The Untold Stories

In my previous post, I made a list of the things that I wanted to do, in order for me to start thinking and feeling positively. I have moved into this brand new studio apartment. I have also been cooking up a storm. I could now simply heat up my food when I get home from work, without having to rely on expensive take-away meals. However, I haven't been able to tick off items 3-5 yet. The apartment could be tidier. I have no one to invite over for meals. And lastly, item number 5, I don't think it will ever happen. Couple of weeks ago, after moving in, I texted Jay. I asked if it was possible to have a conversation. I told him I wasn't being emotional, I simply wanted to talk. He declined. And my last text to him was: "I have given you 10 months". Recently, on Facebook, I discovered videos made by a lady called Xandra Ooi which I found highly helpful and inspirational. She would end each video with ".... be happy, always". Her ideas made tota...

Today at the gym: PT: Hey, how have you been? Me: Hmm.. It's alright. PT: Well, my boss told me that one cannot just be 'alright'. It's either good or bad.  Me: I have just been busy organising for the move, probably that's why.  I noticed he always had this really positive and cheerful vibe.  Me: You are always so happy.  PT: Well, yea, I guess I am, there's no reason to not be right?  I noticed this stark contrast between my PT and I. He told me about his upcoming trips with his gf to the Great Barrier Reef, and later to Europe. He's always so full of energy too. He doesn't just stand there. He stands with good posture, plays with the exercise ball on his hand, his body language clearly signals that he is a very happy person.  I took the train to the city for a walk after lunch.  On the train, I took out my phone and googled "Why am i so negative?"  I clicked on the first search result: Negati...

It's been slightly more than a month since my last update. Some told me that they were confused by the previous post, I agreed, because the way it was written wouldn't really make too much sense to anyone else except myself. Well, to cut a long story short, the bottom line is, I simply couldn't let go of Jay. Call me names, but that's the truth. It's been...almost 8 months now. Wow, that's actually a pretty long time isn't it. People told me moving on, forgetting someone takes time. People told me i would forget once I meet someone new. Time- ticked. New people- ticked. Still, my heart is totally his. My persistence of contacting him had annoyed him and about a month ago, he asked me not to contact him until the 11th of Feb (yesterday) and that he would contact me. It's quite a long month to endure. But fortunately, my new job started on the 30th of Jan and did help me to pass time quicker. Since I came back from my Bangkok/Malaysia tri...

Spent the weekend packing, throwing things out, and moving things over to my new abode. Packing- filling a bag or suitcase with stuff is not that hard. The necessary tidy-up that precedes packing is the hardest bit. Have to be decisive and ruthless when it comes to getting rid of things that I haven't used for at least a year. I am a borderline hoarder. I like to keep stuff, because just in case / who knows one day I might miss this, or need that. My pathology test results, x-ray films,  undergrad course notes, vocabulary notebooks since high school that I had brought with from Malaysia, a Nokia cell phone (just in case I might need it for camping one day), my first smartphone, graphic calculator from Year 12, a few Casio calculators, key rings/souvenirs given to me by my family which I have never used, boarding passes from the first trip with Jay, the letters he wrote me, books that I brought with 6 years ago, piano scores for some church hymns that I used to play when I fel...

Well, the title pretty much sums things up. Struggled to get out of bed as sleep again was poor. Told myself that "today will be better", "be confident", "be optimistic", etc. Study/work Got an email from the co-supervisor telling me that I do have some options with my enrolment. Spent some time sending an email to the admin centre, showered, and got ready to go out. Had lunch at my usual place. Believe it or not, I have been eating fried mee hoon + iced teh tarik for the last month or so, almost every single day, for lunch, even on weekends. I struggled to finish my plate of fried mee hoon.  I felt guilty not appreciating it as much as I could, but I simply didn't quite have the appetite. My mind was half frozen as sleep was bad. Got to uni, printed something to read, read the first two pages, and decided that I really couldn't do it. My mind was not digesting those words. Got a call from the admin centre and basically have the followi...

I had just finished reading a book last night. Because of what I do, I read a lot, but reading is limited to academic materials. I am picky when it comes to reading for pleasure. Harry Potter is still the best hands down. A book has to be able to sustain my interest. I don't have a favourite author, nor a genre. And every time I walked into a book store in the last 5 years at least, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choice, and ended up buying nothing. Last week, I googled for a book recommendation. I came across this book, entitled  When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi . It came out as the top 10 books to read now , across different websites. After having read the synopsis and a few reviews I decided the book was a must-buy. Paul, the author, has died, before the book was completed and published. He was an extremely talented neurosurgeon and neuroscientist, almost completing his residency and it was at the pinnacle of his career that he was diagnosed with lung ...

As I was scrolling down the list of old posts, I found  A Little Summary  of my life that I had written about 18 months ago. I want to do another 'little summary' now. I am almost a year into my PhD. When the last 'little summary' was written, I had just completed the Honours year. Honours was really hard, even on hindsight. I don't have much memory of it, probably because I was traumatised. Instead of spending one year/2 semesters (8-9 months actually), I took a break after the first semester. If you have been following my blog, you would know why. It was the darkest period of my life. I had just gotten my permanent residency at that time. I was beginning to make up my mind to remain and settle down here. I had also just broken up. Like finally, officially, effectively broken up. I had finally convinced myself that enough is enough. It was my very first relationship. I was very heart broken. I told myself that I wanted to be happy, to get rid of the blu...

Tomorrow is Valentine's. I didn't plan, not because i didn't want to plan but because I have been too busy and stressed these days.  I hate big days. Christmas never worked out for me, nor did CNY, my birthdays, mother's day, father's day. Somehow I feel like I am cursed.  There was a year, mother's day. I bought a tub of ice cream (too young, so I asked my dad to bring me to the supermarket to buy it). I kept it at the freezer. I already had a plan. I wanted to 'present' it to my mum that night. But when I went to have my afternoon nap, my mum opened it and ate some of it. To me at that time, the gift wasn't perfect anymore. I was upset and angry and I told my mum that she 'stole' the ice cream because technically it wasn't hers yet. In the end, we were both upset.  My birthday. I have stopped celebrating/stopped hoping that someone would surprise me on my birthday for a very long time. Very frankly, all I would wish for on my...

1) I went shopping yesterday. Bought a pair of Jeans and a t-shirt from Gap. 20% off for purchases of two items or more. I think i have lost patience or rather the passion for shopping for clothes. When I was younger, in primary school, I would lay my t-shirt and my pants on the bed to see if they were matching. I remember one day when my family decided to go to Malacca to shop, I found out that my favourite pair of pants was still in the laundry basket. I was really upset, and I cried. And I started to whine about how pathetic my life was as I did not even have enough pairs of decent pants to wear out too. (I think I behaved like a drama queen back then) Anyway, my parents successfully convinced me to go. And as soon as we got there, the priority was to get me pants. As I grew older, I cared less about the clothes that I put on. I would normally go for the clothes that have just been washed and stuffed back into the wardrobe because they are the most reachable and visible. As a re...

I was actually more than half way through writing a post, more than a week ago, but I couldn't bring myself to complete it. To keep things short, we broke up numerous times, we tried to get back together. This time, things got out of hand. With the help of a friend, we decided to try to stop contacting each other for 4 weeks. I don't want to dedicate this post to explaining how we got to this point. It would be too long, and too unpleasant to write. Instead, I simply need to pen down how I am feeling right now, and with the things that have been happening recently. Health More than 2 months ago, I started feeling slightly bloated on the left side of my abdomen when I lay down on my bed at night. Initially i thought it had to do with my back. So I went to see the chiropractor. I even got myself a new pillow. He said my butt (pelvic bone) was misaligned and he did some adjustments. The adjustments didn't really work, and he told me he actually couldn't figure ou...

Yes, it's been a year, 365 days since I was first put on PEP. I don't think including a hyperlink here is necessary. Most of you would know what happened, as it constituted the majority of posts here. My day was mostly spent on reading journal articles, two of them actually. Very dense articles. I think I will have to spend a lot of time reading them again tomorrow, before I can put those ideas in my own words and fit them into my thesis. Also, was on the phone with Jay just now. He was teaching me how to make spaghetti bolognese. This is unknown to Jay. This space, this event. I texted him this morning that I wanted to tell him more, as he did voice it to me last night that it seemed like he still didn't know enough of me. I asked him to remind me next time he sees me. It's strange that I am okay to share this with people whom I have never even met. But with Jay, after having talked about so much stuff, I still haven't quite told him about my dark past. ...

This post is overdue. So, other than reading and writing, and a bit of working, I think I am also distracted by Jay. So, the other day, he asked if he was a distraction to me. So I replied, 'hmm...you are..more like...an attraction'. I think I said it? He also said that he 'knows', but wanted me to focus on my studies.. So I am assuming he knows. And being a thinker, I can't help but to think about stuff that haven't even happened yet. Like, what if I am really distracted by him? What is he doing now? Will he message me if I don't message him? Will I again fall into the 'trap' of loving someone too deeply. And I am also reminded of this thing that David told me (not sure if it's true though), that we should never love someone too much. If I have 100% of love, then it's probably best to give maybe 50% of that to your bf/partner. By the way, I masturbated just half an hour ago. I found it hard to be focused, and I knowingly allowe...

If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail. AND, be mindful of the moment, where you are at, and what you are doing. There are the two things that I picked up yesterday, during a 'group activity' at the place I live. Like I've said before, I was kinda different compared to how I am now. Especially during Form 4 and Form 5, I was very determined to be the best student. I am constantly making plans to study and I felt good after doing the revisions. Sometimes, my mum would walk past my room and stood just outside the door, quietly observing me studying, and probably feeling proud of how hardworking her son was. Also, be mindful of the present. Think about why am I here (why am I in Australia? Why am i living in this accommodation? How long have I been here? What is the time now? Eh, I am typing out a blog post now...etc) Think about the goals in the short term (complete my degree), in the medium term (where to settle down, what to do...) In 2013 at least, I was...

Naming a blog post can be difficult, especially for a blog like this, where I normally write about daily/trivial/boring stuff. (So you guys have nothing better to do than to read my blog? LOL) It's especially at times like this that I feel like writing. I am feeling kinda lost. I hope by writing i can somehow straighten my thoughts a bit. Woke up. Had breakfast. (Two slices of multigrain with Nutella plus Coffee) Lazed around a bit on the bed, checking phone, FB, instagram, twitter, emails, whatsapp, etc. Washed up. Went to work. At work, did a bit of this and that. Lazed around, bought lunch and ate in the office. Lazed around, finished work. Tried to nap. Ex msged me. Can't sleep. Feeling weird. Feeling disrupted. Had dinner. Didn't feel like studying. Wanted to play Dota, but had internet connection problem. Fixed problem. Insisted on playing at least a game. Feeling guilty. Had shower. Writing this now. And it's 11.20pm already. I did a rough c...

My very first Crocs clogs! Don't judge me.  End of Post.  LOL. So, I got myself my very first pair of Crocs clogs.  Ok, why the need? Because of the suspected case of Athlete's Foot, I want to keep my feet as dry and airy as possible. (Arghh...I hate this AF thing, will have another post about it!)  In order to still look presentable enough on Slippers/Flip Flops/Thongs, I had to shop for something nice and comfortable.  So, I came across this Crocs website. It's got an AU website now, and it provides free delivery for purchases of $50 or more.  I was hesitant about getting myself these 'clogs', so I ended up buying a pair of flip flops from Crocs. I thought, since Crocs' main selling point is comfort, the flip flops it makes shouldn't be too bad after all.  But I was wrong. It cut my feet. You know the inverted 'V' shaped rubber stripes on flip flops? They cut my feet. Not only was it hurting my feet, I was also worrie...

steamed fish with garlic and soy sauce? very tasty! Apple Chicken. Maybe the apple was shredded? I only had the chicken though Finally got the chance to meet up with Hx ever since he got back to Sydney. It was Mardi Gras parade last night, but both of us didn't feel like going to watch the parade. It was rainy, wet and cold in Sydney. So, we decided to meet up anyway for dinner. He brought his bf's sis with him. Ok, I haven't gotten Hx's permission, but i guess he wouldn't know I am writing about him! (so unethical eh!) So, Hx's bf is a Thai. During his recent trip to Thailand, he even visited his bf's parents. And, they were so super open about it. The bf was out to the parents already. But what shocked me was that the parents actually questioned Hx about his role- Top  or Bottom! Anyway, the sis just came to Sydney to study too and so they are living together. I don't know how it works out with the sex part since all three of them ar...

If only I could have less (bad) things to write about. I discovered that the mirror I had brought with me had broken. It had the size of a iPad mini. What I didn't realise until just now was that not only did it leave pieces of broken glasses in my suitcase, it also produced glass shards that were as tiny as powder. These powdery glass shards were not as visible. I shone the torch on my clothes and was shocked with the glitter. I also cut myself when I tried to remove those larger pieces of broken glasses. Is it a bad omen? I don't know but it had definitely given me more work. I am washing those clothes now. Hopefully the powdery glass shards will get rinsed out. If not hopefully the dryer will filter them out when I dry them later. And then, I have got to go through about 20 pieces of these clothing, under the table lamp to kinda make sure that there aren't any left. Otherwise, I will have to dump them away :( Sigh....Sigh...Sigh... Last night, my aunt c...

One thing being a gay and single is that, I tend to screen for prospective Bf, every single day, every single time a man, in the right age range walks past me. (Though the age range criteria has been relaxed most of the time) It wasn't this 'serious' in the past, my brain wasn't working like this... Now, it's getting a bit excessive sometimes. Stealing glances at random guys on the bus, in the park, around the neighbourhood, in the gym...And these glances are getting more and more 'advanced'. I know perfectly, where to scan, the legs, the butts, the triceps, the forearm, etc. I know the timing. I know where to sit on the bus so that I can have an easy access to the view. And most importantly, I acted as if I didn't care, with the cool face, acted as if I'm the least possible person to steal glances at random guys. Am I perverted? weird? desperate? Maybe it's the desperateness. With guys that I haven't met, I find myself having all the...

11.21pm Sydney. 1st Jan 2013.  1st Jan 2014 is gonna end soon. (Notice the typo in the caption? Now I noticed it, but just let it be, it takes time i guess to train my mind to write 2014 not 13.)  StrictlyGay and Ultra Jinoman had each made their summaries of 2013.  For me, as you may already know, it would be quite painful for me to recall the major events. The best thing that happened to me was probably my family's visit to Sydney.  I can still remember how naive and innocent I was back then, in 2010 when I first arrived in Sydney. still very much a Kampong boy. Winter 2010 (June), perhaps still very innocent as a mummy boy or whatever you call it, I went home to spend the semester break. I was excited, I had so much to tell, I blabbered on and on, all the way from KLIA for 3 hours. I told them about the uni, how much better the lecturers here were, how life was different in Sydney, etc.  Fast forward to now, 2014. It's been almost 4 years...

Secret Santa. Christmas gift 2013 to one of my housemates.  Had a test yesterday.  Went to the nearby Myer department store to look for a gift for the Secret Santa event at my accommodation. Budget was $10. Saw a lot of cute little inventions, most of them averaged around $20. Could have gotten something within budget but it wouldn't be as interesting so I decided to get this little duckling infuser. It's sightly over budget ($15) but it's worth the while because I think he likes it! (I think he still doesn't know that it's from me, he's also gay by the way) Gay much?  I got a box of chocolates, an assortment of mini mars bars, milky way, M&Ms, etc. To be honest, I didn't like it! I have been trying to avoid chocolates, so that I don't have to take in unnecessary calories. My chocolate quota is reserved for really down moments, when I really need to up my mood. But I still put up a smile la, my secret santa must be looking at me when I unw...