1st Day of 2013

11.21pm Sydney. 1st Jan 2013. 

1st Jan 2014 is gonna end soon. (Notice the typo in the caption? Now I noticed it, but just let it be, it takes time i guess to train my mind to write 2014 not 13.) 

StrictlyGay and Ultra Jinoman had each made their summaries of 2013. 

For me, as you may already know, it would be quite painful for me to recall the major events. The best thing that happened to me was probably my family's visit to Sydney. 

I can still remember how naive and innocent I was back then, in 2010 when I first arrived in Sydney. still very much a Kampong boy. Winter 2010 (June), perhaps still very innocent as a mummy boy or whatever you call it, I went home to spend the semester break. I was excited, I had so much to tell, I blabbered on and on, all the way from KLIA for 3 hours. I told them about the uni, how much better the lecturers here were, how life was different in Sydney, etc. 

Fast forward to now, 2014. It's been almost 4 years. I, am a very different person I guess. Wiser? Maybe. There are so many things that I can complain about the university, the lecturers, the Australians. But ironically, I am not really homesick. 

Saw the dots on my calendar? I will be home in 3 weeks' time. 

Speaking about home, going home, the feeling is somewhat different now. Back then, while I was still as clean as a piece of unused Double A 80g paper, I would be so full of energy. Skype conversations with parents and aunts, in the weeks preceding my return, would always be filled be exciting topics about things to do, to eat, things to buy for them, etc. 

Now, I dread to think about going home. Not because I don't miss or don't like seeing them. I am still afraid. I am still worried. What if I'm not 'clean'? What if the test will turn positive before I leave for home? What if I get sick at home? Will I be as worried as last year and ruin the atmosphere? 

Not long after I started this blog, I got myself into PEP. Not long after PEP, I did the same mistake again (by allowing my urge to take control over me and did sth that I regretted afterwards). I had tests, I repented. But somehow, I allowed myself to be in the same situation again, and again, and again. 

I am sick of it! One good thing about keeping a blog is certainly how it reminds me about my stupidity, my helplessness... 

Instead of waiting for someone to pull me up from this black hole, I know I got to somehow help myself. I know the basics (get more friends, hang out with them more, focus on studies, put relationship or sex till later....), but the first day of 2014 doesn't seem to be very different from yesterday. So i guess I just let myself to be as helpless as yesterday? 

Before the countdown yesterday, during my Skype conversation with my parents, I commented that celebrating the new year and the counting down is not really important and that people shouldn't be so excited about it because time is a spatial thing, it just so happened that that particular mili second of the time was regarded as the first mili second of 2014 and to be excited because of it seemed a bit stupid to me. 

Having said that, I guess I couldn't hide the fact that I was actually quite excited about it. Perhaps I am just mortal after all. As a human being, I still hope. There's finally a 'mark' to mark the end of the rather disastrous 2013 for me. With the coming of the new year, we always hope that it would be better than the last,  and we hope, and we come up with resolutions. 

I could see the fireworks from the balcony at my place. I was there last night with some housemates and their families. 

I was 'alone' watching it. Not as spectacular as last year's. Perhaps it's because it's the second time I was watching it and fireworks just couldn't be more different? Or was it because I had someone with me last year to watch it together? And perhaps back then I thought I was in love?

There were 2 happy new year messages that I didn't want to reply to. One's from my ex and another one from his friend. I don't hate them but probably I just don't want to have too much to do with them anymore? Probably to some of you it's no big deal, but to me especially, and from them especially, I just couldn't reciprocate. 

As of now, I still hope. Here's a list of things that I hope for:

1) I want to remain healthy, with no worries about health anymore. Hopefully things would clear up for me ASAP. (That means no more sex, no more worries and hopefully more negative results to assure myself from now till i go home) 

2) Be a diligent and smart and confident student again, like I used to be. Complete my degree with excellent results. 

3) Hope less and use less of Jack'D and Grindr. Explore other means of knowing gay friends. 

4) Care for my family more, like I used to be. Participate more in their lives, through Skype and whatsapp. (Should really get my aunt a smartphone or tablet)

5) Be a more genuine person, don't be afraid to share and open up. Maybe come out to someone? 

6) Gym regularly not just when i feel like it. (So every gay blogger has got this in their lists?)

7) Go and visit more of Australia. Have been to Melbourne and Canberra only!!! Seriously!!! 

8) Oh yea, maybe less Dota? Not sure about this...is gaming actually helping my coordination? Or is it giving me more topics to talk to people?