Life Too Gay

Secret Santa. Christmas gift 2013 to one of my housemates. 

Had a test yesterday. 

Went to the nearby Myer department store to look for a gift for the Secret Santa event at my accommodation. Budget was $10. Saw a lot of cute little inventions, most of them averaged around $20. Could have gotten something within budget but it wouldn't be as interesting so I decided to get this little duckling infuser. It's sightly over budget ($15) but it's worth the while because I think he likes it! (I think he still doesn't know that it's from me, he's also gay by the way) Gay much? 

I got a box of chocolates, an assortment of mini mars bars, milky way, M&Ms, etc. To be honest, I didn't like it! I have been trying to avoid chocolates, so that I don't have to take in unnecessary calories. My chocolate quota is reserved for really down moments, when I really need to up my mood. But I still put up a smile la, my secret santa must be looking at me when I unwrapped the gift so I didn't want him/her to be sad... I passed around the box so people could help me share the joy! 

By the time we finished the christmas dinner/party in the living room, it was already 10.30 or 11pm. I was feeling so tired, I was even having a little bit of headache because I had to wake up early yesterday to do all these things... 

Though I was tired, my brain just refused to shut down as soon as I wanted it to be. So there was this sudden moment of reflection...

It's a reflection on how my life has become, over the last two years, throughout this year, and how it has become recently. 

I think I AM TOO GAY... 

I am not joking. 

I believe I was born gay. When I was in high school, the most sinful/gayest thing to do was to secretly download gay porn. And secret hook-ups with strangers. Just a few super discreet encounters.   

I was able to live through my very independent 2 years in Subang, without a smartphone (probably wasn't very well marketed or developed back then), so no Grindr or jackD. I was lonely, but I was less gay I think. There were sexual encounters, but that didn't affect my regular life as a student/ perceived-to-be-straight-life when I was with my friends. 

I didn't spend the whole day checking guys on Grindr/ JackD, nor was I actively looking for a BF. I didn't know much about STDs, hence no worries about getting infected. 

I read some gay blogs occasionally, if I was horny, there was 'Sgboy'. If I was trying to know more about the lives of other gays, I would read 'Simonlover83' and then from there, I would click on the links to other gay blogs such as 'StrictlyGay' and some other blogs that I have forgotten their names because they have stopped writing. 

Even after I came to Sydney, being in a 'Western' land where homosexuality is more 'tolerated', I didn't have too many sex in my first year, maybe two guys? I did very well in my first year, I worked, I was excited being in a foreign land, I was lonely, but days went by very quickly, and I spent my nights doing homework/revision/skyping my family. 

Towards the end of my Second year in Sydney, I met KK and his partner. Actually I met his partner first online. Then they invited me to their place, and then we became friends. Friends without benefits. Still love them. I see them more like my family members now. 

Beginning of third year, I dated two guys. I was very naive. Not knowing much about sex or love. These two flings ended quite quickly. I didn't feel bitter because we stopped seeing each other. There was no love, I was very sure. Life went on. 

In April 2012 (my third year), I met my ex. I felt that I was in love. 

In April 2013, we officially broke up. 

On 5th May 2013, I got myself PEP. I thought my life was over. 

From then till now, I have had a few more sexual encounters. Each followed by weeks and months of constant fears and worries that I will get infected by HIV. Though most of them were protected sex, except for oral. 

I made a lot of visits to sexual clinics. During these few months, I started to join the Asian Tea Room event. I pay closer attention to news affecting the welfare of LGBTIs, here in Australia and in other parts of the world. I tried to look for answers, to reconcile my religion (Christianity) with my sexuality. 

These days, I would spend a lot of time, almost an addiction, checking my iPhone from time to time. Checking for hot guys that are on JackD and Grindr. Checking out at hot guys on the bus, on the streets. Watching porn. Hoping that I would get a nice bf. Feeling uncertain about my future....etc. 

I feel that I am gayer now. 

I hope I can stop thinking about this gay thing. Someone said that love will appear when you least expect it. 

If I stop grinder/jack'd, if I'm really able to..( I tried), then how am i going to meet the one? 

I don't go clubs. i don't have many gay friends. 

Does the old-fashioned way still work? (love in first sight when you see some random strangers on the street?) Keep in mind that gays only constitute about 10% of the population. How possible is this?