The Untold Stories

In my previous post, I made a list of the things that I wanted to do, in order for me to start thinking and feeling positively. I have moved into this brand new studio apartment. I have also been cooking up a storm. I could now simply heat up my food when I get home from work, without having to rely on expensive take-away meals. However, I haven't been able to tick off items 3-5 yet. The apartment could be tidier. I have no one to invite over for meals. And lastly, item number 5, I don't think it will ever happen. Couple of weeks ago, after moving in, I texted Jay. I asked if it was possible to have a conversation. I told him I wasn't being emotional, I simply wanted to talk. He declined. And my last text to him was: "I have given you 10 months". Recently, on Facebook, I discovered videos made by a lady called Xandra Ooi which I found highly helpful and inspirational. She would end each video with ".... be happy, always". Her ideas made tota...

This is just another lonely night. Perhaps this is what my body is telling me to be. There are people that I could (re)connect with, technically. Like the ex-housemates, like the (ex)friends from uni, like some of you that I have made personal contact with, etc. But I don't feel like meeting people, or even talking to people. I am on Jack'D and I don't feel like even replying to msgs. Sometimes I even forgot I have Jack'D. When I was with my First, he liked to rent DVDs from those kiosks/vending machines sometimes but I liked going to the cinemas instead. I had never thought about renting DVDs until last weekend. My internet quota was almost reached, and I had nothing better to do. And so, in an effort to up my own mood a little, I decided to give it a try. I rented <<Kingsman the Secret Service>> and was surprised that it was on special, only costed me $1. The next day I watched <<Avengers...Ultron>>, costed me $2. Kingsman was more my thi...

Feeling slightly emo...not sad...just emo.... A while ago, I seemed to be immersed in a lot of deep thoughts about life, relationship, etc. And I wrote regularly. But the current relationship and work/study in the past few months had taken away most of my time. Miss the people here. Wondering how's everyone, and if I have missed many interesting things that are going on. Anyway, hope to be here more often!

Yes, 1 more month to thesis submission. I was so stressed the other night. I realised I could masturbate twice with a few hours apart. I watched porn when I was stressed. And then I felt more stressed, plus a bit of guilt, that the time spent on porn and masturbations could have been used on writing my thesis. The hardest part about writing a thesis, is not really about writing, but the planning, the structuring before actual writing could take place. I breathed a sigh of relief yesterday after seeing my supervisor, as she seemed to like my way of structuring the literature review. I was quite stressed before seeing her. Lots of what-if questions over my mind. What if she said it's not 'quite' right (notice the use of quite, because even a small hiccup now can drive me crazy, as I am running out of time!). So, she 'approved' it, and asked me to write them down. I am quite afraid of writing to be honest. Academic writing, and especially when it's forming ...

This post is overdue. So, other than reading and writing, and a bit of working, I think I am also distracted by Jay. So, the other day, he asked if he was a distraction to me. So I replied, 'hmm...you are..more like...an attraction'. I think I said it? He also said that he 'knows', but wanted me to focus on my studies.. So I am assuming he knows. And being a thinker, I can't help but to think about stuff that haven't even happened yet. Like, what if I am really distracted by him? What is he doing now? Will he message me if I don't message him? Will I again fall into the 'trap' of loving someone too deeply. And I am also reminded of this thing that David told me (not sure if it's true though), that we should never love someone too much. If I have 100% of love, then it's probably best to give maybe 50% of that to your bf/partner. By the way, I masturbated just half an hour ago. I found it hard to be focused, and I knowingly allowe...

Emailed my supervisor yesterday, asking for the meeting scheduled today to be canceled because I haven't done enough preparation/work to meet with her yet.  I was super nervous in the past few days as I got an email from one of the firms, asking me to complete an online interview.  So I couldn't work on my research and had to spend time, thinking about questions they might ask me so that I could prepare the answers!  Luckily my friend was very helpful and generous with sharing her experience with me, and a 'new friend' I met on Jack'D that gave me some very useful tips too.  I had about 7 days to work on my research (as i meet with my supervisor weekly). The first 4 days just burnt, because I was lazy. The remaining 3 days, because of the interview. So I am one week behind my schedule now!! The supervisor replied this morning, saying it was ok to call off the meeting, but she asked 'do you mind telling me what you did during the week?'. I ...

18888, an auspicious number . Thanks for visiting this space.  Another week has passed... Nothing special really, but isn't it nice to have a normal, ordinary, uneventful week? The weather here in Sydney has been quite erratic in the last few days. Weatherzone, which is usually very reliable (with its 'next 48 hours' forecast especially), had predicted the weather wrongly for quite a few times in just last week. There were thunderstorms. Very rare. Thunder/ Lightning is almost a once-a-year-thing for Sydney. The good thing about thunderstorms is that they pass by fairly quickly. They don't linger for days. So we still got to enjoy the warmth from the sun. While I was walking (I couldn't remember if it was today or another day), I suddenly realised how much peace I had at that moment. Really, the peace that was totally elusive in 2013. Suddenly, I realised I was having it back. How wonderful! Yes, I am still stressed by the loads of readings that I...

Nothing really special. Slept in until 11am? How do you define  sleeping in? I woke up multiple times, to pee, to have breakfast, to have a quick look at the phone, then allowing myself to wander back into dreamland. I have decided to 'do something about my life'! LOL Seriously, I can't keep spending money on food, etc and not being productive. Being a student, I should be studying  as hard as I can right? So I stopped myself from switching my Macbook to windows mode, so that I don't play Dota. (Oh, by the way, I recently learned to play this new hero, it's a Phoenix, so cool, I learned fast, ...., but let's forget about it for now) Arrived at the library at around 1pm and stayed there till 5pm. Didn't know that it closes at 5 on Fridays now. Did some reading, quite productive la, given that journal articles aren't really that user-friendly. Having some cash flows problems recently. Can't really write about the details here. But I should ...

What I did this morning: Purchased a spray (Terbinafine) and sprayed it on my slippers and inside of my shoes, to hopefully kill the fungus that 'might' be present. Wiped the floor inside my room with a multipurpose spray by Dettol (Benzalkonium Chloride). Don't know if this can kill fungus or not. Then I came across this  Article . Basically what it's saying is that there are more than a hundred types  (or is it a thousand?) fungus and bacteria that are living naturally in our bodies and on our skin. As long as we are healthy, these 'friendly' fungus and bacteria will help to inhibit the growth of 'bad' fungus and bacteria. Like how we take 'probiotics' that are good for our guts. But for now, I can't care so much la. I have done what I could. Used 'Lamisil Once', keeping my feet clean and dry. Just leave it to God and have trust in him that everything will be fine.. Worrying is not going to help me. Back to Stephen Fry. ...

Picked up this leaflet last week at the sexual health clinic. Leaflet _ Home testing trial Leaflet _ Home testing trial They are now recruiting study participants to trial HIV testing at home. There's even a website, so if you are interested in knowing more you can have a look there.  The test that's used in this study is the Oraquick test. It involves taking swabs from your mouth (not your saliva but tissue/lining inside your mouth. And it is an antibody-only test, unlike Alere Determine (involves pricking your finger for a few drops of blood) that tests for both antigen and antibody and it's also a rapid test. Having said that, it's still better than nothing right?  The nurse told me that they are having difficulty getting people to sign up for this study. I would like to sign up because I think there's no harm in doing so  and I know it's only a procedural thing for them to have this study to get it approved here in A...

11.21pm Sydney. 1st Jan 2013.  1st Jan 2014 is gonna end soon. (Notice the typo in the caption? Now I noticed it, but just let it be, it takes time i guess to train my mind to write 2014 not 13.)  StrictlyGay and Ultra Jinoman had each made their summaries of 2013.  For me, as you may already know, it would be quite painful for me to recall the major events. The best thing that happened to me was probably my family's visit to Sydney.  I can still remember how naive and innocent I was back then, in 2010 when I first arrived in Sydney. still very much a Kampong boy. Winter 2010 (June), perhaps still very innocent as a mummy boy or whatever you call it, I went home to spend the semester break. I was excited, I had so much to tell, I blabbered on and on, all the way from KLIA for 3 hours. I told them about the uni, how much better the lecturers here were, how life was different in Sydney, etc.  Fast forward to now, 2014. It's been almost 4 years...

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know...well now they know....Let it go...Let it go...Can't hold it back anymore...I don't care....what they are going to say.... Just noticed that I haven't written anything for more than a week! Feeling pretty sleepy now but hopefully I am still able to write down the happenings for the past week Went out with a few housemates to watch the Disney movie, Frozen today. It's the first day this movie is shown in Australia. Heard about it from a blogger few weeks ago and that it was good. I didn't grow up with Disney hence I am pretty dumb with the Disney stories. And I wasn't really into watching cartoons. For me, going to the cinema for a cartoon was pretty much a waste of money. But, Frozen was so so so awesome! I was deeply touched, by the singing, the lyrics, the graphics and most important of all, the story itself. As a gay, a closeted one, a gay that loves his family, a gay that is confused, a gay that ...

Secret Santa. Christmas gift 2013 to one of my housemates.  Had a test yesterday.  Went to the nearby Myer department store to look for a gift for the Secret Santa event at my accommodation. Budget was $10. Saw a lot of cute little inventions, most of them averaged around $20. Could have gotten something within budget but it wouldn't be as interesting so I decided to get this little duckling infuser. It's sightly over budget ($15) but it's worth the while because I think he likes it! (I think he still doesn't know that it's from me, he's also gay by the way) Gay much?  I got a box of chocolates, an assortment of mini mars bars, milky way, M&Ms, etc. To be honest, I didn't like it! I have been trying to avoid chocolates, so that I don't have to take in unnecessary calories. My chocolate quota is reserved for really down moments, when I really need to up my mood. But I still put up a smile la, my secret santa must be looking at me when I unw...

It's been a week since my last post! The week has passed by so quickly..Actually I am quite glad that it did. Nothing really exciting has happened really. I've been going to the gym on a more regular basis and my housemates have started to joke about it whenever they saw me leaving for the gym. During the week, I visited the community library just 200 meters away from home. Becoming a member is free and one is allowed to borrow up to 40 items. The collection there was surprisingly exhaustive though it's just a community library. I tried looking up for books that I had bought/read recently (Gaysia by Benjamin Law, Exposure by Michael Woodford) and they had them. I haven't been reading a lot (fictional books I mean) and it's been a really long time since I stepped into a library looking for a book to read for pleasure. I didn't know where to start. There were so many racks and shelves and with only the spines of the books displayed, I found it really har...

Sleep was barely ok last night. Anyway, tried to live happy, it was a new day anyway. Got myself a Banana,Oat &Blackberry muffin and flat white (no photo taken).  After breakfast, went up to the balcony for some sun. Took the shirt off, allowed my back to face the sun for 10mins then turned to face the sun then turned back again. Trying to BBQ myself. But no visible tan in the end.  As I couldn't find anyone for lunch, I decided to not wait anymore and went to this cafe nearby my place.  I had tried the Iced Mocha here and it was super nice. They must have used espresso rather than fake coffee syrup, so it was very 'full-bodied'. When it comes to Iced coffee drinks, I always check with the barista to make sure that it's not fake coffee syrup that they are selling to me. What's the point right? I want my coffeee!!! They also topped the Iced Mocha with a scoop or two of vanilla ice cream, making it more creamy and smooth! (more calories...

Hello! I'm back!  Dear blog, dear stalkers, sorry for disappearing for the past week or so. Though I was lazy to write, I still read other blog posts almost everyday, they are great stuff to keep me company.  So what have I been doing?  I was being lazy in general. Quite addicted to playing DOTA actually.  I actually started to feel better, physically and mentally.  Had a few acupuncture sessions in the last few weeks, and with the help of Traditional Chinese Medicine, the feverish feeling has almost disappeared. I still feel some aches around my neck and shoulder area, but I would attribute that to lack of exercise. Just yesterday and today, my nose is a bit runny, just a bit, and the throat is dry. Hopefully it will get better soon. Maybe it's the weather? Better don't over-think.  I had a counselling session last Monday. Basically, the counselor asked me to stop getting tested because every time I get a test, I would super anxious ...

Though it's titled this way, you are still allowed to read it if you want to.  Thanks for dropping by, reading my mundane posts and spending that minute or two to leave me a comment or send me an email. Thank you.  The past few days have been quite 'peaceful'. At least, on the surface.  I had another test done yesterday and got the results today. It's all good and it's been 8 weeks.  The counsellor said that when one is irrational, he will still try to rationalise his acts/thoughts and try to make them look rational to himself. I am not sure if this is what I've been doing.  But as far as the test is concerned, there are a few reasons why I am still not 100 percent convinced.  1. I had taken some traditional chinese medicine, on and off, for a about ten days or so in total, after 28 days post the unprotected oral incident.  There were studies done and it was proven that some chinese herbs have anti-HIV properties. How much he...

Weekend just went passed quickly.  Saturday, I had Yoga, then lunch at nearby McD, took a long walk home.  Sunday, dim sum with Hx and his two other friends, lingered around in Chinatown a bit (hoping to see him), then church at night.  Dota and HK drama everyday.  Had Yoga again this morning. Had an appointment at the sexual health clinic today to see the counselor.  It's a he this time. Not cute, no fantasies. Don't even know if he's gay but I just assumed that he is so I didn't have to hold back but to tell him my encounters, worries, fears and my ex.  One hour was really not enough. Most of the time it was me talking and him listening.  I was at first worried that he wouldn't pay much attention to my stories since he's no one to me but a social worker and that I am not a good speaker.  But I was kinda impressed with his little summary at the end. It showed that he understood my situation.  I felt guilty ...

Today (Tuesday) is just another day, but I am thankful that it's been a peaceful one. Woke up quite late. So it's been like this recently with waking up. I will wake up around 7 to pee, then go back to sleep till 9 then wake up have breakfast, then sleep till 11 or 12. Probably it's a form of denial? I dun know.. So this morning the painters came in to do some painting job in the toilets. We were told earlier that they won't start till 9. But I woke up late. Had to shower before I can go out to hunt for food. So what did I do? I went to the girls' toilet! So in my place, the boys' toilets are downstairs and the girl's upstairs. Luckily not many were in the house. And no one was walking around upstairs so quickly dashed into one of the girls' bathrooms to shower. Don't know what will happen if someone saw me! Went to the city, to this 'Old Town' restaurant. It's a HK restaurant. Been there twice already. The food was ok, but th...

Had a test done today. It's the 38th day post the unprotected oral sex I had. The last test I had was on the 34th day. Because I am worried about the 'second diagnostic window' with 4th generation tests. It's something technical but not too difficult to understand. Since 4th generation tests look for both the antigens and antibodies, and antigens and antibodies 'neutralize' each other when they form 'complexes', there is a possible period during which detectable antigen level is low and detectable antibody level is also low. If you wan to know more you can google it. But with the newer, improved versions of 4th generation tests, the sensitivity for both antigen and antibody has been increased. Hence, further reducing the possibility of this already rare second window. I am kinda worried because of the diarrhea and gastrointestinal discomfort I had in the last week or so Besides that, my eyes are kinda red and dry. Just worried. Anyway, after ...