The Untold Stories

So last weekend, I met up with someone from Jack'd. I think at this stage of my life I'm quite willing to meet anyone who is decent and knows how to maintain a good conversation. Anyone who is not only interested in asking where I'm from, how long I have been in Australia, and whether I'm top or bottom, sex, etc. This guy turned out to be a good 'conversationalist'. It was like ping pong. We kept talking and talking and talking. Since people say it takes two hands to clap, I guess I was doing quite well in talking too? Like Jay, he likes to travel, to not so safe countries, and no fancy hotels. Reminded me of Jay. It also reminded me of my first meeting with Jay. We talked for hours, from a dinner place to a dessert place. And until today, every time I passed by the dessert place, I would be glad that the place was still there, but at the same time I wouldn't want to go in. Strange. I can't find sparks anymore with any of these guys I have met. N...

It's been slightly more than a month since my last update. Some told me that they were confused by the previous post, I agreed, because the way it was written wouldn't really make too much sense to anyone else except myself. Well, to cut a long story short, the bottom line is, I simply couldn't let go of Jay. Call me names, but that's the truth. It's been...almost 8 months now. Wow, that's actually a pretty long time isn't it. People told me moving on, forgetting someone takes time. People told me i would forget once I meet someone new. Time- ticked. New people- ticked. Still, my heart is totally his. My persistence of contacting him had annoyed him and about a month ago, he asked me not to contact him until the 11th of Feb (yesterday) and that he would contact me. It's quite a long month to endure. But fortunately, my new job started on the 30th of Jan and did help me to pass time quicker. Since I came back from my Bangkok/Malaysia tri...

Feeling stupid, feeling defeated, feeling like a loser...but if get to choose again, I would still do what I did, I would still have contacted you to warn you, even if I knew you would dismiss what I had to say as me being crazy or overly sensitive. Because I can't afford to see you hurt. And so I couldn't help thinking about the worst case and to warn you about it. My best friend and you and me. Just the thought of us getting manipulated in any way. I should have trusted my best friend but when it involves you I just can't. Yes I just can't!. Even if is at the expense of my friendship. I lied to you (or even to myself) that I could move on and that I had moved on. I know that one text or one call to you now is one text or one call less in the future. There is some sort of a quota. You said you had moved on months ago. You said you had nothing else to say to me. But why did you also said that 'you were not ready' to talk? Why did you get so inflamed ev...

There's so much emotion inside me right now that I don't even know where to begin nor how to describe how I am feeling. I think my insides are shaking. It all started at 6.30pm tonight, as I arrived at the venue for the asian gay men event. I did try to prepare myself for it. 'It' being what if I bump into Jay there? I have shared with people around me about this asian gay men event. I simply thought it was a healthier and a more meaningful alternative to Jack'D/Grindr for gay men to mingle. I came to know about the event, and attended my first one three years ago. I told my first about it, and even until today i still encouraged him to go. I told Jay about it, when we were deep in the relationship. But now, I am regretting it. It is my  safe-place to go to. It was me  who told you about it. Those people there, they should me my friends. But now, you just appeared and fuck everything. When I saw Jay there at the entrance, he saw me too, and during that spl...

It sucks. For the past few nights I have been trying to cry to make myself feel better. But no matter how hard I have tried there's still no tears.  I looked at the oldest photos I have on my iphone, those taken within the last two years. I have changed. The relationship had changed too. I have aged. My face was slimmer, I looked younger and more cheerful, or cuter. We used to take lots of 'sweet' photos together. Random photos u took of me. Naked,half naked. We would dine out together more on Friday nights. And we would take photos of the food AND of us, but then gradually, only photos of the food.  I failed to cry maybe because I am afraid of being the 'stupid' one. "What if, actually you never quite liked/loved me?" "What if u thought I was ugly with my acnes?" "What if I was really standing in your way in the last few months, disturbing you when u perhaps had moved on and was dating someone when I kept texting you?" Or w...

Some recent highlights: I quit PhD! (Yes, no kidding.) and I got my first ever full-time job. My iPhone 7 128gb black which just arrived today, on which I'm typing. Well, I've been away from the blog world for a very long time. Haven't been following what people have written, haven't posted anything myself. After 18 months into the program, I quit. Long story, but everything unfolded a lot quicker than I had imagined. Initially, I merely wanted to change my primary supervisor, and on the surface everyone including her was encouraging and fine. And I got an initial yes from a world renowned professor who recently joined the faculty to become my new primary supervisor. But someone must have erected some roadblocks and then I was left in a limbo, with no ideal candidate as my supervisor. It's complicated and I don't think it's necessary to write down the sequence of events here. Anyway, I came across a job advertisement and upon seeing it, (on hindsight...

I have a draft saved, but I have decided to start all over again with this post now. I have moved to a new place. A suburb in Sydney's west. There are many Koreans here. Tonight will be my 6th night here in my new room. In the draft, I was writing about how  I moved in detail. On second thoughts, however, I think what's important or worth noting or remembering is the 'bigger picture'. I moved, over three days, with Jay's help. Yes. It's the same Jay. The one that I recently wrote about. The one that broke my heart. The one that I broke up with. It's somewhat ironic, because I was determined not to let him know that I was going to move. The day (or two days) after  that night , we talked over the phone. I was able to speak calmly. I was able to tell him properly about my feelings, my feelings about him, about this relationship, and why I was feeling the way I did, and why I  decided that I was single . Honestly I cannot remember exactly what we talk...

Right now, I am falling to pieces.  Everything. Every single thing in my life seems to have fallen apart.  Jay called me and asked for 30 mins of my time tonight. He drove over. I went downstairs and we talked in the car.  To be honest, I wasn't expecting him to be blaming himself for everything, say sorry, and ask for my forgiveness. That would be too ideal.  Actually I didn't even know what to hope for when he called me. I proclaimed yesterday that I am single again. I have plenty of reasons to leave him for good. In fact, I have too many.  I guessed when he called me asking to come over tonight, I was hoping for some peaceful closure.  I tried very hard to keep the emotions inside. I tried to act cool. Showing contempt even. Acted as if I didn't really need the apology he offered. Acted as if I had achieved self-actualisation and 'love' was something I didn't care about.  He started off by apologising for the pain that he ...

Well, the title pretty much sums things up. Struggled to get out of bed as sleep again was poor. Told myself that "today will be better", "be confident", "be optimistic", etc. Study/work Got an email from the co-supervisor telling me that I do have some options with my enrolment. Spent some time sending an email to the admin centre, showered, and got ready to go out. Had lunch at my usual place. Believe it or not, I have been eating fried mee hoon + iced teh tarik for the last month or so, almost every single day, for lunch, even on weekends. I struggled to finish my plate of fried mee hoon.  I felt guilty not appreciating it as much as I could, but I simply didn't quite have the appetite. My mind was half frozen as sleep was bad. Got to uni, printed something to read, read the first two pages, and decided that I really couldn't do it. My mind was not digesting those words. Got a call from the admin centre and basically have the followi...

Talked to my supervisors today, and I think it went well. I watched two random TED videos tonight about 'love', and the videos defined 'love' in more or less the same way. You can say I love to eat cheese, and I love my boyfriend. What's the difference? The cheese is not going to love you back! It also doesn't bother the cheese whether you like it or not! But when it comes to love, real love,  it is the desire to be desired. We hope the person we love would also love us back . But I am doubting.

It's almost 2 a.m. now but I couldn't fall asleep. There many things on my mind right now. I was watching a TED video on pursuing your passion, doing what you could not Not do for you life, to hopefully prep my mind a little for my meeting with my supervisors tomorrow.. I am also thinking about my relationship, one that is fraught with many many issues. One of the underlying issues I believe, is that he doesn't see/treat me as someone on the same team.  There are quite a few examples that I can think of. We are both into collecting frequent flyer points. We would share news about credit card sign up bonuses, best ways to maximise earning rates, etc. What I'd 'planned', or imagined was that one day, both of us, could fly in the business/first class together on a long haul, international flight. The image of us sitting next to each other, drinking and eating pretentious things like caviar, had been playing in my mind constantly since I got into this freq...

As I was scrolling down the list of old posts, I found  A Little Summary  of my life that I had written about 18 months ago. I want to do another 'little summary' now. I am almost a year into my PhD. When the last 'little summary' was written, I had just completed the Honours year. Honours was really hard, even on hindsight. I don't have much memory of it, probably because I was traumatised. Instead of spending one year/2 semesters (8-9 months actually), I took a break after the first semester. If you have been following my blog, you would know why. It was the darkest period of my life. I had just gotten my permanent residency at that time. I was beginning to make up my mind to remain and settle down here. I had also just broken up. Like finally, officially, effectively broken up. I had finally convinced myself that enough is enough. It was my very first relationship. I was very heart broken. I told myself that I wanted to be happy, to get rid of the blu...

Tomorrow is Valentine's. I didn't plan, not because i didn't want to plan but because I have been too busy and stressed these days.  I hate big days. Christmas never worked out for me, nor did CNY, my birthdays, mother's day, father's day. Somehow I feel like I am cursed.  There was a year, mother's day. I bought a tub of ice cream (too young, so I asked my dad to bring me to the supermarket to buy it). I kept it at the freezer. I already had a plan. I wanted to 'present' it to my mum that night. But when I went to have my afternoon nap, my mum opened it and ate some of it. To me at that time, the gift wasn't perfect anymore. I was upset and angry and I told my mum that she 'stole' the ice cream because technically it wasn't hers yet. In the end, we were both upset.  My birthday. I have stopped celebrating/stopped hoping that someone would surprise me on my birthday for a very long time. Very frankly, all I would wish for on my...

Finally, the day had arrived. I got an email from Jay at 12.03am. I was thinking of emailing him earlier last night to 'remind' him of his promise to get in touch. I was glad that he got in touch with me as soon as the clock struck 12am. He decided the time while I picked the place. We met at 2pm at a nearby cafe. I got a text from him saying that he already had lunch and that he was parking his car. He asked me to go ahead and have lunch first. Food wasn't the priority today. To me, food only served the purpose of providing us a place to sit and talk. It was the first time he saw me with my expensive sunglasses. No compliments, unfortunately. I was trying really hard to suppress my feelings. Excited, happy, nervous, etc. I was determined to not let them show. So I had to put on a serious and cool face all the time. It felt a bit awkward to talk. And I wasn't quite sure what were the right things to say. I didn't want to talk about 'sensitive' th...

Tomorrow is the day. I am sure he won't forget about his promise to contact me. Is he going to email me? call me? or arrange for a meet up? Or is he going to just text me and say, actually there is nothing more that he wants to say and that's it.

This is just another lonely night. Perhaps this is what my body is telling me to be. There are people that I could (re)connect with, technically. Like the ex-housemates, like the (ex)friends from uni, like some of you that I have made personal contact with, etc. But I don't feel like meeting people, or even talking to people. I am on Jack'D and I don't feel like even replying to msgs. Sometimes I even forgot I have Jack'D. When I was with my First, he liked to rent DVDs from those kiosks/vending machines sometimes but I liked going to the cinemas instead. I had never thought about renting DVDs until last weekend. My internet quota was almost reached, and I had nothing better to do. And so, in an effort to up my own mood a little, I decided to give it a try. I rented <<Kingsman the Secret Service>> and was surprised that it was on special, only costed me $1. The next day I watched <<Avengers...Ultron>>, costed me $2. Kingsman was more my thi...

I was actually more than half way through writing a post, more than a week ago, but I couldn't bring myself to complete it. To keep things short, we broke up numerous times, we tried to get back together. This time, things got out of hand. With the help of a friend, we decided to try to stop contacting each other for 4 weeks. I don't want to dedicate this post to explaining how we got to this point. It would be too long, and too unpleasant to write. Instead, I simply need to pen down how I am feeling right now, and with the things that have been happening recently. Health More than 2 months ago, I started feeling slightly bloated on the left side of my abdomen when I lay down on my bed at night. Initially i thought it had to do with my back. So I went to see the chiropractor. I even got myself a new pillow. He said my butt (pelvic bone) was misaligned and he did some adjustments. The adjustments didn't really work, and he told me he actually couldn't figure ou...

Feeling super sleepy now but I just want to write this down. Finally completed the 2-day workshop on NVIVO today. The workshops started at 9am so I had to wake up at 7.50, hence the lack the sleep. These days I normally wake up at around 8.30 or 9. ..................... Last night I had a dream. I think the person I saw and I spent time with was my prince charming. As far as I can remember, the setting was chaotic. There was a war, and the American soldiers were using sledgehammers to hit and kill the Korean/Chinese soldiers. (Why sledgehammers? I don't know. But it was brutal). And then he was shielding me, telling me where to hide and reminding me to duck my head. We were spectating the war, maybe we were the commoners. I felt like it was an adventure, an exciting one with him. We must have been very close otherwise he wouldn't have been so protective of me. And then I could remember a scene where we were topless. We were facing each other and had our arms wrapped a...

Feeling so blue the whole day.  I guess as I'm a 'new' on the app people are curious and some texted me. I should feel welcomed and maybe 'excited' that I'm still attractive on phone screens. But I didn't really care about those messages. I replied but I don't look forward to meeting or knowing any of them.  Went to swim. Saw a few Korean guys around my age there. They seemed to be having lots of fun swimming together. I was there by myself. I remembered how Jay and I used to go swimming together and how we called people names secretly like titanic 747 a380. And that there was once when we couldn't hold it anymore under water and had to stop to laugh out.  As I was pushing myself hard with my freestyle at the pool, I was thinking maybe I should tell the PT to not help me contact the local gay swim club. They train really hard and I was thinking maybe I am not up to par yet. I was also thinking what Jay would say if we were still together. He's ne...

I was going to title this "I broke up" but then I decided that it was going to be too sad.  So we finally, officially broke up on Saturday. One day before mid autumn festival.  I just took the shirts that he wore to wash. Normally he would wear the clothes again when he came over. That might be the last scent I had of him.  I went to the chiro today to fix my slanted butt, my pelvic bones were misaligned. Got a new pillow from the chiro too.  I reinstalled the apps. I even put my pic on it.  I told my friends (the few gay friends I have here) that I broke up.   I am enjoying the attention I get from the app.  I'm eating mooncakes alone.  I found a personal trainer who swims and went to the gym to have a chat with him. I'm going back to the gym I think.  I haven't started crying yet. I dreamed about him so much. I think I'm doing everything I can to pretend nothing really happened.  Every time we argued I threatened to break up with him. ...