
This book just gave me a wake-up call. I have been feeling lost recently, with my life, my work, and my relationship. I have been unhappy. I have been depressed and angry. But this book reminded me of the shortness of life. This guy was at the pinnacle of his career, job offers from all over the country were extended to him. He was working crazy hours. Then all of a sudden, he was diagnosed with cancer, and the process of dying accelerated exponentially.
We are all born to die, one day. In a sense, we are dying already, just slowly.
The problem is that we don't know when we will die. We choose to assume longevity. We think we have time to be angry at a person, start a cold war. We think we have time to delay a call to our loved ones. We think we have time to postpone our holiday plans.
The society taught us about delayed gratification- suffer now, enjoy later. I wonder how legitimate is an advice such as this.
When we get older, and especially if we are ill, the number of energetic hours we have per day is very few. Paul did not even have the strength to hold a glass of water with one hand. He did not have the energy to complete the book. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner prepared by Lucy got thrown out because he simply did not have the appetite.
I am now perfectly fine. I am not sick but a few days ago, to prep myself for the colonoscopy and endoscopy, I had to fast, surviving only on clear-fluid. The feeling was horrible. Moviprep, the laxative tasted so bad. Imagine having to go through all these again, when I am old and frail one day, it is very scary.
I am making a point to make the most of every day.
Because of what I do, I read a lot, but reading is limited to academic materials. I am picky when it comes to reading for pleasure. Harry Potter is still the best hands down. A book has to be able to sustain my interest.
I don't have a favourite author, nor a genre. And every time I walked into a book store in the last 5 years at least, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choice, and ended up buying nothing.
Last week, I googled for a book recommendation. I came across this book, entitled When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. It came out as the top 10 books to read now, across different websites. After having read the synopsis and a few reviews I decided the book was a must-buy.
Paul, the author, has died, before the book was completed and published. He was an extremely talented neurosurgeon and neuroscientist, almost completing his residency and it was at the pinnacle of his career that he was diagnosed with lung cancer.
He wrote 2 large chapters. One dedicated to how he got into studying medicine, and why he chose neurosurgery. The other chapter was focused on his struggle with cancer and important reflections on life and death.
His wife, Lucy wrote the last chapter. And i sobbed uncontrollably reading about his very final moments. The family rushed him to the hospital. On the gurney upon arrival at the hospital he said to Lucy, "so this is how it's going to end". He was dying in a room where he had treated many many patients, a room very close to where his daughter was born eight months ago. His decision to not be intubated. Cancer had spread to his brain, and as a neurosurgeon he knew it all too well. Their eight month old baby oblivious to the fact that her father was dying. The family by the bedside watching his faltering breathing.
It reminded me of the night when my grandfather passed away. I burst into tears the moment I got to his bedside at the hospital. And then it was his faltering breathing, each breath spaced further and further apart until it finally stopped. How he knew we were there and struggled to force open his eye lids to have a final look at us all. How I told him to go in peace, my heart totally broken saying that.
This book just gave me a wake-up call. I have been feeling lost recently, with my life, my work, and my relationship. I have been unhappy. I have been depressed and angry. But this book reminded me of the shortness of life. This guy was at the pinnacle of his career, job offers from all over the country were extended to him. He was working crazy hours. Then all of a sudden, he was diagnosed with cancer, and the process of dying accelerated exponentially.
We are all born to die, one day. In a sense, we are dying already, just slowly.
The problem is that we don't know when we will die. We choose to assume longevity. We think we have time to be angry at a person, start a cold war. We think we have time to delay a call to our loved ones. We think we have time to postpone our holiday plans.
The society taught us about delayed gratification- suffer now, enjoy later. I wonder how legitimate is an advice such as this.
When we get older, and especially if we are ill, the number of energetic hours we have per day is very few. Paul did not even have the strength to hold a glass of water with one hand. He did not have the energy to complete the book. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner prepared by Lucy got thrown out because he simply did not have the appetite.
I am now perfectly fine. I am not sick but a few days ago, to prep myself for the colonoscopy and endoscopy, I had to fast, surviving only on clear-fluid. The feeling was horrible. Moviprep, the laxative tasted so bad. Imagine having to go through all these again, when I am old and frail one day, it is very scary.
I am making a point to make the most of every day.
Comments
Post a Comment