Recovery?

6.50pm now. It's till very sunny outside, the sky is clear and blue. As it's summer now, it only turns dark at around 8.30pm.

I just had a nap. It's been such a long time since the last afternoon nap. Don't know why. Not that I don't have the time now, perhaps the routine, the habit somehow got messed up.

It was quite a deep nap. Kept getting dragged back into the dreams when i tried to wake up.

Last week, at work, Carol asked me if I was ok now. Without too much of hesitation, I managed to say 'yes'. I didn't want to talk about it i guess.

Today, on the phone with a uni staff talking about recommencing my studies in the coming semester, she asked 'are you sure you're ok now? let us know if you have any issues as early as possible...'.

Again, I said I was ok and ready to start everything again.

Actually, I don't know if I'm truly ok. I haven't been doing my project for half a year now. I probably lost the ability to concentrate as I did allow myself to slack so much during the past 6 months. I play Dota when I am free, and am now reading fictional books, blogs, Facebook, news. Nothing academic. Will I be able to cope?

Also, physically, though I have been going to gym regularly in the last 2 months at least, I am not feeling like I am at my best state. I am not gaining weight, as what the weighing scale and the mirror have been telling me. For a person who is active, sleep shouldn't be a problem right? But my insomnia has worsen, though I have been trying to stay optimistic and finding excuses for myself for the episodes of insomnia, blame it on the computer, the temperature, the overactive mind, etc. I feel tired throughout the day, from the moment i wake up till i finally fall asleep again.

Do I have a cancer now??? Tell me! I am so frustrated like seriously! Can someone give me an answer??!!

I have lost 6 months. I want to 'restart', I want this year to be better. But there's only so much I can do.

Maybe my gene is fucked up! I don't have energy. I said to Carol that I look more sick than John who is recovering from prostate cancer.

I am trying. I sorted things out (uni, money, visa), trying to get a dental appointment, reading books, going out, etc....But why do I still feel like shit?!

Even eating grapes makes me worried. Because it's antiviral. Because I am afraid it will give me a false negative result if I do hiv test.

Got a minor cut on my forearm. Don't know how and when I cut myself. Maybe in the gym? Immediately I got worried. What if it's a MRSA infection? It's rare I know. But I couldn't help but to get worried if it's to do with my health.

I am so afraid something will go wrong with my health because I can't afford to be distracted by health concerns anymore. I need to be perfect this year..