Skip to main content

If time can go back...

It's almost 3 months now since the incident happened. 

 It's almost 4 months now since we broke up. 

 It's about 18 days now since I last sent you a message. 

 It's the 16th day since the last unprotected oral sex. 

 For the past 3 months or so, every day, every night, I have been hoping that I could time travel back. I regretted the decisions I made, the things I did.

Every night, the hour before I could fall asleep, I will by lying on the bed, keeping myself warm with the quilt, and hugging the bolster really tight imagining that it's you.

The past 3 months have been really hard. I got myself into trouble, I was depressed, I needed counselling, I halted my studies, my job got affected too. I couldn't sleep, as there were just too many things in my mind.

I could only use you to sweeten up my mind a bit. I would imagine that we were still together. I would imagine that we were together doing things together, being nice to each other, hugging each other, bickering, etc.

I tried to contact you in real life. I hoped I could see you. I didn't mind even if I saw you with another guy. I just wanted to see you so much. I tried walking aimlessly in the city, to another suburb which I thought you were in for hours. I stalked you on Jack'D. I pretended to be someone else and talked to you on Jack'D but you found out and blocked me. I pretended to be someone else and added you as my friend on Dota 2 but you must have figured out that it was me and deleted me.

'Moving on' has a different meaning to me now. Previously I thought moving on meant I had to get someone really hot so that I could forget about you to stop the pain. But today, I think it is not exactly like that. I think yes, I need to forget about you but given my experiences and worries, I shouldn't put myself at risk just so that I could forget about you. Also, the body/sexual part wasn't able to make me forget about you.

I remember the last sexual encounter I had. I was topping that random guy. Suddenly I thought about you. Yes, it's weird, it may even be disgusting for you to know.

I'm telling myself that I need to grow up. It's true that life is not about my sexuality/relationship only.

I want to volunteer in gay Asian projects or HIV prevention projects. I want to remain healthy physically and mentally.

I want to know more people, to make friends without an agenda. I want to explore this gay world in a healthy setting. I want to be a more interesting person.

If until then, I still have a feeling towards you, then it's not because I am empty. And I will try my best to get in touch with you again and hopefully to win your heart back.


Was in a panic mode before bed time last night. I noticed my inner foreskin was a bit red. It wasn't itchy or painful. I am still afraid that it's hiv symptom or something really bad.

The next appointment will be the coming Tuesday. That will be 8 weeks post PEP and 18th day since my unprotected oral sex.


Labels:

Comments

  1. CalvinJuly 29, 2013 at 12:15 PM

    Try copy and paste this in your blogroll to see the updates of my new post titles:
    http://strictlygay.blogspot.com/atom.xml

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. untold stories July 29, 2013 at 3:39 PM

      Oh thanks! It's now appearing on my blog but still not working on my blogger dashboard.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How long is 20 months?

It's been almost a year since I last wrote. So what prompted me to write again? I still haven't gotten over Jay. He left in June 16? Yes, its now March 18. Shocking right,? How can someone, especially someone like me who can be so determined in my career and studies, who is so rational in all other material aspects, fail to marshal the power to put an end to it. I wanted to write, to remind myself how much time has passed, as his second birthday post our breakup is coming up. Last year, I mailed him a gift and a card. There was no reply. He finally agreed to meet over lunch about half a year ago? I texted him on a monthly basis to say hello. He would give me a simple reply if he felt like it. There was this perpetual urge to see him, to talk to him. I took photos of the baked goods I made. I used the 'save' feature on Facebook to save cute or funny videos. I hoped one day I would have the opportunity to show him all these. How foolish. I noticed I did
7 comments
Read more

The "Emergency Contact"

Got a letter from the insurance company this morning, confirming that my conditions are not 'pre-existing'. Glad that they are willing to pay for my colonoscopy and endoscopy (with an 'excess' of $500, which means I would have to pay for the first $500 in a calendar year for any claims I make).  I called the clinic quickly to make an appointment for the procedures. The earliest they have is this Wednesday, so I will be 'admitted' this Wednesday afternoon.  The lady over the phone said that I must arrange for someone to bring me home after the procedure because I will be sedated (as opposed to anaesthesia) and under NSW laws it is a requirement that I go home accompanied.  I can't think of anyone really. No family, no friends, no one, just me alone. I told her I have no one that I can ask. I wondered what she thought, poor kid maybe. Fortunately, there is a specialised cab service that I can hire to escort me home.  Then, there was the pre-admi
4 comments
Read more

Are you the ONE?

One thing being a gay and single is that, I tend to screen for prospective Bf, every single day, every single time a man, in the right age range walks past me. (Though the age range criteria has been relaxed most of the time) It wasn't this 'serious' in the past, my brain wasn't working like this... Now, it's getting a bit excessive sometimes. Stealing glances at random guys on the bus, in the park, around the neighbourhood, in the gym...And these glances are getting more and more 'advanced'. I know perfectly, where to scan, the legs, the butts, the triceps, the forearm, etc. I know the timing. I know where to sit on the bus so that I can have an easy access to the view. And most importantly, I acted as if I didn't care, with the cool face, acted as if I'm the least possible person to steal glances at random guys. Am I perverted? weird? desperate? Maybe it's the desperateness. With guys that I haven't met, I find myself having all the
10 comments
Read more