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Showing posts from 2015

We Met Again

Finally, the day had arrived.

I got an email from Jay at 12.03am. I was thinking of emailing him earlier last night to 'remind' him of his promise to get in touch. I was glad that he got in touch with me as soon as the clock struck 12am.

He decided the time while I picked the place. We met at 2pm at a nearby cafe. I got a text from him saying that he already had lunch and that he was parking his car. He asked me to go ahead and have lunch first.

Food wasn't the priority today. To me, food only served the purpose of providing us a place to sit and talk.

It was the first time he saw me with my expensive sunglasses. No compliments, unfortunately.

I was trying really hard to suppress my feelings. Excited, happy, nervous, etc. I was determined to not let them show. So I had to put on a serious and cool face all the time.

It felt a bit awkward to talk. And I wasn't quite sure what were the right things to say. I didn't want to talk about 'sensitive' things. Same …

What would happen tomorrow?

Tomorrow is the day. I am sure he won't forget about his promise to contact me.

Is he going to email me? call me? or arrange for a meet up?

Or is he going to just text me and say, actually there is nothing more that he wants to say and that's it.

Little Things to be Grateful For

1) I went shopping yesterday. Bought a pair of Jeans and a t-shirt from Gap. 20% off for purchases of two items or more.

I think i have lost patience or rather the passion for shopping for clothes. When I was younger, in primary school, I would lay my t-shirt and my pants on the bed to see if they were matching. I remember one day when my family decided to go to Malacca to shop, I found out that my favourite pair of pants was still in the laundry basket. I was really upset, and I cried. And I started to whine about how pathetic my life was as I did not even have enough pairs of decent pants to wear out too. (I think I behaved like a drama queen back then) Anyway, my parents successfully convinced me to go. And as soon as we got there, the priority was to get me pants.

As I grew older, I cared less about the clothes that I put on. I would normally go for the clothes that have just been washed and stuffed back into the wardrobe because they are the most reachable and visible. As a resul…

Another 6 days to go

This is just another lonely night. Perhaps this is what my body is telling me to be.

There are people that I could (re)connect with, technically. Like the ex-housemates, like the (ex)friends from uni, like some of you that I have made personal contact with, etc. But I don't feel like meeting people, or even talking to people.

I am on Jack'D and I don't feel like even replying to msgs. Sometimes I even forgot I have Jack'D.

When I was with my First, he liked to rent DVDs from those kiosks/vending machines sometimes but I liked going to the cinemas instead. I had never thought about renting DVDs until last weekend. My internet quota was almost reached, and I had nothing better to do. And so, in an effort to up my own mood a little, I decided to give it a try. I rented <<Kingsman the Secret Service>> and was surprised that it was on special, only costed me $1. The next day I watched <<Avengers...Ultron>>, costed me $2. Kingsman was more my thing, A…

Should I migrate to Facebook

I am thinking if I should switch to using a Facebook page instead. 
Pros - Easier to follow, to be followed. The Blogger 'follow' functionality is not as user-friendly.  - Tagging. Able to tag people easily, so those who are mentioned in a post would receive an instant notification.  - Easier to manage. Same login details as my personal Facebook profile (though the 'administrator' of a Page would not be shown on the Page). I check my Facebook ten thousand times a day, the Facebook app is updated constantly on smartphones. 
Cons - Everyone who reads my blog now has a Facebook account, but most would not be comfortable posting comments, liking the Page using their personal Facebook account.  - Cannot easily move the old posts across to Facebook. There is an option to 'backdate' posts, but I can only backdate posts to the date the Page is created, nothing earlier than Page creation date. 
Option 1: Don't move Option 2: Move.  Option 3: Middle ground solution. …

Time OFF

I was actually more than half way through writing a post, more than a week ago, but I couldn't bring myself to complete it.

To keep things short, we broke up numerous times, we tried to get back together.

This time, things got out of hand. With the help of a friend, we decided to try to stop contacting each other for 4 weeks.

I don't want to dedicate this post to explaining how we got to this point. It would be too long, and too unpleasant to write. Instead, I simply need to pen down how I am feeling right now, and with the things that have been happening recently.


More than 2 months ago, I started feeling slightly bloated on the left side of my abdomen when I lay down on my bed at night. Initially i thought it had to do with my back. So I went to see the chiropractor. I even got myself a new pillow. He said my butt (pelvic bone) was misaligned and he did some adjustments. The adjustments didn't really work, and he told me he actually couldn't figure out what'…

You are belittling me

Feeling super sleepy now but I just want to write this down.

Finally completed the 2-day workshop on NVIVO today. The workshops started at 9am so I had to wake up at 7.50, hence the lack the sleep. These days I normally wake up at around 8.30 or 9.


Last night I had a dream. I think the person I saw and I spent time with was my prince charming. As far as I can remember, the setting was chaotic. There was a war, and the American soldiers were using sledgehammers to hit and kill the Korean/Chinese soldiers. (Why sledgehammers? I don't know. But it was brutal).

And then he was shielding me, telling me where to hide and reminding me to duck my head. We were spectating the war, maybe we were the commoners. I felt like it was an adventure, an exciting one with him. We must have been very close otherwise he wouldn't have been so protective of me.

And then I could remember a scene where we were topless. We were facing each other and had our arms wrapped around eac…


Feeling so blue the whole day. 
I guess as I'm a 'new' on the app people are curious and some texted me. I should feel welcomed and maybe 'excited' that I'm still attractive on phone screens. But I didn't really care about those messages. I replied but I don't look forward to meeting or knowing any of them. 
Went to swim. Saw a few Korean guys around my age there. They seemed to be having lots of fun swimming together. I was there by myself. I remembered how Jay and I used to go swimming together and how we called people names secretly like titanic 747 a380. And that there was once when we couldn't hold it anymore under water and had to stop to laugh out. 
As I was pushing myself hard with my freestyle at the pool, I was thinking maybe I should tell the PT to not help me contact the local gay swim club. They train really hard and I was thinking maybe I am not up to par yet. I was also thinking what Jay would say if we were still together. He's neve…

I'm single

I was going to title this "I broke up" but then I decided that it was going to be too sad. 
So we finally, officially broke up on Saturday. One day before mid autumn festival. 
I just took the shirts that he wore to wash. Normally he would wear the clothes again when he came over. That might be the last scent I had of him. 
I went to the chiro today to fix my slanted butt, my pelvic bones were misaligned. Got a new pillow from the chiro too. 
I reinstalled the apps. I even put my pic on it. 
I told my friends (the few gay friends I have here) that I broke up.  
I am enjoying the attention I get from the app. 
I'm eating mooncakes alone. 
I found a personal trainer who swims and went to the gym to have a chat with him. I'm going back to the gym I think. 
I haven't started crying yet. I dreamed about him so much. I think I'm doing everything I can to pretend nothing really happened. 
Every time we argued I threatened to break up with him. Recently I said "u do reali…

At the Crossroads.

Whoa, it has been so long since I last blogged, since February.

I had spates of negative posts before I met him. And after I met him, things seemed to be so much better. Perhaps I only write when I feel bad, when I feel like I need to pen down my thoughts, to pause for a while, to reflect.

Since I met him, my life was finally back to 'normal'. No longer did I have to constantly look at my phone in anticipation of a notification from JackD, no longer did I have to worry about another sexual health check.

I had someone to talk to, about my inner feelings, my career, current affairs, etc. I had someone whom I could entrust my body to and truly enjoyed sex. There was company. But there were also expectations, probably too much.

How long have we (or had we) been together for? Hmm, > 1 year.

There were lots, and lots of arguments. I complained a lot, revolving around several issues. I don't have the energy to summarise those arguments at this point, maybe there isn't eve…

I Wish I Were...

A billionaire 

I wish I were...

A guy who is more daring? (or is it called masculine?) (or actually mad?)
Who likes to surf, climbs the cliffs, jumps off from planes, etc.
Someone who is not afraid of this and that. Someone who is able to do what other DUDES do.

I wish I were someone who is ultra low-maintenance. Who is able to go on an overseas trip for several weeks with only a 7-kg backpack checked in as a hand carry.
Someone whose skin is innately antimicrobial, who doesn't need to carry 3-5 bottles of skin care products with them while travelling.

I wish I were someone who is super confident, who doesn't mind small things, who is insensitive in a good way, who is able to befriend virtually anyone.
Actually maybe just having some good Male, non-Gay friends. And say: Why not? I am just being normal, doing what other BLOKES do. 

Imagine you have been together for almost a year.

Ok, fine, not 'you have been', it's ME.

Okay, so we have been together for almost a ye…