Cherish the Present

It's been slightly more than a month since my last update. Some told me that they were confused by the previous post, I agreed, because the way it was written wouldn't really make too much sense to anyone else except myself.

Well, to cut a long story short, the bottom line is, I simply couldn't let go of Jay. Call me names, but that's the truth.

It's been...almost 8 months now. Wow, that's actually a pretty long time isn't it. People told me moving on, forgetting someone takes time. People told me i would forget once I meet someone new.

Time- ticked.
New people- ticked.

Still, my heart is totally his.

My persistence of contacting him had annoyed him and about a month ago, he asked me not to contact him until the 11th of Feb (yesterday) and that he would contact me.

It's quite a long month to endure. But fortunately, my new job started on the 30th of Jan and did help me to pass time quicker.

Since I came back from my Bangkok/Malaysia trip in December, I had been spending most of my time Reading (fictional- small great things by Jodi Picoult, and non-fictional- how to make friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie), Gym (my favourite PT had to leave me to start his physiotherapy career), Wisdom Tooth removal, Cooking (with my new Thermomix machine), and of course, a lot of quiet, me-time for reflection.

I wasn't able to to wait until the 11th of Feb for Jay to contact me. I had to text him and ask for help the night before, because my landlord and his bf had yelled at me, and verbally abused me. I was scared, really scared, because it was me myself versus them. I didn't argue back (mostly), and kept my tone as calm and as polite as possible (thanks to the book by Dale Carnegie), but still they interpreted that as me being fake, being a hypocrite.

So, yes, I am going to be pretty busy hunting for a new place of abode in the next few weeks, and lots of packing and cleaning at the current place. But it's not these physical intensive chores that are bothering me now.

I am quite conscious of my feelings at the moment. There is a combination of Excitement (because I am finally being 'forced' to take the active step and move), and Emptiness.

Here I am sitting in front of the window. I am looking at the moving clouds, the breeze has finally arrived. I am trying to savour the scenery in front of me and hopefully I could retain as much of it as possible. This is because I know that, again, I will be on the move soon.

But this time, it will be very different. VERY DIFFERENT. And perhaps this is what caused the Emptiness or Sadness.

This is my Third place ever since I came to Sydney. I met Jay a few months before I moved to my Second place. He was there. I have memories of him at my First place. We just started dating. He would drive to my place and parked his car in front of the accommodation and we would talk endlessly in his car, followed by intense kissing, and by the time I came out of his car and bade goodbye, his car would already be fogged up.

He helped me move to my Second place. There, we had lots arguments. I started my PhD there. There, we planned two overseas trips.

Again, he helped me to move to my current Third place. We didn't have as many arguments in my Third place because I am living with my landlord and his bf. Most of the arguments took place over the phone. There was a lot less sex too. We actually had a break up before I moved in, so ever since I moved in, we were sort of on a quasi-relationship. Quasi, because none of us wanted to approach the issue. We weren't dating anyone else of course. We would still go out. And things were actually getting better, I could feel it, and he even made me a new ice-cream sticks frame with our polaroid in it. He didn't hand it to me. He put it in a bag with something else.

It was when I opened the bag after I got back into my room that I noticed the photo inside. I was so touched. It meant A LOT to me. It was like him telling me that "you and I we are together, we are partners, and I love you". I think I sent him or picture of it, or at least I sent him a "thanks." but I guess we both knew what it meant, and there wasn't a need to talk about it.

But in just a few weeks after receiving that from him, I couldn't control my temper when his friends came over, and not only that, I behaved like an asshole after that, and needless to say, I lost him.

Now, as I am looking for a new place to move, dealing with the current landlord, packing, throwing away things that I don't need, it feels like I am being sucked into a vortex of emotions.

I know this sounds silly, but I am afraid he wouldn't be able to find me after i move to another place. I am worried that the new place might be too far for us to see each other in the future. I am worried I can't transport and carry ALL these memories we had (dining at the restaurants here, running around the suburb, grocery shopping, etc.), I am afraid of losing even just one piece of these memories.

I am also afraid that what if God didn't plan for me an 80-year lifespan. What if the count-down has started. What if there isn't enough time for me win him back?

We had a long phone call on two nights ago, and I really appreciated it.

Although we didn't see each other face to face, but I was able to finally tell him honestly about what I have learned about myself from my recent reflection.

I came to the realisation recently that I actually suffer from low self-esteem. There is a possibility that I already knew about this but was too afraid to confront myself about it.

I could think of so many examples of how having a low self-esteem caused us to get into bad arguments. I was too afraid of losing him, and I kept comparing myself with him, myself with his friends. I was technically still a student, but him and his friends were not. I felt that he was the best God could ever give me, but not vice versa. Hence, I constantly sought re-assurances from him, everywhere, everything we did.

At the swimming pool, I sought reassurance from him (that he cared about me) by questioning him for not looking back to make sure I was safely swimming behind him.
When he told me about a gathering he would like to attend, I made it difficult for him, indirectly asking him to tell me whether his friends or me is more important.

I also failed to really try to understand him, his busy schedule. Now that I started working 9-5 (waking up at 7 and reaching home at 6), I finally understood how exhausting it is on a weekday night, and how precious the time is on weekends.

In the past, if we meet up for dinner on a weekday night, I would insist on getting coffee or dessert after dinner, and protest if he indicated that he would like to go home earlier coz it was already 9pm. Because at that time, I figured as long as he got home before 10pm it would be fine for him. How selfish I was.

Then on weekends, when he asked me to get ready on time for brunch, I complained that he was impatient. I didn't really appreciate the fact that he had to do so many things before he could drive to my place, such as ironing, cleaning the house, taking care of the dog, baking, cooking, etc. All i could see was how 'I' was so busy with my phd, with reading, with writing, with stress....

I failed to care for him. I failed so miserably.

Because I failed to admit I had low self-esteem. Because I compared and got jealous easily. Because I was selfish to look beyond my phd.