Naming a blog post can be difficult, especially for a blog like this, where I normally write about daily/trivial/boring stuff. (So you guys have nothing better to do than to read my blog? LOL)
It's especially at times like this that I feel like writing.
I am feeling kinda lost. I hope by writing i can somehow straighten my thoughts a bit.
Woke up.
Had breakfast. (Two slices of multigrain with Nutella plus Coffee)
Lazed around a bit on the bed, checking phone, FB, instagram, twitter, emails, whatsapp, etc.
Washed up.
Went to work.
At work, did a bit of this and that. Lazed around, bought lunch and ate in the office. Lazed around, finished work.
Tried to nap. Ex msged me.
Can't sleep.
Feeling weird.
Feeling disrupted.
Had dinner. Didn't feel like studying.
Wanted to play Dota, but had internet connection problem.
Fixed problem. Insisted on playing at least a game.
Feeling guilty.
Had shower. Writing this now. And it's 11.20pm already.
I did a rough calculation the other day. I am spending at least RM 4500 a month tolive here study here. Yet, I don't think I deserve this kind of lifestyle.
For the past two days, I had been doing pretty well with reading the materials I have to go through for my project. But not today.
Tomorrow at 1pm, I am meeting with my supervisor. I wanted to impress her. I always have some sort of ideal, ambitious goal. But somehow, I will get distracted, mood got affected.
My ex is back in Sydney. I told him I couldn't make it tonight because I had to study. Well, turned out I couldn't study.
With my ex, the feeling is mixed. At night, when I go to sleep, I will still think about him from time to time, quite frequently actually. Think about his smile, his boyishness, and the good things. It's probably a way to calm myself down so that I can fall asleep feeling loved and peaceful.
But at other times, I would be reminded of those bad times with him. I will think about 2013, how stupid the year's been for me, or rather, how stupid i was in 2013.
On one hand, I wanted to hug him and sex with him, on the other hand, probably the more logical side of my mind, I know I probably shouldn't see him again.
It's the similar kind of feeling with Apps. Grindr, JackD, I haven't chatted 'properly' (define properly: nice, long conversation, can be flirty but doesn't have to lead to sex) with anyone for like a few weeks already.
No dates. No sex.
I don't understand why do I still check the app throughout the day. I know I can't go for sex dates, they will kill me. I know 99 percent of them are not looking for chats/friends without benefits.
And I also will not be attracted to people who say they are looking for bf. Because you can't go look for a bf. You are not hunting for a deer for BBQ. Relationships are complicated. You can't just want it. And usually people who have that 'looking for bf' on their profiles are either just looking for sex or they simply don't know and have never experienced love.
Yeah, to sum it up, my love/sex life has been dry to the max. Maybe that's the reason I am feeling disorientated?
KK and Chris invited me to their place for a party this weekend. I already said yes to them. I am trying to 'force' myself to go out more.
I really can't envisage myself having a love affair in the next 2 years at least.
I am simply not ready, mentally, physically.
I don't know how to care how to open my arms and hug someone. For now, I just want to protect myself. I just want to complete my studies, get a nice job, feed myself and my family well. And then I will see.
For now, I don't think I am attractive. From my words, if you are sensitive, you should be able to tell.
I got to satisfy the lower hierarchies (according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) first, before I am ready for something of a higher level like loving someone and achieving self-transcendence.
It's especially at times like this that I feel like writing.
I am feeling kinda lost. I hope by writing i can somehow straighten my thoughts a bit.
Woke up.
Had breakfast. (Two slices of multigrain with Nutella plus Coffee)
Lazed around a bit on the bed, checking phone, FB, instagram, twitter, emails, whatsapp, etc.
Washed up.
Went to work.
At work, did a bit of this and that. Lazed around, bought lunch and ate in the office. Lazed around, finished work.
Tried to nap. Ex msged me.
Can't sleep.
Feeling weird.
Feeling disrupted.
Had dinner. Didn't feel like studying.
Wanted to play Dota, but had internet connection problem.
Fixed problem. Insisted on playing at least a game.
Feeling guilty.
Had shower. Writing this now. And it's 11.20pm already.
I did a rough calculation the other day. I am spending at least RM 4500 a month to
For the past two days, I had been doing pretty well with reading the materials I have to go through for my project. But not today.
Tomorrow at 1pm, I am meeting with my supervisor. I wanted to impress her. I always have some sort of ideal, ambitious goal. But somehow, I will get distracted, mood got affected.
My ex is back in Sydney. I told him I couldn't make it tonight because I had to study. Well, turned out I couldn't study.
With my ex, the feeling is mixed. At night, when I go to sleep, I will still think about him from time to time, quite frequently actually. Think about his smile, his boyishness, and the good things. It's probably a way to calm myself down so that I can fall asleep feeling loved and peaceful.
But at other times, I would be reminded of those bad times with him. I will think about 2013, how stupid the year's been for me, or rather, how stupid i was in 2013.
On one hand, I wanted to hug him and sex with him, on the other hand, probably the more logical side of my mind, I know I probably shouldn't see him again.
It's the similar kind of feeling with Apps. Grindr, JackD, I haven't chatted 'properly' (define properly: nice, long conversation, can be flirty but doesn't have to lead to sex) with anyone for like a few weeks already.
No dates. No sex.
I don't understand why do I still check the app throughout the day. I know I can't go for sex dates, they will kill me. I know 99 percent of them are not looking for chats/friends without benefits.
And I also will not be attracted to people who say they are looking for bf. Because you can't go look for a bf. You are not hunting for a deer for BBQ. Relationships are complicated. You can't just want it. And usually people who have that 'looking for bf' on their profiles are either just looking for sex or they simply don't know and have never experienced love.
Yeah, to sum it up, my love/sex life has been dry to the max. Maybe that's the reason I am feeling disorientated?
KK and Chris invited me to their place for a party this weekend. I already said yes to them. I am trying to 'force' myself to go out more.
I really can't envisage myself having a love affair in the next 2 years at least.
I am simply not ready, mentally, physically.
I don't know how to care how to open my arms and hug someone. For now, I just want to protect myself. I just want to complete my studies, get a nice job, feed myself and my family well. And then I will see.
For now, I don't think I am attractive. From my words, if you are sensitive, you should be able to tell.
I got to satisfy the lower hierarchies (according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) first, before I am ready for something of a higher level like loving someone and achieving self-transcendence.
Just let it flow. If it happens, it happens. U will never be ready for love. U just learn to adapt and accept it along the way
ReplyDeletetrue la...can only let it be and see how things unfold naturally.
DeleteI have the same problem! Which is why I started numbering the posts.
ReplyDeleteYou'll fall in love when you least expect it! Focus on the other aspects of life for now so that when you do find that someone special, everything else is in order :D