The Untold Stories

Well, the title pretty much sums things up. Struggled to get out of bed as sleep again was poor. Told myself that "today will be better", "be confident", "be optimistic", etc. Study/work Got an email from the co-supervisor telling me that I do have some options with my enrolment. Spent some time sending an email to the admin centre, showered, and got ready to go out. Had lunch at my usual place. Believe it or not, I have been eating fried mee hoon + iced teh tarik for the last month or so, almost every single day, for lunch, even on weekends. I struggled to finish my plate of fried mee hoon.  I felt guilty not appreciating it as much as I could, but I simply didn't quite have the appetite. My mind was half frozen as sleep was bad. Got to uni, printed something to read, read the first two pages, and decided that I really couldn't do it. My mind was not digesting those words. Got a call from the admin centre and basically have the followi...

As I was scrolling down the list of old posts, I found  A Little Summary  of my life that I had written about 18 months ago. I want to do another 'little summary' now. I am almost a year into my PhD. When the last 'little summary' was written, I had just completed the Honours year. Honours was really hard, even on hindsight. I don't have much memory of it, probably because I was traumatised. Instead of spending one year/2 semesters (8-9 months actually), I took a break after the first semester. If you have been following my blog, you would know why. It was the darkest period of my life. I had just gotten my permanent residency at that time. I was beginning to make up my mind to remain and settle down here. I had also just broken up. Like finally, officially, effectively broken up. I had finally convinced myself that enough is enough. It was my very first relationship. I was very heart broken. I told myself that I wanted to be happy, to get rid of the blu...

Have been writing less these days. It also means that I am spending less time summarising, thinking, reflecting, and communicating. Studies: DONE for this level, but not finished yet. Got my results about a week ago (14 July?). Not tip-top, but OK la. I think as I grow older, I am more able to accept an outcome, even if it's not what I have wanted or hoped for. I was in the lounge room at my old place, and was chatting with a housemate while I was on my way out to have breakfast. We were talking about the release of results on the new student portal. He said he got his, and so I tried it once again, and I saw my results. I couldn't speak literally. Not sure if he could sense anything. And without saying anything, I left the house and walked to my favourite cafe in the icy cold winter morning. My mind was full of self-consoling words. Indeed, what more can I ask for. From 0 to xx. I was literally at 0 a year ago. And maybe 10, 3 months before the thesis was due. In the la...

Submitted my thesis last week. Worked till 6am, sent my final draft to my supervisor, and went to bed. Didn't really sleep though, as I set my alarm at 8am, and by then, my supervisor had already emailed me the final edits required. I incorporated the final changes, and saved a few copies to my pen drives, to dropbox, before I showered and headed off to uni to print. Deadline was at 12pm, I was at the print shop at around 10.30am. It was a super cheerful asian lady. The print shop was empty, probably because it was Stuvac. Printed the entire thing in colour, cost me a fortune. But luckily the lady kindly gave me some discounts, so nice of her. Took a few photos of them before I handed them in. Uni is finally over!!! ...OR probably not??! One of the best things being with Jay, is that he is interesting. He's smart. Because, you know, I am already smart, so I need someone smarter for some stimulation. (Just kidding!! :-p) I called him right after I finished posting the ph...

Ahh...I am so not productive today.  Probably I slept late last night (2am, as I worked till quite late amending my work).  Today, there was a house meeting at the place I live. Had to go coz it's 'compulsory', but anyway I had my laptop with me, didn't bother!  Feeling stressed, and have been telling myself not to, because being stressful doesn't help a thing.  Have also been telling myself that ' what's between me and success/completion, is myself.' Hopefully tomorrow will be super duper productive. Two weeks to submission.  Jay came over just now! I told him that I was tired and needed massage coz my neck felt like it was going to break. Too much staring at the computer.  Bought myself a laptop stand, hopefully it will be delivered by tomorrow as promised.  Oh, back to Jay. He brought me so much stuff! Like he was going to the temple! Haha..coz there were cakes & bread & biscotti that he baked, a 'kuih' t...

Texted Jay yesterday afternoon and asked if he was still available for dinner. He asked me about it the night before but I said it would have to depend on my progress... Didn't make much progress yesterday as sleep wasn't that good, slept too late I guess after my Happy Friday.  Anyway, we went to this really nice place for dinner. Rump steak, Pork Belly. He always knows where to go and what to order. The food he ordered was always better than mine, and he picked the right places too..unlike me :(  After dinner, we came back to my suburb and I brought him to this gelato place and we had a walk around the park. It wasn't too cold at night, as Sydney is unusually warm these few weeks at this time of the year.  We went back into his car to chat a bit and then we adjourned to my room LOL.  For the first time, we were naked in front of each other. For the first time, there were tongues involved. For the first time, we cum-ed.  It was already 1....

I didn't know it was going to be a great day when i woke up this morning. In fact, sleep was so bad last night. My balls were so dry and was so itchy and prevented me from falling asleep. [too much information maybe?] And I had nightmare. My 'boss' at work who is like a super patient guy normally yelled at me in the dream. Went to see my supervisor. Halfway through the meeting, another prof. appeared and told me that I could be excused from the class next week! it's a class which is super not helpful to me at this stage. Gah, finally, though it's only 3-4 hours and it's only for next week, I m still happy. And hmm...in terms of my work, my supervisor was happy with some parts and not so much with the other parts, so I have a lot more to do tomorrow. it's only like 2.5 weeks left. And I still have many chapters which i haven't even started writing!!! But sometimes I really glad that I have this supervisor. And what she said today really made my ...

Yes, 1 more month to thesis submission. I was so stressed the other night. I realised I could masturbate twice with a few hours apart. I watched porn when I was stressed. And then I felt more stressed, plus a bit of guilt, that the time spent on porn and masturbations could have been used on writing my thesis. The hardest part about writing a thesis, is not really about writing, but the planning, the structuring before actual writing could take place. I breathed a sigh of relief yesterday after seeing my supervisor, as she seemed to like my way of structuring the literature review. I was quite stressed before seeing her. Lots of what-if questions over my mind. What if she said it's not 'quite' right (notice the use of quite, because even a small hiccup now can drive me crazy, as I am running out of time!). So, she 'approved' it, and asked me to write them down. I am quite afraid of writing to be honest. Academic writing, and especially when it's forming ...

Just before I went to bed last night, I had a look at the calendar on my phone. In about six weeks, I will have to submit my thesis. I panicked, and maybe it was a panic attack. My heart started pumping really fast, I couldn't sleep, I was in so much fear and anxiety. It's not that I had never realised how much time I had got. But last night, the realisation really struck me. It's not about the quality, it's really about completion now. As long as I complete it, I still have a thesis. But without good sleep, a day is not really day. I can't think and structure my thoughts properly, let alone writing well. I started to consider if I should stop my part-time job. I started to think if I should tell Jay that I should stop seeing him for a while. Not that I think he's distracting me so much, but more about I will become 'a burden' (check out Tuls' post today) to him. I don't want to share too much of my worries and stress with him. But ...

If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail. AND, be mindful of the moment, where you are at, and what you are doing. There are the two things that I picked up yesterday, during a 'group activity' at the place I live. Like I've said before, I was kinda different compared to how I am now. Especially during Form 4 and Form 5, I was very determined to be the best student. I am constantly making plans to study and I felt good after doing the revisions. Sometimes, my mum would walk past my room and stood just outside the door, quietly observing me studying, and probably feeling proud of how hardworking her son was. Also, be mindful of the present. Think about why am I here (why am I in Australia? Why am i living in this accommodation? How long have I been here? What is the time now? Eh, I am typing out a blog post now...etc) Think about the goals in the short term (complete my degree), in the medium term (where to settle down, what to do...) In 2013 at least, I was...

Emailed my supervisor yesterday, asking for the meeting scheduled today to be canceled because I haven't done enough preparation/work to meet with her yet.  I was super nervous in the past few days as I got an email from one of the firms, asking me to complete an online interview.  So I couldn't work on my research and had to spend time, thinking about questions they might ask me so that I could prepare the answers!  Luckily my friend was very helpful and generous with sharing her experience with me, and a 'new friend' I met on Jack'D that gave me some very useful tips too.  I had about 7 days to work on my research (as i meet with my supervisor weekly). The first 4 days just burnt, because I was lazy. The remaining 3 days, because of the interview. So I am one week behind my schedule now!! The supervisor replied this morning, saying it was ok to call off the meeting, but she asked 'do you mind telling me what you did during the week?'. I ...

Nothing really special. Slept in until 11am? How do you define  sleeping in? I woke up multiple times, to pee, to have breakfast, to have a quick look at the phone, then allowing myself to wander back into dreamland. I have decided to 'do something about my life'! LOL Seriously, I can't keep spending money on food, etc and not being productive. Being a student, I should be studying  as hard as I can right? So I stopped myself from switching my Macbook to windows mode, so that I don't play Dota. (Oh, by the way, I recently learned to play this new hero, it's a Phoenix, so cool, I learned fast, ...., but let's forget about it for now) Arrived at the library at around 1pm and stayed there till 5pm. Didn't know that it closes at 5 on Fridays now. Did some reading, quite productive la, given that journal articles aren't really that user-friendly. Having some cash flows problems recently. Can't really write about the details here. But I should ...

Wow, it's been a week since I last wrote something. What's bothering me now, seriously, is the rash on my chest. I decided to 'start anew'. I wanted so much to be a good student again. I wanted so much to do really really well in my last semester. So I drew up a to-do list for today. I dumped the suitcase that had glass shards in it as it was too hard to clean and one of the wheels was broken, four years dy anyway. I went to K-Mart to look for a cheap shoe rack for my room but changed my mind because I didn't want to spend the money when I am actually able to just arrange the shoes nicely. I then went to the uni library, and finally gathered the courage to email my supervisor, informing her that I am back and wanting to start. I even went to the gym, did some lifting after almost a month of zero workout. Then I came back and showered. As I was showering, I noticed there were some rashes on my chest. Hard to describe. Little red bumps scattered mostly on th...

Peace, and Love are things that we easily take for granted. In the past 2 months especially, I have been struggling to get peace and to feel loved. I've always failed to realised the importance of Peace and Love until I lost them. I hope I have learned something. I hope I will be able to not take things for granted, but I know it's always easier said than done. I phoned to the Sexual Health clinic this afternoon, and I was given a negative test result. Thank God. Before the test, I kept telling myself, if the 4th week post-pep test is negative, I should most likely be ok because I've had tests at 1,2,3,4 wk post-pep and the tests detect both antigens and antibodies. If PEP failed, the virus should be replicating and the tests should be able to detect the antigen component at least, even if not enough antibodies were produced. However, now having the 4th week test result, I am still not relieved. I've been thinking about various possible reasons that could cause a fa...

Went to the sexual health clinic today for my 1 month post-PEP test. Similar to another sexual health clinic, this clinic in the city is trialing the Uni Gold rapid test. It only tests for antibodies though, unlike the recently approved Alere Determine which incorporates both antigens and antibodies tests. I hope I will be fine. Also, had a session with the counselor today. It was therapeutic I believe, as at least there was someone listening to me as I tried to summarize what I did and how I felt for the past week, and some plans that I have. I told the counselor that I am planning to apply for a course leave, to 'rest' for a semester. She kindly agreed to write a letter for me. I have also taken a step by emailing by supervisor today and told her that I am planning to do this. Will be going to the university tomorrow and start to get the details about the application process. Hopefully, this will go smoothly. Once, it's been finalized, I will let my parents know...