World Aids Day. Acceptance Sydney

On Friday, after finishing earlier at work and failing to really have a nap, I was on my way to meet Ben. 

The plan was to have a bit of chat at a cafe before attending Acceptance Sydney's mass at 8pm. 

Took a cab as I was running late, as always. Ben and his partner were there waiting for me. 

There was a night when I finally gathered the courage to tell Ben about the problems that I am facing. We were talking on the phone, but I think I did tell him all the essentials. 

That night, he didn't tell me exactly what to do or what not to do. He said I should remember one thing, to learn to love myself so that I know how to love my neighbors, because the Bible says love your neighbors like how you love yourself. 

Again this time, I don't think I am getting 'the answer'. Perhaps there is no answer? I don't know. I guess I am probably being lazy? Waiting for someone to tell me exactly what to do? 

So they asked me quite a few questions. For example, what is being a Christian to me? And why is it important to be a Christian? And the difference between Faith and Religion. 

It's really hard to answer these questions because I don't think anyone has ever asked me questions like these. 

What they were trying to say, as far as I could understand, was that I shouldn't try to put 'forms' to my life. Going to church on a weekly basis is a Religion thing, but being able to help someone in need for example, is a Faith thing. 

Ben told me he's met a lot of wonderful people who aren't Christians but they have got good faith, they love their friends, etc. 

I really hope I can speak with Ben again soon because there are still things like Sex that I wasn't able to ask properly in the cafe given that it's a public space. 

My problem is, every night when I pray, I will ask God to forgive my sins, to deliver me from evil, to give me peace, to grant me good health, etc. 

But if I have a different understanding of what sin is from God, is my prayer still valid? Does God understand or approve of what I was trying to tell him and to ask him to forgive? 

It's almost a consensus among church-ministers-who-are-not-homophobic-and-who-study-the bible-properly that we cannot read the Bible literally. It's written by different authors over an extended period of time, not to mention the differences in historical context and language. 

From my somehow limited understanding, from what I read recently, from the book 'Being gay being Christian', the bible condemns homosexual act for the rituals of idolatry. (So, during that time, males fuck each other to worship their 'gods')

I know, and I accept that it is fine for gay couples who are in committed relationship to have sex. I did that and I enjoyed it, with no fears nor worries. 

But now that I am single, I visited the sauna. I tried to know people through Grindr/JackD. I had thoughts about having sex with them. I read blogs about people sexual encounters. I watch porn. I check out hot guys on the streets. 

Are these sins, in the eyes of God? 

If they really are sins, do I keep committing sins on a daily basis and then ask for forgiveness at the end of the day? 

Am I doing anything that really pleases God, the God that I believe in and love? On what basis then, can I ask for God's help to give me peace and good health? 

Acceptance had a special mass that night, to commemorate World Aids Day. We started the service outside the church. We gathered around a fireplace. We sang and the minister asked us to call out names of those that we would like to remember, who have died of AIDS, or who are living with HIV or names of those who have families or friends who are living with HIV. 

Many died in the 80s, when HIV started to spread like wild bush fires, in Sydney, in Austtralia, all over the world. 

If you are interested, try googling BBC + HIV + cure. Yes, it's almost 30 years now and they are looking for a 'cure', a functional cure. 

There's a video clip here. ABC HIV Cure

We have come a long way. But I guess, no one wants to be infected with this virus. (though some crazy people are having bareback sex and collecting cums in their ass) 

I am not in any position to comment much actually. I have done things, I visited sauna, I had sex with random people and I can only hope I am not infected the next week or so when I go test. 

But I love you. I care for you all. Especially if you are from Malaysia, there aren't sexual health clinics that are free and friendly to gay men except PT foundation. 

Get Tested. Treat Early. And hopefully, we will be here on the day when cure for HIV is found.  

And spread this message to your friends :)