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Showing posts from November, 2016

I want to punch someone...

There's so much emotion inside me right now that I don't even know where to begin nor how to describe how I am feeling. I think my insides are shaking.

It all started at 6.30pm tonight, as I arrived at the venue for the asian gay men event. I did try to prepare myself for it. 'It' being what if I bump into Jay there?

I have shared with people around me about this asian gay men event. I simply thought it was a healthier and a more meaningful alternative to Jack'D/Grindr for gay men to mingle. I came to know about the event, and attended my first one three years ago.

I told my first about it, and even until today i still encouraged him to go. I told Jay about it, when we were deep in the relationship. But now, I am regretting it.

It is my safe-place to go to. It was me who told you about it. Those people there, they should me my friends. But now, you just appeared and fuck everything.

When I saw Jay there at the entrance, he saw me too, and during that split second, …

Vote for PT Foundation (Just 1-click)

Hello,

If anyone is reading this, could you please click on this link, follow through a few more steps to vote for PT foundation?

"PT Foundation (previously known as Pink Triangle Sdn Bhd) is a community-based, voluntary non-profit making organization providing HIV/AIDS education, prevention, care and support programmes, sexual health and empowerment programmes for vulnerable communities in Malaysia. We work with 5 key affected populations mainly drug users, sex workers, transsexuals, men who have sex with men (MSM), and people living with HIV/AIDS (PLHIV)."

I donated to PT foundation for a few times in the past, and today I just visited their website again and saw that they need votes for a donation.

Please share this out if you can :) Thanks

Teach me how to cry

It sucks.

For the past few nights I have been trying to cry to make myself feel better. But no matter how hard I have tried there's still no tears. 
I looked at the oldest photos I have on my iphone, those taken within the last two years. I have changed. The relationship had changed too. I have aged. My face was slimmer, I looked younger and more cheerful, or cuter. We used to take lots of 'sweet' photos together. Random photos u took of me. Naked,half naked. We would dine out together more on Friday nights. And we would take photos of the food AND of us, but then gradually, only photos of the food. 
I failed to cry maybe because I am afraid of being the 'stupid' one. "What if, actually you never quite liked/loved me?" "What if u thought I was ugly with my acnes?" "What if I was really standing in your way in the last few months, disturbing you when u perhaps had moved on and was dating someone when I kept texting you?" Or worse, "…

Someone to fall back on

I remember when we argued,  I used to tell Jay how much my situation is different from his. He has a family here and they are living together while me, I am ALONE, yes, just by myself here. He grew up here, he went to school here and so friends from primary and high schools still can keep in touch easily.

Sometimes I attribute my OCD with hygiene, with personal safety and with anxieties in general to the fact that I am alone here, and that I have NO ONE TO FALL BACK ON.

It's different when you know you have parents looking after you. You can afford to be a bit lax about hygiene. But now that I'm here by myself, I get very worried (sometimes excessively) whenever I have a sore throat or when I simply feel unwell. "What if I am sick?" "what if it's so serious that I need to go to hospital?" "do I call the ambulance?" "who is going to let the paramedics in?" "what if I can't go work? can't work for an extended period of tim…

I got a job!

Some recent highlights:
I quit PhD! (Yes, no kidding.) and I got my first ever full-time job.
My iPhone 7 128gb black which just arrived today, on which I'm typing.

Well, I've been away from the blog world for a very long time. Haven't been following what people have written, haven't posted anything myself.

After 18 months into the program, I quit. Long story, but everything unfolded a lot quicker than I had imagined. Initially, I merely wanted to change my primary supervisor, and on the surface everyone including her was encouraging and fine. And I got an initial yes from a world renowned professor who recently joined the faculty to become my new primary supervisor. But someone must have erected some roadblocks and then I was left in a limbo, with no ideal candidate as my supervisor.

It's complicated and I don't think it's necessary to write down the sequence of events here. Anyway, I came across a job advertisement and upon seeing it, (on hindsight it'…