Yes, I need you to help, I need someone to tell me their views/opinions/suggestions.
The last few days were fine, at least I didn't panic as much. My result at 5th week post PEP was negative. I kept telling myself that I will be fine, although no one knows for sure how good/sure this result is.
This afternoon, I went to the city for a walk and decided to find a massage place. My shoulders, neck and back are quite tense. But I couldn't really find a massage place that is close enough to where I was at that time. The SAUNA was close enough.
I know they offer massage service at the sauna for like $60/hour but I didn't know how it worked. I hesitated to visit the sauna again, in fact, I once swore that I would never set foot at the sauna again after that INCIDENT, but I gave in, and ended up at the sauna.
But, it's all booked out until late tonight. Should I have thanked the guy and left? Perhaps I should. But I ended up paying $24 to enter.
I told myself, 'Ok, I will not do anything, I will just enjoy watching the men, I will keep myself clear about what I do'.
I walked around and around and around. Finally, this guy, slim fit, approached me and caressed me and we ended up in a room. He gave me oral. 'virtually risk-free', I thought. And then, I felt like topping him. I haven't had sex 'proper sex' for so long. So I put on a condom carefully, and I fxxxed him. It was quite intense, I guess I was letting all my energy out that time. I didn't cum. I stopped. Took off the condom. And he gave another one or two lick and I thanked him and left.
I checked the condom carefully to make sure it didn't break. I quickly gave myself a shower. As I was showering, I noticed my dick was a bit 'sensitive/sore'. Is it normal?
When I reached home just now, I tried to shower and examined my dick closely. It did not 'sting' when it came into contact with the soap. But could there be a cut that's not visible? Am I at risk?
I started googling. A lot of reliable websites actually say the same thing. 'Virtually' no risk, but not absolute. Saliva can in fact 'deactivate' the virus, and hence it's not infectious. (HIV i mean).
Actually just after I showered at the sauna, I found a corner and sat down. I thought about the event. I looked around. Guys walking around and around and around, for hours, to find the match.
I personally think that it is sad.
At their age, why are they still doing this. Why can't we gays settle down? Why do we have to come to 'dangerous places' like this. I assume a lot of you would agree, that having random sex makes us feel empty afterwards.
I prayed. I asked for forgiveness, for my weakness. Some told me HIV is not something God created to punish gays. But gay or straight, I should not sleep around right? I don't want to be promiscuous, it is 'fun' for a short while but is it worth it, with the weeks of worrying afterwards. Because only by not having sex, there is absolutely no risk. Otherwise, there's always a risk.
I hate this. I feel guilty every time I have sex, because probably I was not having sex with my partner.
What is right and what is wrong? Should I and more importantly, CAN I, stop having sex until I get a partner?
Or is it less risky, less sinful, if I do it with someone I know?
Can you please share with me your thoughts? Please, I really need to know how to proceed. I am lost.
The last few days were fine, at least I didn't panic as much. My result at 5th week post PEP was negative. I kept telling myself that I will be fine, although no one knows for sure how good/sure this result is.
This afternoon, I went to the city for a walk and decided to find a massage place. My shoulders, neck and back are quite tense. But I couldn't really find a massage place that is close enough to where I was at that time. The SAUNA was close enough.
I know they offer massage service at the sauna for like $60/hour but I didn't know how it worked. I hesitated to visit the sauna again, in fact, I once swore that I would never set foot at the sauna again after that INCIDENT, but I gave in, and ended up at the sauna.
But, it's all booked out until late tonight. Should I have thanked the guy and left? Perhaps I should. But I ended up paying $24 to enter.
I told myself, 'Ok, I will not do anything, I will just enjoy watching the men, I will keep myself clear about what I do'.
I walked around and around and around. Finally, this guy, slim fit, approached me and caressed me and we ended up in a room. He gave me oral. 'virtually risk-free', I thought. And then, I felt like topping him. I haven't had sex 'proper sex' for so long. So I put on a condom carefully, and I fxxxed him. It was quite intense, I guess I was letting all my energy out that time. I didn't cum. I stopped. Took off the condom. And he gave another one or two lick and I thanked him and left.
I checked the condom carefully to make sure it didn't break. I quickly gave myself a shower. As I was showering, I noticed my dick was a bit 'sensitive/sore'. Is it normal?
When I reached home just now, I tried to shower and examined my dick closely. It did not 'sting' when it came into contact with the soap. But could there be a cut that's not visible? Am I at risk?
I started googling. A lot of reliable websites actually say the same thing. 'Virtually' no risk, but not absolute. Saliva can in fact 'deactivate' the virus, and hence it's not infectious. (HIV i mean).
Actually just after I showered at the sauna, I found a corner and sat down. I thought about the event. I looked around. Guys walking around and around and around, for hours, to find the match.
I personally think that it is sad.
At their age, why are they still doing this. Why can't we gays settle down? Why do we have to come to 'dangerous places' like this. I assume a lot of you would agree, that having random sex makes us feel empty afterwards.
I prayed. I asked for forgiveness, for my weakness. Some told me HIV is not something God created to punish gays. But gay or straight, I should not sleep around right? I don't want to be promiscuous, it is 'fun' for a short while but is it worth it, with the weeks of worrying afterwards. Because only by not having sex, there is absolutely no risk. Otherwise, there's always a risk.
I hate this. I feel guilty every time I have sex, because probably I was not having sex with my partner.
What is right and what is wrong? Should I and more importantly, CAN I, stop having sex until I get a partner?
Or is it less risky, less sinful, if I do it with someone I know?
Can you please share with me your thoughts? Please, I really need to know how to proceed. I am lost.
Lets me try to put up my opinion here and I wrote 'opinion', so it might differ from what u believe in. I'll try to answer each of ur question.
ReplyDeleteRegarding what is right or wrong, I suppose it is all revolve around ur belief. I'm not talking bout religious belief/saying but rather what YOU urself think u can and cannot do. I'm sure from reading ur posts u have a set of beliefs, so stick to it. Still, there will be slip up from time to time. We are human, after all, not a saint. No need to beat urself because of that. Repent and try not to do it again.
I'll tackle the question of sex and partner together since they're related. First and foremost, there's nothing sinful about fulfilling one sexual need. As long u do no harm to anyone and u think about it thoroughly and it is done with ur consent, proceed for what I care. It won't be easy to restrain oneself from having sex especially once u tasted it and I think it will do more harm to u in long run. Just take this one as example. Because u have refuse urself the need, u ended up doing something u regretted much because u didn't think carefully.
Whether it will be less risky, well u will never know what he did behind ur back. He can say he is all clean and shiny but how true is that. Like u said, the only way to really eliminate the risk is to just stop having sex completely. But how sure are u u can hold on before u give in to the temptation and did something stupid?
My only suggestion will be, if u really want to do have fun, why not find one and bring back or go to their place. I'm never one that feel comfortable to have sex at sauna.
Well, that is my expensive two-cents thought. I have a feeling half of it will be rambling while the rest are rubbish =P hahahaha
anyway, just relax ur mind a bit and think calmly. U will be able to see what u truly want and capable of. Talk to ur friend, ask for their help. We are all here to help each other =)
*hugs tight, bryan*
Thank you so much for dropping by, I really appreciate your words:)
DeleteIn the mean time, I am looking for gay friends who are also christians. I'm not discriminating against non-christians, actually most of my friends are non-believers. But I do hope to hear more from people who also share a similar set of beliefs as me, and how they journey through it.
Thank you! Love you:)
=)
DeleteIf I'm not mistaken, there are few bloggers who are christian. One of them is Will.i.am. u can try contact n talk to him. I'm sure he is more than willing to share =)