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Showing posts from June, 2013

I fucked up, again!

Yes, I fucked up again. Last time it was 5th May, which caused me to be in great danger and affected me in many ways. Tonight, I fucked up again.

I feel like I'm the most useless person in this world. I prayed every night, sometimes several times a day, for God to strengthen me, to deliver me from temptations and evils, for good health, for peace. How can I allow this to happen again??!!

I will not go into the details, but the fact is I had sex with this person that I had just known for about 1 hour. How could i be so vulnerable? Yes, it was so brief (the sex) and it was protected but so what. I dun wan, I keep telling people, I keep telling God I dun wan to have random sex ever again! But why did it happen!! I'm such a slut!

I could have gone out with friends. I could have played games at home. I could have done so many other things but why did I do this! I hate myself! I am afraid even God will turn away from me. I am afraid I will be punished for doing this!

I have been wat…

I Will Not Forget You

'Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you.' (Isaiah 49:15)

Just received this bible verse from my mum on whatsapp. Yes, 'I' most probably means God in that context, but to me, I feel that it's a way my mum is telling me that I'm her in her thoughts.

I guess my parents and aunt must be worried about me recently, especially so as they don't know exactly what I'm facing. But there's no way I could let them know, and I only hope I will turn out fine, when I get the test results in the next few weeks.

Went to my GP yesterday, and she told me that my Hep C Qualitative PCR was negative. She said she called the pathology and got the result but it hasn't been sent to her electronically yet and she promised she will post a copy to me once she got it. My 23rd day post-PEP test was negative. And I've booked myself a test next Monday, which will be 29th day …

Some updates...

Called the clinic today for my 23rd day post-PEP result. Thank God, it was negative.

Called the pathology just now, and finally the Hep C PCR Qualitative test had been completed and should go back to my GP tomorrow morning. Will be seeing my GP tomorrow. Hope it will be fine.

Had a nightmare this morning and woke up with sweat on my forehead. I was afraid that it will be related to HIV symptoms- night sweats. It was 6.30 am but I quickly grabbed my phone and started to search about night sweats. I hope it was just the anxiety and nightmare that caused the sweat. I wasn't sweating profusely though. I hope this wouldn't make me worried to go to bed tonight.

I really hope I will be able to let it go. The counsellor I spoke with on Monday said it was a 'trauma' to me. Being a super meticulous person, especially with regard to having protected sex, this incident was something 'beyond my control' and that I am still in shock.

It was my mum's birthday yesterday bu…

23rd day post-PEP

So today is the 23rd day since i finished PEP. Went to a different sexual health clinic today, about 30 mins by train from the city, to have another test. This is because I can't keep going to the same clinic because they will refuse to test me so often.

It wasn't as quick this time. Waited for about an hour to be finally seen by a doctor. This clinic has a different system. Because I wanted a rapid test in addition to the conventional one, it had to be performed by a doctor, instead of a nurse.

Had a rapid test (Trinity Uni Gold) which is currently on trial in NSW. It is not licensed in Australia yet. Got a negative result with it but I wasn't relieved because this test only tests for antibodies, unlike the recently approved rapid test (Alere Determine) that tests for both antigens and antibodies. Anyway, I really hope I will be fine.

The Hep C PCR Qualitative test had not been performed by the lab yet, when I phoned the lab this afternoon, it was still pending. So slow. …

I'm Sorry...

My dad just skyped me. And shortly after that, my aunt skyped me.

I could only tell my dad about the discomfort of my throat, and 'everyday' stress. I had to tell my family because if I needed any special arrangement from the uni, eventually I will have to tell them, so it's a way of 'paving the way'.

I guess my dad must have told my aunt. So she called and told me a lot of chinese medicine stuff. What's good for you, what you shouldn't eat....

I couldn't tell them exactly what I am undergoing. What they advised sounded totally irrelevant to my situation. I couldn't help but to show my impatience while talking to them. I am sorry, it's just that I can't tell you, it's just that what i have on my plate is a lot more complicated that you can imagine.

On the other hand, I am thankful that i have a family who cares about me. Who don't really mind my impatience, or rudeness.

Tomorrow I will go for another test, 3 weeks post PEP. I hope it…

How Well Do You Know?

When it comes to the person that you love, with all your heart, how well do you think you know about him? Is he really the person that you think he is?

I was challenged a couple of times, especially in the last few weeks. I was confused, I still am.

I'm talking about my ex.

I still couldn't let go. People told me it's normal, given what I'm going through, it might be that I am like a drowning person looking for a piece of wood that's closest to me. Perhaps they were right. Perhaps the feelings that I am having toward him, are not really love, but because I am so used to telling him everything.

As mentioned previously, I told my ex about the unfortunate incident, soon after it happened when I was waiting in the emergency department. He did not come to me. He had no obligation to do so. During this period of time, we did meet up for a few times actually, but I didn't manage to hide my fears, my worries, and he didn't appear to care and was even annoyed becaus…

The Weekend

Thank God that this weekend has passed by quite peacefully. It's now 11:49 PM in Sydney, it's still raining, it's cold. As I was lying down on my bed last night, I thought, how fortunate and blessed am I, to be able to sleep in a warm and cosy little room while many are homeless.

Saturday
Woke up late as usual. Decided to get out of my room despite the cold and wet weather. Went to the City, and ended up in a new Japanese Restaurant for lunch, alone. Had a set lunch with Tuna and a poached egg, Salmon, miso and rice. Price: $16.80. Ok la, 'once in a while' I told myself.

Before I ended up in this Japanese place, I actually went to a Thai restaurant which was quite quiet despite it being quite a popular dining option. The first thing I asked was, 'do you have hot coffee here?', and because they only had those unfresh, bulk-produced 'thai iced coffee', I decided to dine elsewhere.

Anyway, the Japanese place didn't have coffee either. So, I got to g…

Some updates

So, today is Saturday (already). As I told my supervisor yesterday, on my hand I hope the days go by quickly so that I could stop worrying but on the other hand, I wish I could have time to do my thesis.

I managed to persuade the doctor to let me do the HCV PCR Qualitative test to test for Hep C. It must be God's blessings that she is a gay too! So, the first thing I said to her was: Hmm, I am gay, do you mind? And she answered: I'm gay too :)

But I did lie to her. I didn't tell her that I was put on PEP. Instead I told her that I was exposed to someone who has Hep C. This is because I needed to persuade her to give me the test. Went straight to the pathology after that, and I was actually worried that the 'collector', the guy who drew my blood would not know how to process/store the blood before it was taken to the central lab. So I kept giving some 'reminders' like, 'oh, so you are going to freeze it first right?', 'oh, so what happens after t…

Panicked again, I am tired

I was emotionally okay this morning. I replied to a few facebook messages from friends and emailed my lecturer to explain about my late reply to her email.

I can't disclose too much here, but I am a research student, my course is research based. One thing, I am not a science student.

So, as I'm doing research, I have a supervisor and I have a thesis to be completed by the end of this year. Progress is not very good as I was pretty much in a bad mental state in the past month or so. I did tell her about my condition but I did not describe it in detail, merely telling her that I am having some problems. She is a kind lady, thankfully.

After I replied to her email, I started doing some work because I told myself that I needed to resume my work if not I wouldn't be able to complete in time.

But, I don't know how I got sucked into this state of panicking and worrying since afternoon. I have previously read that if a person is infected by HIV and Hep C at the same time, due …

16th day post PEP

Went to another sexual health clinic today for another test.

Had the rapid test with (Alere Determine HIV 1/2 Ag/Ab) and the standard test. The result was negative with the rapid test but there's a consensus that the rapid test is slightly less sensitive than the conventional test (4th generation Ag/Ab). So I hope they wouldn't call me in the next few days and tell me otherwise.

16 days after PEP is still pretty early for a definitive answer, but it's still better than the one previously right?

I'm planning for the next test already. I may be a little bit obsessed with tests but I really want some certainty.

It's been such a long way. And I thank God for being with me.

Do you feel the same?

Just sharing a few interesting passages from the book I am reading.

[Being Gay, Being Christian: You Can Be Both by Stuart Edser]

Likening the life of a gay to the life of an undercover
'Perhaps an example might help. Think of those police officers who go undercover to join crime gangs or the underworld. They have to immerse themselves fully in the harsh realities of the criminal culture, with all its cruelty, greed, deceit and barbarism. They are forced to act and behave in every way contrary to their own nature, their own sense of morality. They must adopt the criminals culture's ways of living, talking, laughing, loving, eating, drinking, driving, playing, dressing. It is nothing short of total immersion and they must act this way 24 hours a day lest they be discovered'. 

It is immensely painful to lead a life like this (and We know it)
'After their undercover work is complete, it is not uncommon for them to end up in a psychologist's consulting rooms for ongoing cou…

Don't Know What to Write

Don't know what to write, as I don't know what I'm currently thinking and What I should be thinking.

Health
Tested negative last Tuesday, which was about a week post PEP. My next test is scheduled on Tuesday.

Still not feeling very well, sweaty palms, anxiety, lymph nodes on neck still swollen, still having mild sore throat.

Went to see a Chinese doctor last week, got some herbs to drink. I know I wouldn't be able to relax my mind fully until at least 4 weeks post PEP.

Trying hard to cheer myself up. But don't really feel like going to friends. I have a feeling that I am burdening them with my negative emotions.

Relationship
Jeff, the Chinese guy that I dated, came again on Friday night. I had a feeling that he might be a boring person like me as he didn't have plans, didn't know where to bring me and we ended up having tea and chit chat at the same restaurant.

Did something stupid. I created a Jack'D account on my old phone, pretending to be a good looki…

1 week post-PEP

Despite being told to call back on Thursday morning, I called the Nurse Consultant this afternoon for the results because I know it is a common test. 
Negative. Thank god.. And hopefully this will bring away some anxiety, as the signs that I have been experiencing for more than a week will most probably be unrelated. 
I know he will not test me again so soon, so I made an appointment at another sexual health clinic for a test next week. Hopefully, the result will remain the same. 
I will also call the Nurse Consultant on Friday for the EBV test for glandular fever. 

Transgressions

I will have my first follow-up test tomorrow morning.

This morning after I woke up, I did my routine which is to see if I've got any 'symptoms'. I panicked a bit again this morning because i could see some faint red patches on my body. Even until now, I don't know if these are how my skin looks normally, possibly because of uneven skin tone or are they rashes. I am scared, but I am tired. And I hate myself. Why did I go to the sauna that night? Why did I have to be so slutty?

I don't know what will happen in the next few days and the next few weeks. I hope the medication works, I hope I wasn't infected. I hope the 'signs' I am experiencing are unrelated. I hope...

Speaking of transgressions, as a Christian gay.

He asked if we could meet up tonight, and I was more than happy to say yes. Partly because I wanted my night to be filled up, I didn't want to be alone tonight. And partly because I am interested in him.

We had dinner at a restaurant near my …

A Date

Finally got some me-time to sit down and write about what's been happening in the past few days.

Had a presentation on Thursday morning, met up with supervisor on Friday. No more assessments except for the thesis at year end. Got some tasks to be completed by Tuesday but haven't started working on it.

Went out with friends last night to see Vivid. It's a light festival kinda thing that is organised annually in Sydney. Lights were projected on the Opera House, the bridges, and some historical buildings. Some improvements this year as they added acoustic effects and instead of just images, they had videos projected on those buildings. After that, we went to a Chinese restaurant for dinner, we were all famished as we had to walk for about 1 km from those places to Chinatown. The dinner was awesome, probably because we were just too hungry. Had sweet and sour pork, mongolian beef and long beans fried with minced pork.

Something more interesting/exciting....

So, on Friday night…

Birthday

So, it was my birthday last Monday. Probably because of my family's thinking, birthdays are not usually celebrated in a big way. I've gotten used to not receiving any presents, surprises, or even cakes. And I have always told myself not to expect birthdays to be the best day of a year, because if something does not go according to your way, you will be twice as sad or disappointed.

As I am living in a hostel, and it's very much like a family here, the residents have in the past always made birthday cards for others on their birthdays. I got a big card on Monday when I got home from uni, and I felt happy that they remembered my birthday and spent time making me a card. But even if they didn't, it's no biggie.

On Tuesday night, David drove me to Robyn and Andrew's house for a dinner. Robyn and Andrew are a married couple from our church, and most importantly they are like the most supportive ones in the church with homosexual rights. They have no problems with ga…

End of PEP

So this morning I took the last pill. The past 28 days were not easy to go by. With assignments, health, and relationship issues, it was tough, very tough. I can only thank God for His guidance and comfort, and David, and some other friends for their willingness to listen.

Still feeling tired today. Still found it hard to fall asleep last night even though I went for a 30 mins jog at the gym. Woke up late, had breakfast and medicine, and slept again. Did just very little assignment, had a house meeting at my hostel, and felt tired and was resting on my bed. Didn't feel like going to church.

Hx messaged me and asked if I was alright (He's a gay friend that I just knew before this incident started and we had only met once). Anyway, we decided to meet up for dinner. Went for coffee after dinner just now, and I told him, finally. Hopefully this will explain why I wasn't being upbeat and hasn't asked him out for dinner since we first met.

Still, I felt like talking to KK af…