I have a draft saved, but I have decided to start all over again with this post now.
I have moved to a new place. A suburb in Sydney's west. There are many Koreans here.
Tonight will be my 6th night here in my new room.
In the draft, I was writing about how I moved in detail. On second thoughts, however, I think what's important or worth noting or remembering is the 'bigger picture'.
I moved, over three days, with Jay's help. Yes. It's the same Jay. The one that I recently wrote about. The one that broke my heart. The one that I broke up with. It's somewhat ironic, because I was determined not to let him know that I was going to move.
The day (or two days) after that night, we talked over the phone. I was able to speak calmly. I was able to tell him properly about my feelings, my feelings about him, about this relationship, and why I was feeling the way I did, and why I decided that I was single. Honestly I cannot remember exactly what we talked about, but I somehow revealed that I was going to move, and I was trying to find out the best options to handle the move.
He suggested that I paid him instead. I hesitated a bit at first, but eventually I let him help. On hindsight, I think I was in a vulnerable state. I actually really needed help. At that point, I was juggling with several things. I was sorting out my enrolment, I was communicating with my supervisors, getting quotes for removal services, etc.
It required three trips. It was tense during the second trip. Quite simply, I thought he stressed me out. He was bossy, he was a smart ass. He had his "best" ways of doing, organising things. He criticised me for being a slow worker. Etc. He intentionally placed my stuff in his sedan in such a way that I had to sit at the back seat. Throughout the journey, we did not talk. I could see that he was worked up. He only stepped on the brake very close to the red light, etc.
When we arrived, he refused to stop the car in the apartment's car park, wanted to make things hard for me. He even demanded me to get everything out of the car. Five minutes later, he started the car and declared that he was going to send me back to the old place. In short, drama. At least 30 minutes later, we managed to talk things through and together we moved the things into the new place.
Day 3 was somewhat emotional. After I had unloaded all the stuff, it was time for him to go back to his own place. So I sent him down to the car park, me, as a new resident here, sending him, as a guest. As he drove to towards the car park's exit, I waved him goodbye. Well, actually before that, I could tell he was actually looking for ways to linger but there was simply nothing for him to do. And he kept telling me to behave (to clean things after I use them, don't be messy, etc.) like what a parent would say to a child...
He even cooked me food. He said "you are going to have your first meal there, so, to make sure you impress them, I have made you some pasta sauce and curry, so you can just heat it up and eat. If they ask you, say you cook it beforehand. show them you can make something very easy but nice".
On hindsight, I think this was where I got "misled".
We broke up. But he was now treating me nicer than a friend?
On Saturday, he came over. The arrangement was made very "naturally". The language we used. The expectation that we had for each other. We just assumed that we wanted to spend time with each other. We simply asked "oh, so what are you doing today" "oh, you want to come over or you want me to go over" "oh, traffic jam" "I'm here"...
We went to an African festival held by the local council. It was super sunny and hot. There was very little shade. I complained. He asked me to wait him in the shade while he queued up to get the food. Then, I wanted to go to Ikea. Then we went to another suburb for Korean food for dinner. Then we went grocery shopping and bought lots of stuff. We came home, and he cut the watermelon and pineapple and we shared it with the housemates. He lingered a while more to help me decorate the little trays I got from Ikea. It was almost 11pm and he finally had to go. It was a long day for us. I didn't feel like we were just "friends". When we broke up officially that night, and the day before that, I was planning to "exit quietly". I didn't want to keep in touch with him even.
And so, on Sunday, I became super clingy. I texted him, updated him about everything that I was doing. He was busy cooking at home. He thought I needed to the whole day to prep for my teaching this week, so he had already made plans for the whole day. And finally when we talked on the phone last night (Sunday night), things just took a turn. He mentioned about his plans to follow his sister and his sister's bf to New York end of this year. He even talked about his plans to use his frequent flyer points to redeem the tickets. At that instant, I felt like someone just woke me up from my dream.
I wasn't part of his plans. There wasn't me in the picture.
I have moved to a new place. A suburb in Sydney's west. There are many Koreans here.
Tonight will be my 6th night here in my new room.
In the draft, I was writing about how I moved in detail. On second thoughts, however, I think what's important or worth noting or remembering is the 'bigger picture'.
I moved, over three days, with Jay's help. Yes. It's the same Jay. The one that I recently wrote about. The one that broke my heart. The one that I broke up with. It's somewhat ironic, because I was determined not to let him know that I was going to move.
The day (or two days) after that night, we talked over the phone. I was able to speak calmly. I was able to tell him properly about my feelings, my feelings about him, about this relationship, and why I was feeling the way I did, and why I decided that I was single. Honestly I cannot remember exactly what we talked about, but I somehow revealed that I was going to move, and I was trying to find out the best options to handle the move.
He suggested that I paid him instead. I hesitated a bit at first, but eventually I let him help. On hindsight, I think I was in a vulnerable state. I actually really needed help. At that point, I was juggling with several things. I was sorting out my enrolment, I was communicating with my supervisors, getting quotes for removal services, etc.
It required three trips. It was tense during the second trip. Quite simply, I thought he stressed me out. He was bossy, he was a smart ass. He had his "best" ways of doing, organising things. He criticised me for being a slow worker. Etc. He intentionally placed my stuff in his sedan in such a way that I had to sit at the back seat. Throughout the journey, we did not talk. I could see that he was worked up. He only stepped on the brake very close to the red light, etc.
When we arrived, he refused to stop the car in the apartment's car park, wanted to make things hard for me. He even demanded me to get everything out of the car. Five minutes later, he started the car and declared that he was going to send me back to the old place. In short, drama. At least 30 minutes later, we managed to talk things through and together we moved the things into the new place.
Day 3 was somewhat emotional. After I had unloaded all the stuff, it was time for him to go back to his own place. So I sent him down to the car park, me, as a new resident here, sending him, as a guest. As he drove to towards the car park's exit, I waved him goodbye. Well, actually before that, I could tell he was actually looking for ways to linger but there was simply nothing for him to do. And he kept telling me to behave (to clean things after I use them, don't be messy, etc.) like what a parent would say to a child...
He even cooked me food. He said "you are going to have your first meal there, so, to make sure you impress them, I have made you some pasta sauce and curry, so you can just heat it up and eat. If they ask you, say you cook it beforehand. show them you can make something very easy but nice".
On hindsight, I think this was where I got "misled".
We broke up. But he was now treating me nicer than a friend?
On Saturday, he came over. The arrangement was made very "naturally". The language we used. The expectation that we had for each other. We just assumed that we wanted to spend time with each other. We simply asked "oh, so what are you doing today" "oh, you want to come over or you want me to go over" "oh, traffic jam" "I'm here"...
We went to an African festival held by the local council. It was super sunny and hot. There was very little shade. I complained. He asked me to wait him in the shade while he queued up to get the food. Then, I wanted to go to Ikea. Then we went to another suburb for Korean food for dinner. Then we went grocery shopping and bought lots of stuff. We came home, and he cut the watermelon and pineapple and we shared it with the housemates. He lingered a while more to help me decorate the little trays I got from Ikea. It was almost 11pm and he finally had to go. It was a long day for us. I didn't feel like we were just "friends". When we broke up officially that night, and the day before that, I was planning to "exit quietly". I didn't want to keep in touch with him even.
And so, on Sunday, I became super clingy. I texted him, updated him about everything that I was doing. He was busy cooking at home. He thought I needed to the whole day to prep for my teaching this week, so he had already made plans for the whole day. And finally when we talked on the phone last night (Sunday night), things just took a turn. He mentioned about his plans to follow his sister and his sister's bf to New York end of this year. He even talked about his plans to use his frequent flyer points to redeem the tickets. At that instant, I felt like someone just woke me up from my dream.
I wasn't part of his plans. There wasn't me in the picture.
Don't lose your focus.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a while since this post. Hope you're feeling better now (:
ReplyDelete