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Gloomy day

We sang 'In Christ Alone' this evening at church. It's one of my favorite songs in the church and I was trying so hard to hold back my tears. 

My eyes were already filled my tears just that I was able to somehow not let them fall. I wonder if anyone noticed it. 


No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Yes, I am being quite emo today. And the gloomy and wet weather in Sydney just made it worse. 

I couldn't really concentrate on listening to what the Rev was preaching. My mind was away. 

For a moment, I hated God. I am confused. I don't know where I belong and what I ought to do. I don't know my destiny. 

Hang on, in case you think I am a holy person, I dun think I am! Do you know what I have been doing the whole day today? 

I have been looking at guys on Jack'D, sending them messages, waiting for replies. Was I lonely? or was I horny again? 

Perhaps I am having an identity crisis here. 

I don't think i can be that great, that holy. But I tried being a slut, and I don't feel comfortable being one. 

It really struck me. I blogged about my encounter last night but I forgot to mention this thing. When I was leaving the room, a man said 'Slut!' to me. I was a bit shocked but I just quickly left. I didn't get to see his face and I didn't quite understand what's his purpose of saying that. But it really struck me. Right after I had sex with a random guy. 

I am pretty sure that I am sinking into depression, anxiety and worries again. It's better this time that we used condoms. 

But thoughts about him possibly being hiv positive, and his precum in my mouth, or on my butt hole, possible sore in my mouth, etc. made me really tired. 

I talked to a friend (thanks for listening) last night, after it happened. I would have felt a lot worse if we didn't have the chat. 

I really feel like talking to more people about my feelings. But the reality is, i don't think this is doing any good to my friends and I feel like I am channeling negative energy towards them. But I don't know what I can do. I feel the need to talk, to someone who would understand what I am going through. 

I prayed last night, for forgiveness, for doing that, for putting myself at risk. I don't have the courage or face to promise God for anything anymore. I feel like I am a 'fallen angel', by letting my desires control me. 

But when I look at what other gay men are doing. They are either so successful at building their bodies, or have great sex daily, or have loving relationships with partners. 

I can't feel horny and look up someone and say let's start a relationship so that I can have a regular, reliable fuck buddy. 

I can't really enjoy random hook-ups. 

What's wrong with me! 

And then thoughts about my family came up. How will they feel if they ever found out about me doing all these things. How will they feel if I got into serious deep shit?! 

I am so fucked up. 

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Comments

  1. - a L E x -November 11, 2013 at 12:50 AM

    Honey! You're so over thinking it again...

    If you're really so worried about your previous sex encounter, go get tested again to put yourself at ease (but don't over do it, lol) . And you shouldn't let that random dude get to you, cos' he's probably much sluttier than you for being there as well. He'd most probably be a regular as well?

    Once again, don't compare yourself with others. Focus on yourself instead of what others think about you. Love yourself more, always remember that. The grass may always seem greener on the other side, but heck! Make your side greener and colorful with flowers :)

    If you're not out to your parents yet, don't put so much thoughts into what they'd think about what you're doing right now. Face it only when the time comes. Been there done that and everything's good for me now :).

    As they all say, it'll get better :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. tulsNovember 11, 2013 at 8:27 AM

    it takes one to know one, he is a worse slut than you are.. lol.. most probably he is just jealous that you fuck that hookup guy cos he didn't get the chance or something..

    you can't really go into all these deep thoughts and worries every time after having sex, because you can't not have sex, unless you are able to abstain from it, no point, cos the cycle will just repeat itself..

    the thing is, maybe you haven't found the right person, you just need a boyfriend that could be there for you and have monogamous sex all you want.. so, until then, just go out and date, don't have sex for now!! and depends on how long you are gonna be in sydney too, cos no point having a bf there and then ldr after that or shit.. haha.. unless you wanna be like me and suffer...

    anyways, see you around silly boy...

    and Alex, i miss you a lot!

    ReplyDelete
  3. EdwinNovember 11, 2013 at 11:47 AM

    Hi Bryan,

    Please do yourself a favor and find a gay inclusive church. They do exist. This conflict and suffering is not required. God loves you. You just need to find a community that gets it.

    Best wishes, Edwin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. untold stories November 11, 2013 at 12:47 PM

      Hi Edwin, I'm actually already in a gay inclusive/supportive church. The thing is I what I did is not acceptable la coz it's done because i was horny and it was just sex, no commitment no relationship. It's not like i don't want to have someone to love and care for but it's so hard to find someone that is willing to date me, especially if i make it clear that I am not up for fun/one night stand.

      Delete
  4. EdwinNovember 11, 2013 at 1:40 PM

    Hi Bryan,

    I understand that you find your behavior unacceptable since it is not what you want. Have you tried to make friends within the church? There are probably guys who want the same in the pews next to you, but are too shy to speak. Do they have social opportunities to meet others? Meeting and getting to know others is good even if they are not a fit (not your type, already taken, straight, female) since you never know who they know (that little old granny might have the perfect gay grandson for you ;-) Who in your church even knows that you are gay and available for the right someone? Being a little outgoing, honest and taking the risk is worth the effort. What do you want and how can you go about getting it? Who can you recruit to be friends and allies? Very important life skills.

    If you are having a crisis of faith, maybe you should talk with your Reverend. They should want to help (not a dating service, but you are not the first and won't be the last to struggle).

    I wish you the best in your search. Edwin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. untold stories November 11, 2013 at 11:55 PM

      Thanks Edwin, will try but it's kinda hard to explain in detail here.

      Delete

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