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How long is 20 months?

It's been almost a year since I last wrote.

So what prompted me to write again?

I still haven't gotten over Jay. He left in June 16? Yes, its now March 18. Shocking right,? How can someone, especially someone like me who can be so determined in my career and studies, who is so rational in all other material aspects, fail to marshal the power to put an end to it.

I wanted to write, to remind myself how much time has passed, as his second birthday post our breakup is coming up.

Last year, I mailed him a gift and a card. There was no reply.

He finally agreed to meet over lunch about half a year ago?

I texted him on a monthly basis to say hello. He would give me a simple reply if he felt like it.

There was this perpetual urge to see him, to talk to him.

I took photos of the baked goods I made. I used the 'save' feature on Facebook to save cute or funny videos. I hoped one day I would have the opportunity to show him all these. How foolish.

I noticed I did not take more tha…
Recent posts

My Progress So Far

In my previous post, I made a list of the things that I wanted to do, in order for me to start thinking and feeling positively.

I have moved into this brand new studio apartment. I have also been cooking up a storm. I could now simply heat up my food when I get home from work, without having to rely on expensive take-away meals.

However, I haven't been able to tick off items 3-5 yet. The apartment could be tidier. I have no one to invite over for meals. And lastly, item number 5, I don't think it will ever happen.

Couple of weeks ago, after moving in, I texted Jay. I asked if it was possible to have a conversation. I told him I wasn't being emotional, I simply wanted to talk.

He declined. And my last text to him was: "I have given you 10 months".

Recently, on Facebook, I discovered videos made by a lady called Xandra Ooi which I found highly helpful and inspirational. She would end each video with ".... be happy, always".

Her ideas made total sense to m…

Positive Thinking Starting Everyday!

Today at the gym:

PT: Hey, how have you been?
Me: Hmm.. It's alright.
PT: Well, my boss told me that one cannot just be 'alright'. It's either good or bad. 
Me: I have just been busy organising for the move, probably that's why. 
I noticed he always had this really positive and cheerful vibe. 
Me: You are always so happy. 
PT: Well, yea, I guess I am, there's no reason to not be right? 

I noticed this stark contrast between my PT and I. He told me about his upcoming trips with his gf to the Great Barrier Reef, and later to Europe. He's always so full of energy too. He doesn't just stand there. He stands with good posture, plays with the exercise ball on his hand, his body language clearly signals that he is a very happy person. 
I took the train to the city for a walk after lunch. 
On the train, I took out my phone and googled "Why am i so negative?" 
I clicked on the first search result:
Negative thinking is a survival strategy that causes us to loo…


So last weekend, I met up with someone from Jack'd. I think at this stage of my life I'm quite willing to meet anyone who is decent and knows how to maintain a good conversation. Anyone who is not only interested in asking where I'm from, how long I have been in Australia, and whether I'm top or bottom, sex, etc.

This guy turned out to be a good 'conversationalist'. It was like ping pong. We kept talking and talking and talking. Since people say it takes two hands to clap, I guess I was doing quite well in talking too?

Like Jay, he likes to travel, to not so safe countries, and no fancy hotels. Reminded me of Jay.

It also reminded me of my first meeting with Jay. We talked for hours, from a dinner place to a dessert place. And until today, every time I passed by the dessert place, I would be glad that the place was still there, but at the same time I wouldn't want to go in. Strange.

I can't find sparks anymore with any of these guys I have met. No spark…

Cherish the Present

It's been slightly more than a month since my last update. Some told me that they were confused by the previous post, I agreed, because the way it was written wouldn't really make too much sense to anyone else except myself.

Well, to cut a long story short, the bottom line is, I simply couldn't let go of Jay. Call me names, but that's the truth.

It's been...almost 8 months now. Wow, that's actually a pretty long time isn't it. People told me moving on, forgetting someone takes time. People told me i would forget once I meet someone new.

Time- ticked.
New people- ticked.

Still, my heart is totally his.

My persistence of contacting him had annoyed him and about a month ago, he asked me not to contact him until the 11th of Feb (yesterday) and that he would contact me.

It's quite a long month to endure. But fortunately, my new job started on the 30th of Jan and did help me to pass time quicker.

Since I came back from my Bangkok/Malaysia trip in December, I…

I just wanted to protect you idiot

Feeling stupid, feeling defeated, feeling like a loser...but if get to choose again, I would still do what I did, I would still have contacted you to warn you, even if I knew you would dismiss what I had to say as me being crazy or overly sensitive.

Because I can't afford to see you hurt. And so I couldn't help thinking about the worst case and to warn you about it.

My best friend and you and me. Just the thought of us getting manipulated in any way. I should have trusted my best friend but when it involves you I just can't. Yes I just can't!. Even if is at the expense of my friendship.

I lied to you (or even to myself) that I could move on and that I had moved on.

I know that one text or one call to you now is one text or one call less in the future. There is some sort of a quota.

You said you had moved on months ago. You said you had nothing else to say to me. But why did you also said that 'you were not ready' to talk? Why did you get so inflamed every time …

I want to punch someone...

There's so much emotion inside me right now that I don't even know where to begin nor how to describe how I am feeling. I think my insides are shaking.

It all started at 6.30pm tonight, as I arrived at the venue for the asian gay men event. I did try to prepare myself for it. 'It' being what if I bump into Jay there?

I have shared with people around me about this asian gay men event. I simply thought it was a healthier and a more meaningful alternative to Jack'D/Grindr for gay men to mingle. I came to know about the event, and attended my first one three years ago.

I told my first about it, and even until today i still encouraged him to go. I told Jay about it, when we were deep in the relationship. But now, I am regretting it.

It is my safe-place to go to. It was me who told you about it. Those people there, they should me my friends. But now, you just appeared and fuck everything.

When I saw Jay there at the entrance, he saw me too, and during that split second, …