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Transgressions

I will have my first follow-up test tomorrow morning.

This morning after I woke up, I did my routine which is to see if I've got any 'symptoms'. I panicked a bit again this morning because i could see some faint red patches on my body. Even until now, I don't know if these are how my skin looks normally, possibly because of uneven skin tone or are they rashes. I am scared, but I am tired. And I hate myself. Why did I go to the sauna that night? Why did I have to be so slutty?

I don't know what will happen in the next few days and the next few weeks. I hope the medication works, I hope I wasn't infected. I hope the 'signs' I am experiencing are unrelated. I hope...

Speaking of transgressions, as a Christian gay.

He asked if we could meet up tonight, and I was more than happy to say yes. Partly because I wanted my night to be filled up, I didn't want to be alone tonight. And partly because I am interested in him.

We had dinner at a restaurant near my place as it was late, and we were both hungry.

After that, he asked me to show him my place/room as I promised him last time when he asked that I would show him the next time. So, I brought him back and showed him around. We spent more than an hour just talking and I tried to avoid getting too 'intimate' and showed the wrong sign. But as we talked more, it became kinda dry and slightly awkward actually. So I made some jokes and asked him about his past relationships and stuff, etc.

Anyway, we ended up getting close. We kissed. And then we talked more. And then we had some oral. Just very briefly. We decided that we want to keep things slower. I agreed. Having sex with a stranger, though I still find it 'sexy' sometimes, is not something that I would like to do. I will feel guilty afterwards. And I will break my promise to God.

I am sure that what I did tonight was too much. It wasn't filled with lust so much, because we were able to talk to communicate, and it's not just a quickie kind of thing. Oral sex is sex. We did not cum. It was brief. But it was too intimate, for someone that I was seeing for the second time.

Is it possible to stay away from all these things? What is a good Christian? Some may think that I am too harsh with myself, but if I relax the rules, tweak the promise, I will just keep doing so until there's no promise.

I will not get the test results immediately tomorrow. I know if something goes wrong they will call me. If nothing, they won't call.
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