The Untold Stories

It's my first time participating in a 'media action'. Can't disclose too much here, but we were surrounded by reporters and cameras. Not sure if we made it to the TV news though. Two days ago, David called me and asked if I would be interested to help out. My job was simple. I didn't have to speak out. I only had to hold a placard that said '[location] cares about affordable transport'. So there were about 20 of us, each holding a placard to represent different areas across NSW. The whole thing only lasted for about 20 minutes. It was a fun experience though. After the event, I lied  that I wanted to walk around the city. I actually made an appointment for a body check today. It's been more than 3 months since the exposure. And the last test was done after 9 weeks. I want to be hundred percent certain, and I want to put this behind and move forward, without having to associate random symptoms i have with the exposure. I went to a private practi...

If only I could have less (bad) things to write about. I discovered that the mirror I had brought with me had broken. It had the size of a iPad mini. What I didn't realise until just now was that not only did it leave pieces of broken glasses in my suitcase, it also produced glass shards that were as tiny as powder. These powdery glass shards were not as visible. I shone the torch on my clothes and was shocked with the glitter. I also cut myself when I tried to remove those larger pieces of broken glasses. Is it a bad omen? I don't know but it had definitely given me more work. I am washing those clothes now. Hopefully the powdery glass shards will get rinsed out. If not hopefully the dryer will filter them out when I dry them later. And then, I have got to go through about 20 pieces of these clothing, under the table lamp to kinda make sure that there aren't any left. Otherwise, I will have to dump them away :( Sigh....Sigh...Sigh... Last night, my aunt c...

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know...well now they know....Let it go...Let it go...Can't hold it back anymore...I don't care....what they are going to say.... Just noticed that I haven't written anything for more than a week! Feeling pretty sleepy now but hopefully I am still able to write down the happenings for the past week Went out with a few housemates to watch the Disney movie, Frozen today. It's the first day this movie is shown in Australia. Heard about it from a blogger few weeks ago and that it was good. I didn't grow up with Disney hence I am pretty dumb with the Disney stories. And I wasn't really into watching cartoons. For me, going to the cinema for a cartoon was pretty much a waste of money. But, Frozen was so so so awesome! I was deeply touched, by the singing, the lyrics, the graphics and most important of all, the story itself. As a gay, a closeted one, a gay that loves his family, a gay that is confused, a gay that ...

On Friday, after finishing earlier at work and failing to really have a nap, I was on my way to meet Ben.  The plan was to have a bit of chat at a cafe before attending Acceptance Sydney's mass at 8pm.  Took a cab as I was running late, as always. Ben and his partner were there waiting for me.  There was a night when I finally gathered the courage to tell Ben about the problems that I am facing. We were talking on the phone, but I think I did tell him all the essentials.  That night, he didn't tell me exactly what to do or what not to do. He said I should remember one thing, to learn to love myself so that I know how to love my neighbors, because the Bible says love your neighbors like how you love yourself.  Again this time, I don't think I am getting 'the answer'. Perhaps there is no answer? I don't know. I guess I am probably being lazy? Waiting for someone to tell me exactly what to do?  So they asked me quite a few questions. For...

We sang 'In Christ Alone' this evening at church. It's one of my favorite songs in the church and I was trying so hard to hold back my tears.  My eyes were already filled my tears just that I was able to somehow not let them fall. I wonder if anyone noticed it.  No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand. Yes, I am being quite emo today. And the gloomy and wet weather in Sydney just made it worse.  I couldn't really concentrate on listening to what the Rev was preaching. My mind was away.  For a moment, I hated God. I am confused. I don't know where I belong and what I ought to do. I don't know my destiny.  Hang on, in case you think I am a holy person, I dun think I am! Do you know what I have...

Have been waking up really late for the last few days or few weeks probably?  Same thing: always hard to fall asleep, getting up to pee once or twice and going back to sleep.  Was planning to go to Newcastle, a city north of Sydney today to visit a new friend but as I was still feeling tired and heavy headed I called it off.  Went to the city for lunch. Didn't know where to eat. Maybe I wasn't in the mood, just so much in my head.  Ended up having hainanese chicken rice at an 'okay' place, nothing exciting.  Took a short stroll before heading home.  Again, I was reminded about things we did and places we went.    This is the Sydney town hall building, from the side. You won't miss this building because no matter where u go , it seems like u will pass by this place. And tell you what, I have been walking for past this place for more than two years and didn't know it's the town hall.  I can be that ignorant.  Across the town hall building ...

There is just so much to write about..I don't know where to start. On Thursday, I woke up with a slight feeling of headache. I actually made plan to visit a chinese doctor on Thursday so I wasn't that worried because the doctor would have more obvious symptoms to make a diagnosis. Went to see a different doctor this time. The previous doctor at Tong Ren Tang was ok but I didn't want to spend so much on acupuncture and I wanted a second opinion. The doctor this time wasn't that good at communicating. He wasn't able to give me a precise answer. He only said it's a bit of 'heatiness' and that's it. Prescribed me some chinese herbs and I had the shop to boil for me. I can still feel a bit of headache now though it's better than Thursdsay. I can still feel the low grade fever. Eyes are not that dry though compared to few days ago. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me! I am so tired yet so stressed. I feel like I want to shou...

Feeling pretty tired at the moment, but will try to write about what I did today (technically yesterday, Monday). Went to see my counselor this afternoon. I told her about the sauna, the sex that took place a few days ago. I found it harder to speak to her this time, because I felt disgusted about myself. It's similar to how I felt when I confessed to God. Just imagine, you promised someone and yourself that you wouldn't commit the same thing again, but then you failed. You asked for their forgiveness, you found an excuse for yourself that you were weak and vulnerable. And you repeated the same thing, over and over again. It is disgusting. I'm feeling shitty about myself. She pointed out that I kept describing myself as a slut, as a sinner, as being promiscuous. She said she didn't see me this way. She said she couldn't understand, why then did I do it again, if I said I hate to do it. It didn't make sense to her. It didn't make sense to me either. I d...

Peace, and Love are things that we easily take for granted. In the past 2 months especially, I have been struggling to get peace and to feel loved. I've always failed to realised the importance of Peace and Love until I lost them. I hope I have learned something. I hope I will be able to not take things for granted, but I know it's always easier said than done. I phoned to the Sexual Health clinic this afternoon, and I was given a negative test result. Thank God. Before the test, I kept telling myself, if the 4th week post-pep test is negative, I should most likely be ok because I've had tests at 1,2,3,4 wk post-pep and the tests detect both antigens and antibodies. If PEP failed, the virus should be replicating and the tests should be able to detect the antigen component at least, even if not enough antibodies were produced. However, now having the 4th week test result, I am still not relieved. I've been thinking about various possible reasons that could cause a fa...

Just sharing a few interesting passages from the book I am reading. [Being Gay, Being Christian: You Can Be Both by Stuart Edser] Likening the life of a gay to the life of an undercover 'Perhaps an example might help. Think of those police officers who go undercover to join crime gangs or the underworld. They have to immerse themselves fully in the harsh realities of the criminal culture, with all its cruelty, greed, deceit and barbarism. They are forced to act and behave in every way contrary to their own nature, their own sense of morality. They must adopt the criminals culture's ways of living, talking, laughing, loving, eating, drinking, driving, playing, dressing. It is nothing short of total immersion and they must act this way 24 hours a day lest they be discovered'.  It is immensely painful to lead a life like this (and We know it) 'After their undercover work is complete, it is not uncommon for them to end up in a psychologist's consulting rooms for...

Don't know what to write, as I don't know what I'm currently thinking and What I should be thinking. Health Tested negative last Tuesday, which was about a week post PEP. My next test is scheduled on Tuesday. Still not feeling very well, sweaty palms, anxiety, lymph nodes on neck still swollen, still having mild sore throat. Went to see a Chinese doctor last week, got some herbs to drink. I know I wouldn't be able to relax my mind fully until at least 4 weeks post PEP. Trying hard to cheer myself up. But don't really feel like going to friends. I have a feeling that I am burdening them with my negative emotions. Relationship Jeff, the Chinese guy that I dated, came again on Friday night. I had a feeling that he might be a boring person like me as he didn't have plans, didn't know where to bring me and we ended up having tea and chit chat at the same restaurant. Did something stupid. I created a Jack'D account on my old phone, pretending to ...

I will have my first follow-up test tomorrow morning. This morning after I woke up, I did my routine which is to see if I've got any 'symptoms'. I panicked a bit again this morning because i could see some faint red patches on my body. Even until now, I don't know if these are how my skin looks normally, possibly because of uneven skin tone or are they rashes. I am scared, but I am tired. And I hate myself. Why did I go to the sauna that night? Why did I have to be so slutty? I don't know what will happen in the next few days and the next few weeks. I hope the medication works, I hope I wasn't infected. I hope the 'signs' I am experiencing are unrelated. I hope... Speaking of transgressions, as a Christian gay. He asked if we could meet up tonight, and I was more than happy to say yes. Partly because I wanted my night to be filled up, I didn't want to be alone tonight. And partly because I am interested in him. We had dinner at a restaurant...

So, it was my birthday last Monday. Probably because of my family's thinking, birthdays are not usually celebrated in a big way. I've gotten used to not receiving any presents, surprises, or even cakes. And I have always told myself not to expect birthdays to be the best day of a year, because if something does not go according to your way, you will be twice as sad or disappointed. As I am living in a hostel, and it's very much like a family here, the residents have in the past always made birthday cards for others on their birthdays. I got a big card on Monday when I got home from uni, and I felt happy that they remembered my birthday and spent time making me a card. But even if they didn't, it's no biggie. On Tuesday night, David drove me to Robyn and Andrew's house for a dinner. Robyn and Andrew are a married couple from our church, and most importantly they are like the most supportive ones in the church with homosexual rights. They have no problems with...