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Showing posts from July, 2013

Last (official) test

So I've just had my last (official) twelve week post-exposure test. I'm actually happy to see the clinical nurse consultant again. He's a Caucasian, gay, in his late 40s probably. He's always smiling and seeing how enthusiastic he is with his work makes me feel like I should probably do something as meaningful as his. He asked me how I have been doing. I hesitated n decided not to waste his time. The worries, the fears, are for me to grow. I thought his time would be better used for other patients. He said unlike in the past, I will have to come back to see him this time for the results. He said because this is my last test n it's like the rule. So I'll be seeing him on Thursday morning. I did tell him about the unprotected oral sex. He said it's considered to be low risk. And then I asked him if he's seen anyone who got infected because of oral sex. To which he replied, yes, there were people who claimed oral sex to be the only activity but how true, h…

If time can go back...

It's almost 3 months now since the incident happened. 

It's almost 4 months now since we broke up. 

It's about 18 days now since I last sent you a message. 

It's the 16th day since the last unprotected oral sex. 

For the past 3 months or so, every day, every night, I have been hoping that I could time travel back. I regretted the decisions I made, the things I did.

Every night, the hour before I could fall asleep, I will by lying on the bed, keeping myself warm with the quilt, and hugging the bolster really tight imagining that it's you.

The past 3 months have been really hard. I got myself into trouble, I was depressed, I needed counselling, I halted my studies, my job got affected too. I couldn't sleep, as there were just too many things in my mind.

I could only use you to sweeten up my mind a bit. I would imagine that we were still together. I would imagine that we were together doing things together, being nice to each other, hugging each other, bickering, etc…

Some updates!

Finally...typing something out now.

The past few days have passed quite quickly, which is a good thing.

What's new?
First time wearing contact lenses. Have always wanted to try it.

Made up my mind and walked into Specsavers, got a comprehensive eye check (covered by Medicare) and had the optometrist ordered a pair of trial lenses for me.

Was told to wait for a week but got a call the next day (on Thursday) that the lenses were ready for me.

They had a staff to teach me how to put the lenses in. It was hard but I was really excited! Wasn't as difficult as what friends had told me.

Been trying them for a few hours in the past few days. I think the optometrist failed to give me the best prescription. It's a little bit blurry, and kinda difficult for me to read stuff on the computer. I asked a friend of mine who also has astigmatism of greater than 2.25 and who is wearing a toric lens, and she told me it's ok with hers.

Will try to contact the optometrist next week and see …

Game (Dota 2)

I can already imagine people not clicking the link to this blog post or simply stop reading when they see the title.

I was like that too.

With the exception of Dota 2, I'm never a games person. Computer games/Video games/PSP/PS3/Nintendo/Wii/Game Boy/Xbox- Never.

The only game that I was able to complete was Pokemon Yellow. I played it using an 'emulator' on my PC while I was in Secondary One. Even with that, I had to consult friends when I got stuck in one of the levels.

I've played Mario on my computer too. But my hands would get too sweaty and I would get too scared of 'dying'. Never competed the game. One or two stages only.

I've also played a few times of 'Street Fighters' and 'Need for Speed' on PS2.

I don't own any gaming console. I actually hoped for a Game Boy, the very first generation when I saw my younger cousin playing with his, but I knew I would never be able to convince my parents to get me one. And as I grow older, I jus…

Feeling dull...

Feeling dull...

Called the sexual health clinic this morning for the urine test results (to check for Chlamydia/Gonorrhea). The guy said it's not available yet but promised that he would follow up as I told him about the slight tingling/burning sensation when I urinate. He called back a few hours later and told me they didn't find any C/G in the urine sample.

I was actually hoping that he would inform me otherwise. At least, I would get treated right away and don't have to speculate the possible causes.

Anyway, I made an appointment next Monday for another test. This is because 5 days may be too early for the tests to be accurate. I really don't know what to do, if again, after the test next week, they say there's no C/G in my urine.

I'm pretty sure something is just not right there. I couldn't see any discharge or sores or bumps or blisters.

I googled for the possible reasons.

Gonorrhea- but usually comes with discharge.

Chlamydia- actually not so common i…

The Last One

Woke up with 3 notifications from Blogger. Tuls left me comments:) He read my blog. I was of course feeling happy but also a bit..'weird?' at the same time. I still don't see myself as a blogger yet, and it feels kinda different to know that the people behind those blogs that I've been reading read my blog.

As for other bloggers, you mean just as much to me. You know who you are. Since I started writing, since I got myself into PEP, you guys have been here to encourage me, to support me. Thank you so much :)

I got myself tested for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea yesterday. It's 5 days from the last sex I had. I received unprotected oral sex. And I could feel some slight sensation (hot maybe) when I pee. Yes, I am in a state of worrying actually. I know with Chlamydia and Gonorrhea, they can be treated quite easily. What I'm worried is hiv risk. From the internet, from the sexual health nurse I saw yesterday, they all told me that receiving oral sex without a condom ca…

Internal conflicts

Feeling pretty tired at the moment, but will try to write about what I did today (technically yesterday, Monday).

Went to see my counselor this afternoon. I told her about the sauna, the sex that took place a few days ago. I found it harder to speak to her this time, because I felt disgusted about myself. It's similar to how I felt when I confessed to God. Just imagine, you promised someone and yourself that you wouldn't commit the same thing again, but then you failed. You asked for their forgiveness, you found an excuse for yourself that you were weak and vulnerable. And you repeated the same thing, over and over again. It is disgusting.

I'm feeling shitty about myself. She pointed out that I kept describing myself as a slut, as a sinner, as being promiscuous.

She said she didn't see me this way. She said she couldn't understand, why then did I do it again, if I said I hate to do it. It didn't make sense to her. It didn't make sense to me either. I didn&#…

Blood donation

It's been 6 weeks post-PEP.

Yesterday, I went for a blood donation. Yes, a blood donation. It's my first time.

To be honest, the main reason I went for a blood donation was not because I wanted to help people. It sounds so wrong, I know.

Don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to donate blood. The Australian Red Cross will have mobile station set up in my university a few times a year. But I didn't want to donate previously because I was treated with Isotretinoin, for my acne problem, and that I was told not to give blood for at least a year because if pregnant ladies receive my blood, the babies will be deformed.

But this time, the main reason that caused me to donate blood was that I wanted to have my blood tested. Recently, I found out that the Australian Red Cross screens all donated blood using very sensitive NAT/PCR tests. I wanted myself to be tested by the most sensitive tests, tests that I wouldn't be able to undergo at my GP. I knew I wouldn't put …

Help needed...

Yes, I need you to help, I need someone to tell me their views/opinions/suggestions.

The last few days were fine, at least I didn't panic as much. My result at 5th week post PEP was negative. I kept telling myself that I will be fine, although no one knows for sure how good/sure this result is.

This afternoon, I went to the city for a walk and decided to find a massage place. My shoulders, neck and back are quite tense. But I couldn't really find a massage place that is close enough to where I was at that time. The SAUNA was close enough.

I know they offer massage service at the sauna for like $60/hour but I didn't know how it worked. I hesitated to visit the sauna again, in fact, I once swore that I would never set foot at the sauna again after that INCIDENT, but I gave in, and ended up at the sauna.

But, it's all booked out until late tonight. Should I have thanked the guy and left? Perhaps I should. But I ended up paying $24 to enter.

I told myself, 'Ok, I will …

It's now 5 weeks post-PEP

The past few weeks have passed quite briefly actually. I'm glad that they didn't appear to be too long. 
Today is the 36th day since I finished PEP. I went to the sexual health clinic that's attached to the hospital that I went to that night, after that incident happened. 
I was surprised when the nurse said, 'Oh you did the right thing, I saw that you had PEP before'. I didn't expect the hospital to inform the sexual health clinic about the PEP thing, though they are affiliated. Anyway, luckily that she didn't pay attention to the date I got PEP, and I managed to get the free screening done. 
I've been having tests every week. Every day before the test day, I would be very anxious. It's normal I know. But the problem is the accumulated stress has put a lot of burden on my health. I started to have this gastric pain a few days ago, which prevented me from having good sleep. It got better yesterday morning, but I went out with friends in the afternoo…

Hot Encounter at Clinic

Went to the nearby clinic this afternoon for my Liver Function, Hep B, FBC results. As Dr Emma, my usual GP, was fully booked for today, I was offered another doctor.

Dr Patrick, I was told on the phone. I quickly looked it up on the clinic's website. From the short description about him, I could imagine him to be a young and attractive guy. He is Asian, by the way.

Arrived at the clinic 5 mins earlier, as I didn't want him to wait, haha. So, a young, fit, and handsome guy came out to the waiting area and called my name. I quickly stood up and walked towards him. Before we went into his room, he welcomed me with a handshake, and it was firm and that made me a bit shy.

He's about my height or taller (178cm/above), dressed in a tailored made shirt, it was very clear that he has an athletic build. He has a deep voice. Such a wonderful package. Haha

He told me his parents came from Malaysia too, and that he was born here. He was very friendly and somehow I felt as though we we…

Longing for Peace and Love

Peace, and Love are things that we easily take for granted. In the past 2 months especially, I have been struggling to get peace and to feel loved. I've always failed to realised the importance of Peace and Love until I lost them. I hope I have learned something. I hope I will be able to not take things for granted, but I know it's always easier said than done.

I phoned to the Sexual Health clinic this afternoon, and I was given a negative test result. Thank God. Before the test, I kept telling myself, if the 4th week post-pep test is negative, I should most likely be ok because I've had tests at 1,2,3,4 wk post-pep and the tests detect both antigens and antibodies. If PEP failed, the virus should be replicating and the tests should be able to detect the antigen component at least, even if not enough antibodies were produced.

However, now having the 4th week test result, I am still not relieved. I've been thinking about various possible reasons that could cause a false…


Went to the sexual health clinic today for my 1 month post-PEP test.

Similar to another sexual health clinic, this clinic in the city is trialing the Uni Gold rapid test. It only tests for antibodies though, unlike the recently approved Alere Determine which incorporates both antigens and antibodies tests.

I hope I will be fine.

Also, had a session with the counselor today. It was therapeutic I believe, as at least there was someone listening to me as I tried to summarize what I did and how I felt for the past week, and some plans that I have.

I told the counselor that I am planning to apply for a course leave, to 'rest' for a semester. She kindly agreed to write a letter for me.

I have also taken a step by emailing by supervisor today and told her that I am planning to do this. Will be going to the university tomorrow and start to get the details about the application process. Hopefully, this will go smoothly. Once, it's been finalized, I will let my parents know.

I had a…

Moving On

Moving on. Still something I hate to hear, very much.

It was one the guys that I dated who first talked about 'moving on'. He was telling me that in life we all have to move on, and that's what he did with his past relationships, as I can vaguely remember. I remember telling him how bad it is to move on, and that people shouldn't be made to move on, because it's a bad thing, it's saddening.

After i broke up with my ex, he kept telling me to move on, to stop contacting him and that he's moved on.

'What's wrong with you guys seriously!', I said to myself, how can people be so heartless. I simply can't move on, just like that. I always think people who are able to move on simply because they haven't really fallen deep enough for someone. Just my opinion, you may disagree.

It will be the 1st of July in 5 minutes.

For the past 6 months, I wasn't very happy. It was rocky. It was hard.

All because I fucked up.

In Jan, we were already on the…