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Showing posts from May, 2013

Treasure your loved ones (2)

Came across this video on my Facebook newsfeed. I'm sure a lot of us have heard from our mums or even on the TV about how difficult it was to bring us into this world. Personally, I have watched similar videos in the past which were more bloodied. Nonetheless, this video still conjures up a lot of emotions.

Before I came to Sydney three years ago, just the week before I departed, my mum asked me to teach her how to blog. She has stopped writing, but I could still read the posts that she has written previously. There were a few posts dedicated to me. Mainly about me being alone overseas, having to learn to be independent and the parents will not be beside you all the time. I have not been pampered with 'tangible' stuff, as my parents would not get us expensive branded clothing or gameboys or Play Stations. But I have now come to realize that I was being pampered in a different way. Back in the days when I was in High School, I only needed to excel in my studies, and when I…

Panicked...

I will be completing PEP on this Sunday morning. 
So, yesterday noon, I started to develop a discomfort in my throat. It's dry, not very sore, but I can feel it. Actually, before I started PEP, the few weeks before PEP, I was having the same feeling on and off. Went to several doctors, and eventually did a throat culture and confirmed it's not due to bacteria, so no antibiotics necessary. The doctors only said it should be viral, cold, so rest well and your body will do the work. I suspected that I was probably having glandular fever or mononucleosis, but I never had the test so I dun no. So yesterday I was telling myself not to panic because it may be that I have been stressed, anxious, and the same feeling that I had previously came back again. 
But, this afternoon, after having a nap ( I was in bed till noon, didn't go to class because I was just so tired and I didn't sleep well last night), I noticed there was this patch of faint rash on my tummy just below my ches…

Dear Father In Heaven, what's your plan for me?

I have tried to stay optimistic every day. Every morning when I wake up, however, the first thing will be to check if my glands are swollen. There's fear and anxiety everytime I check them.

Went to the uni today and printed stuff to read. But I couldn't concentrate, even after I prayed. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what has God planned for me. Will I be lucky enough to stay healthy?

I started to feel some fullness in my groin area. I am worried.

There's still no reply from my ex. I can only check out his Jack'D profile secretly from time to time.

I don't know for how long more I can keep myself sane. I feel like crying to my parents, to my family. Yes, I have a few friends who kindly supported me. But I just need someone closer to me to understand my feelings.

I've even started to look up for information about living with hiv. I know this is not helping me to feel better. But I need to have a plan. Who will be worried the most if I m in troubl…

Just some updates

So i still have another 7 days of medication to finish. A few days ago probably, i started to feel some enlarged lymph nodes around my neck, under my chin. I've had them before and I knew they could be due to many reasons but I just couldn't stop myself from thinking about the worst that could happen.

I was feeling very down last night. Luckily, David was willing to come over and talk to me. I also told David that I was feeling sad because my ex stopped talking to me:( A few days ago, after I finished class at uni, he texted me and said that he was lonely. He knew I wouldn't want to have sex so he said it's ok to just cuddle. I went over, cuddled. I could feel that he wanted more but I politely said we should stop coz i am still at risk. I tried to chat with him but he didn't seem to be interested in telling me more. He also didn't ask me how I was doing. The whole thing felt like a pure 'sexual' meet up.

I texted him the day after. I was feeling lonely…

Pink Dot 2013 (Home)

Coming out is something that I have always planned to do. What's better than being able to stop living two separate lives.

I've always been a family person. Since I came to Sydney 3 years ago, we have always made it a point to Skype or call each other. I always know the major news that's happening in Malaysia, it's still my Home regardless.

Last January, I even brought my ex home. I introduced him as my friend and created stories about how we met. I felt really really happy when I noticed that my family members actually liked him a lot. Inside me, I couldn't stop but to imagine how sweet it would be that day when my family finally bless us and we are walking down the path together. Unfortunately, that was also the time when our relationship was at the brink of failing.

To the couples friends I know, I always asked them the same question. 'Will you come out to your parents?' 'Why not?' 'Isn't it nice to have their blessings?' Some said n…

Anxiety is killing me...

I can feel the stiffness that runs along my neck, shoulders, and hands and I am not sure if there's a swollen node near my underarm. Googling is not helpful, I know, but I just couldn't stop doing it.

I'm scared. I need to talk to someone that can assure me that I'm over thinking and the symptoms i am experiencing are due to anxiety and probably the medication. But everyone seems to be busy :(


Day 17

So another 11 days worth of medication to go....

Went to the hospital this morning to see the Nurse Consultant for follow-up. I told him about the discomfort I felt around my underarms to ribs area and the brownish oral thrush I have. He told me not to worry. There's no swollen lymph nodes. I can only believe him. I will be fine. These are the just side effects hopefully.

Blood was taken today to check for STIs, kidney and liver functions. Will call back on Thursday for the results.

Everything else seems to be fine except the additional worry that I have with my mouth/gum/wisdom tooth. Probably due to excessive flossing, I think I might have cut my gum with the floss two days ago and the area is healing but will still bleed slightly if i floss or brush it. I can still feel the slight pain now when my tongue touches the area. What should I do? To floss or not to floss that area? I will have to keep the area clean to prevent infection but flossing will injure the still-healing gum. …

Some Updates...

Have been feeling tired recently because of my mental state and the medications. 
Having antibiotics for my gum infection and the PEP drugs are not funny. I guess my body must be pretty burdened with these. Having muscle ache. My tongue has this brownish to black layer instead of the usual whitish/yellowish layer. I am worried they will be harmful to my body so I went to the GP today to have a blood test done. I didn't tell the GP much except that I needed liver n kidney function tests because I am having some 'herbal supplements'. 
Will meet with the nurse consultant again this Tuesday morning. 
I was feeling quite down this evening but am feeling much better now after 'telling' a friend about what happened to me. I am also feeling better after skyping with my parents though i couldn't let them know my worries but talking to family always makes me feel better. 
A new week is starting tomorrow (actually today) and I am not really ready. I didn't have much a…

Treasure your loved ones

You asked me today what was my expectation of meeting you today. I didn't say anything.

I just want to see you. 

Went out with my ex today. Yes, part of me is still hoping that he will come back. We walked around in the city but couldn't decide on what to do, partly because the city has nothing and partly I was just too emo (though I did try to mask it) and tired because of the medications.


3 pills 4 drugs, not that simple.

Prior to that incident, I had been told about the existence of PEP by sexual nurses on regular health screenings. All I knew was that it would be a combination of anti-HIV drugs. I didn't want to know 'too much' about the drugs because it was simply too scary to even think about the need for these drugs.

That night, after I got home, I quickly googled for more information about PEP, about the drugs, more about its effectiveness though. There were studies conducted on test tubes, animals and humans. There were studies on occupational exposure (needle sticks encountered by health care workers) and non-occupational exposure (sexual contacts, etc.). PEP is no guarantee. There were some people who seroconverted despite being treated with PEP. However, it was noted that they might have started PEP a bit too late (later than 40 hours post exposure). It was also noted that those who did not seroconvert might not have been infected in the first place. So, there's no easy answer…

Risky Exposure_PEP

Exactly a week ago, last Sunday, I had probably exposed myself to HIV.

It was the 5th of May, the day when the other Malaysians were busy with the General Election back home. I was in Sydney City, shopping for formal shirts and pants.

It had been a few weeks since we had the worst break-up (yes, lots of break-ups before and we got back together).

I finished shopping at around 4pm but didn't want to go home straight. I was slutty. I wanted to get laid. I opened up my Jack'd and chatted with a few guys with whom I had exchanged a few messages. But none of them could make it. I hesitated to go to the sauna in the city because I was there a few weeks ago and I got a really bad flu after visiting the place. However, in the end, I still chose to go with two bags full of shirts and pants that I had just bought.

I got intimate with a few guys but it was this guy that worried me. An Asian, by the name Stan. I had not seen him before. He was shorter than me but quite well built. I was p…