Feeling super sleepy now but I just want to write this down.
Finally completed the 2-day workshop on NVIVO today. The workshops started at 9am so I had to wake up at 7.50, hence the lack the sleep. These days I normally wake up at around 8.30 or 9.
.....................
Last night I had a dream. I think the person I saw and I spent time with was my prince charming. As far as I can remember, the setting was chaotic. There was a war, and the American soldiers were using sledgehammers to hit and kill the Korean/Chinese soldiers. (Why sledgehammers? I don't know. But it was brutal).
And then he was shielding me, telling me where to hide and reminding me to duck my head. We were spectating the war, maybe we were the commoners. I felt like it was an adventure, an exciting one with him. We must have been very close otherwise he wouldn't have been so protective of me.
And then I could remember a scene where we were topless. We were facing each other and had our arms wrapped around each other's shoulders. I was then caressing his hair.
When I woke up I couldn't remember his face. I just couldn't make out who the person was, though I could remember that he gelled his hair.
I don't know what this dream is supposed to mean.
Interpretation 1: The dream, and the person is an "independent reality" that exists and is waiting for me to discover.
Interpretation 2: The dream, and the person was constructed by me, as a result of my thoughts, experiences, feelings, etc.
......................
Jay sent me an email last last night. I haven't had the time and energy yet to respond.
He said he was "baffled" by my previous attempts to resolve the issues with him. And that he would only want to get back into a relationship again if I could convince him it will work out better/differently. And he asked me to tell him what are the things that I could do to improve.
I said I haven't had the energy yet to respond to him. Do I really not have the energy? Or am I simply tired of this arguing thing.
...................
"long weekend" starts tomorrow. Next Monday is a public holiday in Australia (Labour Day). A few people I met today asked if I had plans for the weekend. I don't have any plans. What else can i do?
With the passing of every day, I am closer to my death. Yet, I don't think I am making the most out of everyday. I am simply "surviving", I really am.
I tried to do little things to spice up things. So i bought mooncakes, for myself. Sad. (no, not actually, it shows that I have the financial power to do things I want to do). I am eating the mooncakes by myself. Friends? No. Mooncakes to me is a family thing. I would buy and gift them to my friends, but mooncakes to me is a family affair.
As I cut open my double yolk mooncake, I was reminded of how precious the yolks were to us as kids many many years ago. I remember how we would be jealous if one of us got the slice with more yolk in it. Back then that was our only chance to eat salted egg yolk.
And I asked for a box of mooncakes from Jay this year. I think I did try to explain why, but I don't think he listened or he cared. And so we broke up one day before the mid-autumn fest, and now I am sulking over all these while I chew my mooncake. How funny.
..................
I am soft-hearted. I don't really "think" and especially when it comes to relationship I follow my feelings (or perhaps emotions mostly).
If my feelings is telling me to go back to Jay, I would tend to automatically mask off all the issues we have with each other. And then I would go back to him.
After I talked to my friends about him the other day, somehow I think I have a more realistic picture, or maybe not. He's good in many ways. But there are certain things that have been bothering me, and I have told him many times either nicely or sternly.
There are things that I don't understand, and I don't feel good about them at all.
For example, his friends- straight friends 99%.
Asked him how he met them? High school, uni. And the most annoying thing? People popped up from nowhere. One day, walked on the street, this random guy said hi. And the following week, they met up for lunch already. Asked him, refused and reluctant to tell me much, said forgot most things about how they met. And blamed me for being overly sensitive and jealous for nothing.
The girl friends? Rude. I was repeatedly pushed away (literally pushed away) by his girl friends so that they could walk next to him and talk to him. Me? Like a maid following behind them. Can you imagine a group of friends walking together on a busy street, and nobody actively took you into account and that you would have to walk behind them to prevent bumping into other people? I am walking Behind them not Abreast!
Guy friends? Most of them are nice. But what I don't quite understand is his plans for me and for us.
Did I mention that he's totally in the closet?
His friends just assume that he is also straight. I get introduced as a friend (it's fine) but it's rather awkward when you have to lie about how you met and feigned interest in everything that they had to talk about. And I had to act as if I was straight too. I had to be careful of what I said, my choice of words, and my demeanour, etc.
Did I mention that Jay told me a long time ago that he might be Bi? But then eventually he avoided talking about it?
So it makes me wonder. Does he actually see the same future as me? Is he planning to just play with me while he's young, and then later go get married due to family and peer pressure?
And did i say that I feel like I am treated as a dumb person compared to his friends?
Somehow his friends have more sophisticated taste. (Two guys wear a Daniel Wellington, is that really a good taste? I doubt it).
His friends are all more well-travelled than me. (he thinks so, and every time when it comes to planning for our trips, locally and abroad, he would consult with his friends more than me, and makes me feel like he is going on a trip with his friends not me). Types of attractions to visit- not my preference, but his friends'. He talked about his friends' amazing abilities to travel abroad, backpacking, how well travelled they are, how he would like to be just LIKE THEM. Once, I asked him, how am I less than your friends in anyway? You talked about trips, maximum 6 months? I came to Australia with two bags, a bit of money, alone. I didn't even know how to pronounce the name of the suburb that I had to go to when I got a taxi at the airport. I had to take care of myself in a foreign country, I found a job, I had many other challenges and decisions to make. I am not JUST a temporary visitor. I had to start charting my future when I arrived here. Yet, you talked so highly of your friends without considering how I would feel?
Most important of all, speaking about his friends, I feel like i am constantly BELITTLED. I feel like a second-class person in his social circles. The signals I am getting is that I am probably not "masculine" enough to join his male circle of friends, that I don't have any knowledge of how the "real" world operates because of my choice to stay in the academia, etc.
And because of this feeling of getting belittled, I stopped asking him to be included in his social activities with his friends. Somehow, that's my workaround. With the absence of his friends, there is nothing for him to compare me with, and so perhaps in his eyes I am the best. I won't be the best one to talk to, the best one to consult with, the best one to hang out with, if his friends are around.
And you know what? He blamed me, for not taking the initiative to know his friends. Funny.
I think this post is getting too long. Pardon the English, I am just typing out my thoughts without much processing.
Writing this all out now really sobers me up. But maybe I will get soft-hearted again tomorrow.
Finally completed the 2-day workshop on NVIVO today. The workshops started at 9am so I had to wake up at 7.50, hence the lack the sleep. These days I normally wake up at around 8.30 or 9.
.....................
Last night I had a dream. I think the person I saw and I spent time with was my prince charming. As far as I can remember, the setting was chaotic. There was a war, and the American soldiers were using sledgehammers to hit and kill the Korean/Chinese soldiers. (Why sledgehammers? I don't know. But it was brutal).
And then he was shielding me, telling me where to hide and reminding me to duck my head. We were spectating the war, maybe we were the commoners. I felt like it was an adventure, an exciting one with him. We must have been very close otherwise he wouldn't have been so protective of me.
And then I could remember a scene where we were topless. We were facing each other and had our arms wrapped around each other's shoulders. I was then caressing his hair.
When I woke up I couldn't remember his face. I just couldn't make out who the person was, though I could remember that he gelled his hair.
I don't know what this dream is supposed to mean.
Interpretation 1: The dream, and the person is an "independent reality" that exists and is waiting for me to discover.
Interpretation 2: The dream, and the person was constructed by me, as a result of my thoughts, experiences, feelings, etc.
......................
Jay sent me an email last last night. I haven't had the time and energy yet to respond.
He said he was "baffled" by my previous attempts to resolve the issues with him. And that he would only want to get back into a relationship again if I could convince him it will work out better/differently. And he asked me to tell him what are the things that I could do to improve.
I said I haven't had the energy yet to respond to him. Do I really not have the energy? Or am I simply tired of this arguing thing.
...................
"long weekend" starts tomorrow. Next Monday is a public holiday in Australia (Labour Day). A few people I met today asked if I had plans for the weekend. I don't have any plans. What else can i do?
With the passing of every day, I am closer to my death. Yet, I don't think I am making the most out of everyday. I am simply "surviving", I really am.
I tried to do little things to spice up things. So i bought mooncakes, for myself. Sad. (no, not actually, it shows that I have the financial power to do things I want to do). I am eating the mooncakes by myself. Friends? No. Mooncakes to me is a family thing. I would buy and gift them to my friends, but mooncakes to me is a family affair.
As I cut open my double yolk mooncake, I was reminded of how precious the yolks were to us as kids many many years ago. I remember how we would be jealous if one of us got the slice with more yolk in it. Back then that was our only chance to eat salted egg yolk.
And I asked for a box of mooncakes from Jay this year. I think I did try to explain why, but I don't think he listened or he cared. And so we broke up one day before the mid-autumn fest, and now I am sulking over all these while I chew my mooncake. How funny.
..................
I am soft-hearted. I don't really "think" and especially when it comes to relationship I follow my feelings (or perhaps emotions mostly).
If my feelings is telling me to go back to Jay, I would tend to automatically mask off all the issues we have with each other. And then I would go back to him.
After I talked to my friends about him the other day, somehow I think I have a more realistic picture, or maybe not. He's good in many ways. But there are certain things that have been bothering me, and I have told him many times either nicely or sternly.
There are things that I don't understand, and I don't feel good about them at all.
For example, his friends- straight friends 99%.
Asked him how he met them? High school, uni. And the most annoying thing? People popped up from nowhere. One day, walked on the street, this random guy said hi. And the following week, they met up for lunch already. Asked him, refused and reluctant to tell me much, said forgot most things about how they met. And blamed me for being overly sensitive and jealous for nothing.
The girl friends? Rude. I was repeatedly pushed away (literally pushed away) by his girl friends so that they could walk next to him and talk to him. Me? Like a maid following behind them. Can you imagine a group of friends walking together on a busy street, and nobody actively took you into account and that you would have to walk behind them to prevent bumping into other people? I am walking Behind them not Abreast!
Guy friends? Most of them are nice. But what I don't quite understand is his plans for me and for us.
Did I mention that he's totally in the closet?
His friends just assume that he is also straight. I get introduced as a friend (it's fine) but it's rather awkward when you have to lie about how you met and feigned interest in everything that they had to talk about. And I had to act as if I was straight too. I had to be careful of what I said, my choice of words, and my demeanour, etc.
Did I mention that Jay told me a long time ago that he might be Bi? But then eventually he avoided talking about it?
So it makes me wonder. Does he actually see the same future as me? Is he planning to just play with me while he's young, and then later go get married due to family and peer pressure?
And did i say that I feel like I am treated as a dumb person compared to his friends?
Somehow his friends have more sophisticated taste. (Two guys wear a Daniel Wellington, is that really a good taste? I doubt it).
His friends are all more well-travelled than me. (he thinks so, and every time when it comes to planning for our trips, locally and abroad, he would consult with his friends more than me, and makes me feel like he is going on a trip with his friends not me). Types of attractions to visit- not my preference, but his friends'. He talked about his friends' amazing abilities to travel abroad, backpacking, how well travelled they are, how he would like to be just LIKE THEM. Once, I asked him, how am I less than your friends in anyway? You talked about trips, maximum 6 months? I came to Australia with two bags, a bit of money, alone. I didn't even know how to pronounce the name of the suburb that I had to go to when I got a taxi at the airport. I had to take care of myself in a foreign country, I found a job, I had many other challenges and decisions to make. I am not JUST a temporary visitor. I had to start charting my future when I arrived here. Yet, you talked so highly of your friends without considering how I would feel?
Most important of all, speaking about his friends, I feel like i am constantly BELITTLED. I feel like a second-class person in his social circles. The signals I am getting is that I am probably not "masculine" enough to join his male circle of friends, that I don't have any knowledge of how the "real" world operates because of my choice to stay in the academia, etc.
And because of this feeling of getting belittled, I stopped asking him to be included in his social activities with his friends. Somehow, that's my workaround. With the absence of his friends, there is nothing for him to compare me with, and so perhaps in his eyes I am the best. I won't be the best one to talk to, the best one to consult with, the best one to hang out with, if his friends are around.
And you know what? He blamed me, for not taking the initiative to know his friends. Funny.
I think this post is getting too long. Pardon the English, I am just typing out my thoughts without much processing.
Writing this all out now really sobers me up. But maybe I will get soft-hearted again tomorrow.
U may get soft-hearted again but then u have written it down this time. So before making any decision with regard to him in future, u can go through it again first and consider.
ReplyDeleteThere are things we can accept in our other half and there are things we can't. That's preference and it depends on the compromise between the two of u. It gets tougher when one or both of u are stubborn and unwilling to change.
It will get better. Everything shall pass *hugs*
Getting a clear perspective of the bigger picture is so much more important. And I hope you see that. It's obvious that you have a lot of issues to sort out if you consider getting back together. Just take your time.
ReplyDelete