Skip to main content

My Progress So Far

In my previous post, I made a list of the things that I wanted to do, in order for me to start thinking and feeling positively.

I have moved into this brand new studio apartment. I have also been cooking up a storm. I could now simply heat up my food when I get home from work, without having to rely on expensive take-away meals.

However, I haven't been able to tick off items 3-5 yet. The apartment could be tidier. I have no one to invite over for meals. And lastly, item number 5, I don't think it will ever happen.

Couple of weeks ago, after moving in, I texted Jay. I asked if it was possible to have a conversation. I told him I wasn't being emotional, I simply wanted to talk.

He declined. And my last text to him was: "I have given you 10 months".

Recently, on Facebook, I discovered videos made by a lady called Xandra Ooi which I found highly helpful and inspirational. She would end each video with ".... be happy, always".

Her ideas made total sense to me, but practising them is not easy.

I acknowledged that my happiness should not depend on someone other than myself. I kept reminding myself that I should not expect anyone, especially Jay, to make me happy or to pull me out  from my sorrow.

I realised that it has to be me, myself to accomplish this, to be happy.

I told myself that it is all about how I perceive, how I think.

My mind and heart should be strong. I need to be brave enough to let go...

I should not see myself as a 'victim', instead, I should always remind myself how abundant my life is, how blessed I already am.

I think I have made some progress.

But at the same time, it seems that I have underestimated the difficulty of recovering, of letting go.

Is it because I had loved him so much more than he had, hence it is so much harder for me?

Why do I still have random dreams about him?

I have met him at several social events recently. I avoided eye contact at all costs. We never talked. Why should we? Why would he want to? He seems to have made a full recovery, and is already in another relationship.

I realised I still struggled to breathe every time i saw him. I was conscious about the difficulty of breathing calmly. And it consumed a lot of my energy for the rest of the day, in order for me to resume my day-to-day life.

Really, what should I do? What wrong have I committed so badly that it seems I am forever cursed to suffer?

And coupled with another big issue of 'finding your purpose in life'; I am seriously lost.

The only path, the only way forward that I could rely on to carry on my life, is work. It keeps me going to a certain extent.

At least i know that on Mondays to Fridays, I have to get up to go to work. I know I have to eat at lunch time. I know I got to do things well. I know I got to think about promotions or career advancement in general.

As for the more important issues in life- to be happy, to love and be loved, to have a purpose; I don't quite have a clue yet.


  1. Always look at the bright side of things. Recovery is a very rocky road but eventually you will get out of it and everything will be smooth as silk.

    The missing puzzles will fit perfectly :)


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

First dildo experience

For the sake of 'brightening' my blog a bit, hence the title.

I will get to the dildo later.

Firstly, thank you to those of you who are still following this little space of mine. Thanks for taking interest in my life though most, if not all of you don't know me personally.

Thanks for leaving the comments.

Managed to get an appointment this afternoon at the sexual health clinic. Zoe, the nurse at this clinic that usually sees me, said that she thought we just met not long ago. Indeed that was the case.

So I told her about the risk. I told her I only wanted a test. Had the test. It's been more than 6 weeks.

She said she wouldn't be too concerned about it. But anyway she let me had the test.

I noticed that the feverish feeling I am having (dry and warm eyes, warm limbs, warm body, body aches, probably mild fever) usually starts in the afternoon.

I am researching about this thing 阴虚内热. So it's about the Yin being deficient, making the Yang too high and hence the &#…

"You are not that important anymore"

Right now, I am falling to pieces. 
Everything. Every single thing in my life seems to have fallen apart. 
Jay called me and asked for 30 mins of my time tonight. He drove over. I went downstairs and we talked in the car. 
To be honest, I wasn't expecting him to be blaming himself for everything, say sorry, and ask for my forgiveness. That would be too ideal. 
Actually I didn't even know what to hope for when he called me. I proclaimed yesterday that I am single again. I have plenty of reasons to leave him for good. In fact, I have too many. 
I guessed when he called me asking to come over tonight, I was hoping for some peaceful closure. 
I tried very hard to keep the emotions inside. I tried to act cool. Showing contempt even. Acted as if I didn't really need the apology he offered. Acted as if I had achieved self-actualisation and 'love' was something I didn't care about. 
He started off by apologising for the pain that he caused in the past few weeks. It was…