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If time can go back...

It's almost 3 months now since the incident happened. 

It's almost 4 months now since we broke up. 

It's about 18 days now since I last sent you a message. 

It's the 16th day since the last unprotected oral sex. 

For the past 3 months or so, every day, every night, I have been hoping that I could time travel back. I regretted the decisions I made, the things I did.

Every night, the hour before I could fall asleep, I will by lying on the bed, keeping myself warm with the quilt, and hugging the bolster really tight imagining that it's you.

The past 3 months have been really hard. I got myself into trouble, I was depressed, I needed counselling, I halted my studies, my job got affected too. I couldn't sleep, as there were just too many things in my mind.

I could only use you to sweeten up my mind a bit. I would imagine that we were still together. I would imagine that we were together doing things together, being nice to each other, hugging each other, bickering, etc.

I tried to contact you in real life. I hoped I could see you. I didn't mind even if I saw you with another guy. I just wanted to see you so much. I tried walking aimlessly in the city, to another suburb which I thought you were in for hours. I stalked you on Jack'D. I pretended to be someone else and talked to you on Jack'D but you found out and blocked me. I pretended to be someone else and added you as my friend on Dota 2 but you must have figured out that it was me and deleted me.

'Moving on' has a different meaning to me now. Previously I thought moving on meant I had to get someone really hot so that I could forget about you to stop the pain. But today, I think it is not exactly like that. I think yes, I need to forget about you but given my experiences and worries, I shouldn't put myself at risk just so that I could forget about you. Also, the body/sexual part wasn't able to make me forget about you.

I remember the last sexual encounter I had. I was topping that random guy. Suddenly I thought about you. Yes, it's weird, it may even be disgusting for you to know.

I'm telling myself that I need to grow up. It's true that life is not about my sexuality/relationship only.

I want to volunteer in gay Asian projects or HIV prevention projects. I want to remain healthy physically and mentally.

I want to know more people, to make friends without an agenda. I want to explore this gay world in a healthy setting. I want to be a more interesting person.

If until then, I still have a feeling towards you, then it's not because I am empty. And I will try my best to get in touch with you again and hopefully to win your heart back.


Was in a panic mode before bed time last night. I noticed my inner foreskin was a bit red. It wasn't itchy or painful. I am still afraid that it's hiv symptom or something really bad.

The next appointment will be the coming Tuesday. That will be 8 weeks post PEP and 18th day since my unprotected oral sex.


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