Clearing the desk

So this is my desk. 

I finally had the courage today to clear away the clutter on my desk. Not only my desk actually, I've also thrown out 3 garbage bags full of stuff. 

This is the before and after look. 

Yes, it took courage. For the last 6 months or so or probably longer, I was just too tired emotionally to re-organize my life, my desk, my everything. 

See the piles of notes, journal articles and books there? I wasn't reading them. I put my studies on hold. But I just didn't have the courage to put them away. 

As I was tidying the desk/room this afternoon, I was reminded a lot about my ex. Old stuff resurfaced. 

There are the backpack he bought me, the wax seal, the lego I made, the box for the lego I bought him, the pair of remote controlled helicopters we own, the drawing book he gave me, etc.... He was also the one who changed the configuration of my room (how my bed and desk are placed now). 

There are just so much memory in this room. I've actually been living here, in the same room, since I came to Sydney 

The weather is still wet and cold in Sydney today. I just couldn't help but to feel emo. 

Thanks for the skype call, thanks for the comments, the emails, and messages. Thanks for putting up with my uselessness. 

I just had a long skype session with mum and then dad joined in. Just talked about random stuff, like what's happening in the extended family, holiday plans, etc. 

Then my mum asked me about my ex, Andy. 'So have you been keeping in touch with Andy?' 'Did he contact you?' 'How did you meet him in the first place?'

I lied about how i met him. I lied to them that we are still keeping in touch just not that frequent. 

I hope they actually suspect that he isn't just a friend. I wish I could tell them that Andy was my bf when he came to our house at the beginning of the year. 

Mum and Dad, do you know how much I wish I was born normal. Do you know how painful it is for me this year especially? Do you know that I may get into some serious deep shit? 

I told mum about how unexpected life can be. I told her that it's not as straightforward sometimes. I even told him about the story of the blogger Eric who is suffering from cancer for years. 

I deleted Jack'D, Grindr, etc. from my phone today. I was feeling tired. I don't want to hope that someone nice would appear from there anymore. I don't want the addiction to continue.