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How to be happy again?

It's the 29th of December already, 2013 will be over in two days' time.

2013, has been very unpleasant to me. It's a year that's filled with fear, worries, sadness, despair. Partly my own doings actually.

And these negative feelings are not all gone yet. How do I make sure 2014 will be a brighter, happier year?

I am still worrying to be honest. It was about my last sexual encounter. [I had sex]

It was protected anal, unprotected oral. There was a lot of precum in my mouth, I don't know his status, I noticed I had a bit of sore gum/lining inside my mouth. 

I didn't blog about the tests I had. Actually, I had taken tests at week 4, 5 and 6 after that. They were all negative.

With the combination (antigen/antibody) tests, most people agree that the window period should be 4-6 weeks, because the HIV p24 antigen should peak at around 4 weeks, hence many of those infected were tested positive at week 3 or week 4.

The thing is, the first three days after the incident, …

Let It Go (Frozen)

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know...well now they know....Let it go...Let it go...Can't hold it back anymore...I don't care....what they are going to say....

Just noticed that I haven't written anything for more than a week! Feeling pretty sleepy now but hopefully I am still able to write down the happenings for the past week

Went out with a few housemates to watch the Disney movie, Frozen today. It's the first day this movie is shown in Australia. Heard about it from a blogger few weeks ago and that it was good.

I didn't grow up with Disney hence I am pretty dumb with the Disney stories. And I wasn't really into watching cartoons. For me, going to the cinema for a cartoon was pretty much a waste of money.

But, Frozen was so so so awesome! I was deeply touched, by the singing, the lyrics, the graphics and most important of all, the story itself.

As a gay, a closeted one, a gay that loves his family, a gay that is confused, a gay that is somewhat…

Life Too Gay

Had a test yesterday. 
Went to the nearby Myer department store to look for a gift for the Secret Santa event at my accommodation. Budget was $10. Saw a lot of cute little inventions, most of them averaged around $20. Could have gotten something within budget but it wouldn't be as interesting so I decided to get this little duckling infuser. It's sightly over budget ($15) but it's worth the while because I think he likes it! (I think he still doesn't know that it's from me, he's also gay by the way) Gay much? 
I got a box of chocolates, an assortment of mini mars bars, milky way, M&Ms, etc. To be honest, I didn't like it! I have been trying to avoid chocolates, so that I don't have to take in unnecessary calories. My chocolate quota is reserved for really down moments, when I really need to up my mood. But I still put up a smile la, my secret santa must be looking at me when I unwrapped the gift so I didn't want him/her to be sad... I passed aro…

My week has been...

It's been a week since my last post! The week has passed by so quickly..Actually I am quite glad that it did.

Nothing really exciting has happened really.

I've been going to the gym on a more regular basis and my housemates have started to joke about it whenever they saw me leaving for the gym.

During the week, I visited the community library just 200 meters away from home. Becoming a member is free and one is allowed to borrow up to 40 items.

The collection there was surprisingly exhaustive though it's just a community library. I tried looking up for books that I had bought/read recently (Gaysia by Benjamin Law, Exposure by Michael Woodford) and they had them.

I haven't been reading a lot (fictional books I mean) and it's been a really long time since I stepped into a library looking for a book to read for pleasure. I didn't know where to start. There were so many racks and shelves and with only the spines of the books displayed, I found it really hard to look…

Sunday lunch and dinner

Sleep was barely ok last night. Anyway, tried to live happy, it was a new day anyway.

Got myself a Banana,Oat &Blackberry muffin and flat white (no photo taken). 
After breakfast, went up to the balcony for some sun. Took the shirt off, allowed my back to face the sun for 10mins then turned to face the sun then turned back again. Trying to BBQ myself. But no visible tan in the end. 
As I couldn't find anyone for lunch, I decided to not wait anymore and went to this cafe nearby my place. 
I had tried the Iced Mocha here and it was super nice. They must have used espresso rather than fake coffee syrup, so it was very 'full-bodied'. When it comes to Iced coffee drinks, I always check with the barista to make sure that it's not fake coffee syrup that they are selling to me. What's the point right? I want my coffeee!!!
They also topped the Iced Mocha with a scoop or two of vanilla ice cream, making it more creamy and smooth! (more calories also)
The fried chicken b…

Not so good Doctor

Woke up at 7.30 this morning. Haven't woken up so early for ages (not counting the waking-ups to pee).

Took a bus, then train and arrived at the sexual health clinic 5 mins late (called them while I was on the train to tell them that I would be late).

Waited for the doc for ten mins. If I knew she was going to be late, I wouldn't have to run-walk-run to the place.

A female doc in her 30s. Generally friendly. Started the conversation by telling her that I am gay (never assume that she knows right?)

Basically regurgitated what I wrote in the previous post. Bump-Tea Tree Oil- Itchy-More red dots- Dry skin

She asked if I would like to have HIV test today but she was actually kinda discouraging me to take the test. Because according to her, the event was low risk despite the fact that I discovered swollen/sore gum the next morning, and that there was a lot of precum.

But I insisted. I didn't want to argue with her so I made up stories that I actually had more sexual partners. I…

Confused!!

Thursday.

Woke up this morning and was welcomed by the warmth of the sun that shone through the window, but I wasn't in the mood to appreciate much of it.

I can now see more obvious signs that something is wrong. The original bump (raised, almost pimple-like, painless) that is 1-2cm away from the butt hole is not growing bigger, actually it looks like it's getting smaller.

But the other tiny red dots (just slightly raised) are getting more obvious. They are not very big but definitely more noticeable now. When I tried to touch them, I couldn't feel anything, no pain no itch. I can also see them in more places now (area between scrotum and butt hole).

For the original bump, I treated it with 100% tea tree oil last week for a couple of days. And because I noticed that even the skin surrounding the bump started to peel, I decided to stop for a while.

And then, I sensed itchiness, and then I saw the other tiny red dots.

I started to treat the tiny red dots with tea tree oil, m…

Massage $90/hour

Don't worry, it's strictly non-sexual this time.

As I haven't been able to sleep well for the past few nights, my neck and shoulders are sore, and lower back too. And because I have been trying to do more weights instead of running these days, I guess my muscles didn't really get to relax.

I remembered KK told me his masseur was good and not expensive. So I messaged him this morning and ask for the contact details. He gave me the number of this guy who is the owner of this massage place. Booked for an appointment at 3pm.

Arrived there just on time. Was feeling excited because firstly, my muscles would get to relax and I knew I was meeting a male masseur. LOL. (I had confirmed with KK that it's a professional and no-sex service)

He's Thai, in his 30s, quite short and doesn't speak good English, probably just a few words like soft, medium, hard, shoulders, neck, etc. Saw some muscles but not humungous la.

I was totally naked and we started by me lying face do…

World Aids Day. Acceptance Sydney

On Friday, after finishing earlier at work and failing to really have a nap, I was on my way to meet Ben. 
The plan was to have a bit of chat at a cafe before attending Acceptance Sydney's mass at 8pm. 
Took a cab as I was running late, as always. Ben and his partner were there waiting for me. 
There was a night when I finally gathered the courage to tell Ben about the problems that I am facing. We were talking on the phone, but I think I did tell him all the essentials. 
That night, he didn't tell me exactly what to do or what not to do. He said I should remember one thing, to learn to love myself so that I know how to love my neighbors, because the Bible says love your neighbors like how you love yourself. 
Again this time, I don't think I am getting 'the answer'. Perhaps there is no answer? I don't know. I guess I am probably being lazy? Waiting for someone to tell me exactly what to do? 
So they asked me quite a few questions. For example, what is being a C…

My butt problem

So, I think I got butt problem. 
A few days ago, when I was showering, I noticed a small, raised bump. It's there. I have been applying tea tree oil to it for a few days, twice a day. 
There's peeling, because of the tea tree oil. I think it's slightly flatter but it's there. Not itchy, not painful. 
And today, when I was checking the butt with the mirror and the light, I noticed quite many tiny red dots on my butt. They are so small, like dots. I don't know if they are related to the first bump. 
If the first bump is really a HPV genital wart, could it have spread to the surrounding area? Is tea tree oil making it worse? 
These tiny red dots could be raised or flat, I don't know. 
What should I do what should I do??!! 
According to what I have gathered, HPV is so common that 90 percent of people would have been infected just that they don't get symptoms like bumps?? 
And the treatment is topical. You apply some gel or cream to the warts. The warts may be …

House party

It's titled the house party simply because it's like the only 'highlight' for the day.

It's funny how a person's mood can change from good to bad and back to ok just in one day.

Got a muffin and coffee ($7) and 'sunbathed' for 30 mins on the balcony. (Good mood)

Realising that my throat is still dry and feels a little bit inflamed, and checking my throat using a mirror and the smartphone torch light made me feel worried and depressed.

Until now, after having vitamin C and drinking lots of water and a nap, I can still feel like I may get a sore throat anytime, and it can be a symptom and I am dead.

And then, I was thinking of excuses to not going to the party tonight because I was feeling so emo.

So it's a house party. It's just at my house, the place that I am living. Housemates have been confirming my attendance with me. And I have been saying yes. If I don't go, people would start saying I am being aloof and all that. It's true, becaus…

Eyes, haircut and butt.

This is going to be another rather depressing post. Don't continue to read it if you are already stressed/depressed. .

Also, as I want to use this blog to record about things that I have been through/ experienced, I am honest about my thoughts/feelings/opinions/etc. I am not trying to make things look polished here so you may find this space to be unattractive or even disgusting (coz I am going to talk about my butt today).

Yesterday started well. It was very warm and sunny when I woke up. I bought some breakfast and went to the balcony to get some sun.

As I had nothing planned for the day, I decided to go to the gym. Came home, wasted a bit of time and went to church in the evening.

Not long into the service, my left eye started to feel itchy. I am usually very careful with hygiene and I don't know why it happened. The first thing I did when I came home was to check my eye. It wasn't very red, probably a little. I was so worried that it's a symptom of hiv infection. I…

My Coffee Collection

Since young, I've always liked to drink. (Not drinking alcohol!) 
I like to eat as well (my grandma gave me the title 'the rat in the house' because I would check the cupboards in the kitchen for 'new arrivals', cookies that she had just bought home for me). 
Back to drinking, I guess a good way of putting it is that my parents are thrifty. I don't think we were very poor la, but now come to think of it it's a bit sad haha. 
For example, as kids we didn't know there were choices. So breakfast, we had bread because dad would always buy a loaf of Gardenia bread and we would eat it with jams. I liked peanut butter a lot for my bread but my dad would say they were expensive compared to just having fruit jams. But anyway, once in a while, I still succeeded in convincing him to get me peanut butter for breakfast. 
So back to being thrifty. So, I have always envied people in the supermarkets who could get whatever they wanted into the shopping trolley. Perhap…

Will I see you again?

It's almost 12 now and I'm actually quite exhausted. Though my words may not be very organized but I guess it's good to pen it down before I go to bed.

Have been kinda busy yesterday and today. Had to continue with marking the papers and today was running back and forth from uni to retrieve some documents. Brought him to see the JP to get some documents certified. Continued with marking. Came home shower and closed my eyes for 20 mins and headed out to his place again.

Before working on the visa, we had dinner. It was his treat. Probably I was tired or was I in a worry/emo mode, he kept saying that I didn't look like I was enjoying the food. I told I was just tired. But actually my mind was away.

There were lots of things on my mind. For a moment, i was thinking about this relationship thing. Have you ever tried asking your ex about 'his current bf'? The feeling was weird. And for the next moment, I couldn't help but to worry about my health, or the probabi…

Myself and I

It's still rainy and windy here in Sydney.

Didn't do much today. Braced the rain this morning to get myself a Bacon and Zucchini muffin and a cup of Flat White. I told myself I needed them, I had to brighten up my day a bit. For lunch, I cooked myself a combination of 8 beans, it's called the 'eight treasure porridge' in Mandarin.

I didn't really have the mood to play Dota today, despite the addition of 'heroes' that was released two days ago. I was just browsing through some profiles on Fridae. No chats, nothing at all.

Went to the church in the evening. Was happy that we sang 'In Christ Alone' today again. The sermon was on the 'unforgivable sin', which I was able to follow through without much yawning. Quickly left the church after the service, and heated up the chicken curry I bought and had it with some plain rice.

Streamed some TVB dramas tonight.

Yes, there was no human interaction for me today. In fact, other than people I meet a…

Finally seeing you

It's been quite a busy week. Two part-times, and I am grateful that I got the chance to mark some exam papers- good money to help me stay alive in Sydney.

About two days ago, I decided to write him an email. He's in his final semester and I know given his circumstances he wouldn't be able to apply for PR for now. I didn't know if he was going to stay, how was he going to apply for visa, etc. And it might mean that I would never get to see him again, if he was to leave this place permanently.

I tried to be as sincere as I could. After all, it's been almost half a year since we last met. I think he must have moved on and probably still hate me. I didn't expect a reply at all.

But surprisingly, there was a beep from my phone and I saw a notification from Gmail. I couldn't believe what I read. He said he was sorry about the last time (for being unreasonable on Skype) and that he would message me the next morning because it was late and he was too tired to talk.

Clearing the desk

So this is my desk. 
I finally had the courage today to clear away the clutter on my desk. Not only my desk actually, I've also thrown out 3 garbage bags full of stuff. 
This is the before and after look. 

Yes, it took courage. For the last 6 months or so or probably longer, I was just too tired emotionally to re-organize my life, my desk, my everything. 
See the piles of notes, journal articles and books there? I wasn't reading them. I put my studies on hold. But I just didn't have the courage to put them away. 
As I was tidying the desk/room this afternoon, I was reminded a lot about my ex. Old stuff resurfaced. 
There are the backpack he bought me, the wax seal, the lego I made, the box for the lego I bought him, the pair of remote controlled helicopters we own, the drawing book he gave me, etc.... He was also the one who changed the configuration of my room (how my bed and desk are placed now). 
There are just so much memory in this room. I've actually been living…

Gloomy day

We sang 'In Christ Alone' this evening at church. It's one of my favorite songs in the church and I was trying so hard to hold back my tears. 
My eyes were already filled my tears just that I was able to somehow not let them fall. I wonder if anyone noticed it. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Yes, I am being quite emo today. And the gloomy and wet weather in Sydney just made it worse. 
I couldn't really concentrate on listening to what the Rev was preaching. My mind was away. 
For a moment, I hated God. I am confused. I don't know where I belong and what I ought to do. I don't know my destiny. 
Hang on, in case you think I am a holy person, I dun think I am! Do you know what I have been doing the whole day today? 
I…

I had sex.

What happened?

The title says it all. I had sex. A random encounter, at the infamous gay sauna, the place where I once swore not to visit again.

I dun have to find an excuse. I was simply horny. Thanks to the porn, the testosterone, or whatever.

I can't find a 'bf' to just have sex and there wasn't someone on Jack'D that I could go out with. So the simplest way was to visit the sauna.

The crowd was kinda mixed. Level three is a towel free zone tonight. I was kinda 'satisfied' already after about an hour of cruising in the sauna. Naked men all around me, quite a few touched me which I politely moved their hands away and quietly enjoying the scene.

It was at level 2 that one guy grabbed me and led me into a room. He was very well built, lean, and toned. Vietnamese, from Liverpool NSW is all I know about him. Not even his age and name.

His body was super smooth and I guess the body fat percentage must be very low too. Not hunky and very toned.

So what actually…

When you are horny...

When I'm horny,

I feel like there's suddenly so many hot guys on Jack'd and I'll start saying hi to every one of them.

I feel like I suddenly look so good, suddenly the pecs are so nice, the v-line is coming out, etc.

LOL. Don't know if anyone of you feels the same?

Just released the tank. It was a good 30 minutes of self entertainment.

The scent of the oil was definitely a turn on. I was automatically 'switched on' when I smelled it. Smelled so familiar, yes it's what we used to use.

Could have gone on for a bit longer but was getting sore.

Hopefully I can get super good sleep tonight to recharge all the energy lost. If not i will be a zombie tomorrow at work...

Rash? Tired...

I don't know how to describe how I feel now... 
It feels like the whole world is so quiet suddenly. Or maybe I am just tired. 
Had work in the restaurant today. 
Haven't slept well in the last few nights. 
Will have work tomorrow afternoon. 
Just after I finished dinner, I noticed this rash on my wrist. 

Two days ago I had some tiny red dots/ rash on my waist but that's disappeared now. 
Just as I thought I could be relieved of the fear for a few days, I saw this now. 
What if it doesn't fade away? What if... I dun even dare to think about it. 
The masseur spitted on my dick. What if??? 
I m worried, but I'm tired. I dozed off on my bed just now thinking about all these... 

Wanted: Friends

I've had a really boring and dull weekend. Despite the skype sessions I had with the cutie from the faraway land, with my parents, sisters and aunt, there was basically nothing exciting at all. 
Oh yea, I met up with a 42 y.o guy yesterday. He's been asking me out so since I had nothing to do, I finally agreed to meet him. The reluctance to meet at first was due to the fact that he's much older than me and I thought it could be hard for us to have common interests and even less possible for us to date. Anyway, he looked quite different from the pic, as he's grown quite a lot horizontally I guess. It was however an okay chat session, dun think we will ever meet again. 
This is my lunch today. A beef, egg, bacon burger, with some garden salad and chips. And needless to say, the flat white is a must-have for me. I eat alone most of the time because I have no friends! 
Yes, I said it, BECAUSE I CAN. LOL. 


It's a very difficult thing, I noticed, for people to admit tha…

Why treat me like this?

Last few days have passed really quickly as I have gone back to the restaurant that I used to work for.

I know they were short of people but because the pay rate isn't high so I was hoping to get a better one. Anyway, since i didn't get a better one, I sort of have to go back so that at least I am earning some income and not relying on my family totally. 
The burning sensation that I had have kinda become less obvious these two days. But I guess I am still kinda anxious with symptoms. 
I was a bit upset this morning because I saw some tiny red spots near my waist, and above my right nipple. I just couldn't help worrying. Luckily, i was able to be distracted for a few hours because of work this afternoon. 
I went to see a chinese doctor at Tong Ren Tang yesterday. Sleep is an ongoing issue for me, which the doctor got it right. He said my digestive system is not very good, which is true. Will be having the medicine (cooked and vacuum-packed) for the whole week, an hour befo…

Breaking the Barrier

A friend of mine shared this video on Facebook. 
I really like to talk about /act out this kind of things. The reality is who doesn't fart? And to say excuse me and run to the toilet to fart is just so unnecessary la. (Well, public events excepted) 
After we got into the 'comfort stage' or whatever you call it, I actually didn't care so much anymore. And I think the first Overt Fart for him happened unwittingly. 
And since then, I just farted freely, without shame when I was with him. And the most evil fart would be the one done under the blanket. Yes, when you are sharing the blanket, and regardless of how silent your fart is, it will still get to your partner and it lingers! 
As I'm typing this, I can't help but to laugh, reminiscing those very unpleasant but 'truthful' moments. 
I miss the super annoyed face he gave me every time. I miss how worked up he got because of it. Hehehe. But he wasn't kind enough to reciprocate. 
Perhaps that's why…