How long is 20 months?

It's been almost a year since I last wrote.

So what prompted me to write again?

I still haven't gotten over Jay. He left in June 16? Yes, its now March 18. Shocking right,? How can someone, especially someone like me who can be so determined in my career and studies, who is so rational in all other material aspects, fail to marshal the power to put an end to it.

I wanted to write, to remind myself how much time has passed, as his second birthday post our breakup is coming up.

Last year, I mailed him a gift and a card. There was no reply.

He finally agreed to meet over lunch about half a year ago?

I texted him on a monthly basis to say hello. He would give me a simple reply if he felt like it.

There was this perpetual urge to see him, to talk to him.

I took photos of the baked goods I made. I used the 'save' feature on Facebook to save cute or funny videos. I hoped one day I would have the opportunity to show him all these. How foolish.

I noticed I did not take more than 5 selfies of myself since June 16.

I failed to be 'present' most days. I merely survived. I did not really live.

I pushed people away, I kept myself alone.

I convinced myself that if I 'behaved' myself, Jay would want to see me again. Hence, I cooked more, I cleaned the house more often, I thought about travelling more, I punished myself for feeling depressed, etc. Basically, I was trying to do those things that I thought Jay would like. Though Jay wouldn't know any of these anyway.

Surely all the time we spent, all the things he had said to me meant something right? Surely it couldn't be really the end right?

And so i continued to allow myself to be 'absent' in my life. I hoped for the days to go by as quickly as possible, as I was counting down to the day, the day that we would finally meet again.

As his birthday is coming up, I have been contemplating whether to send him a gift or not. Whether to try asking him out for lunch or not.

And i remembered a video that I had watched recently. It was a Buddhist monk's advice on love and letting go. The idea is that if we truly love someone, we should not focus on owning them. We should instead do our best to liberate them, to make them happy and too see their happiness as our own.

So if i send him a gift, am i adding to his happiness or am i sending over a burden to him? He might have to think about how to dispose of it, etc. i guess?

And then I talked to a friend. I told him how I was still waiting and hoping. And then he said something that I couldn't really rebut. "If he still somehow has feelings for you, he would have contacted you by now". It struck me how true that statement is.

In the past 20 months or so, he never initiated contact. 

Maybe once, or twice, in the beginning, to ask about things. But definitely not in the caring way.

And then last night, I came across this amazing TED talk on how to fix a broken heart.

I feel like it is the time for me to put an end to my fantasies. 

It felt like we lost each other at a very busy and crowded terminal. I thought he wouldn't have left without me. So I waited, and waited, and waited. So much time has passed that even if he had left, and had flown around the world, and had subsequently changed his mind, I would still be here waiting for him.

But that has proven itself to be a fantasy of mine. He never changed his mind, he really had left. 

And so it is up to me now how I want to live my life.