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Internal conflicts

Feeling pretty tired at the moment, but will try to write about what I did today (technically yesterday, Monday).

Went to see my counselor this afternoon. I told her about the sauna, the sex that took place a few days ago. I found it harder to speak to her this time, because I felt disgusted about myself. It's similar to how I felt when I confessed to God. Just imagine, you promised someone and yourself that you wouldn't commit the same thing again, but then you failed. You asked for their forgiveness, you found an excuse for yourself that you were weak and vulnerable. And you repeated the same thing, over and over again. It is disgusting.

I'm feeling shitty about myself. She pointed out that I kept describing myself as a slut, as a sinner, as being promiscuous.

She said she didn't see me this way. She said she couldn't understand, why then did I do it again, if I said I hate to do it. It didn't make sense to her. It didn't make sense to me either. I didn't know why the hell did I commit the same thing again!

As I was putting my feelings and thoughts into words during the session, I came to realize that I am facing two, not just one conflict.

Putting religious beliefs aside, there's the health concern. Having casual hook-ups, visiting saunas, increases the risk of getting STIs. I knew the risks. I promised myself not to go there again, but then I failed.

And, on the other hand, there's God, there's my religion. I wouldn't be what I am today without God. I love God. I wouldn't give up my religion. It was so hard for me, but it got better when I started to get to know that possibly, very likely, that the Bible has been interpreted in a biased way against gays, and that God loves gays. But I couldn't accept the fact that I am being slutty, having casual hook-ups. I know a lot of you who are reading this may disagree, I respect your views, which may be very different from mine.

But it's the constant failures I had that made me feel really really shitty. With or without religion, I couldn't reconcile my actions with my beliefs.

I know it's useless to keep feeling bad. I need to grow, I need to move on. But I am really not confident about myself. I am feeling so weak, and so dirty.

The counselor said I am a smart guy, I know what I need. I told her that I should stop watching porn, I should make more friends, go out more, so that my life will be too full for anything foolish. How ironic. Smart? I couldn't control myself and kept putting myself at risk and in guilt.

I really hope that I will see the light soon, to find the right fit the right path to continue my journey as a gay Christian, as a young man who wants to have a healthy life, a healthy relationship.


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Comments

  1. soul232July 16, 2013 at 12:52 PM

    yeah u are smart but overcoming temptation takes more than a brain. It needs conviction and a lot of helps from external while u're trying to build one.

    U said urself, try to go out and meet people, ur friend. If u dont have time for it, u wont be able to do it *hugs*

    p/s: i like ur current blog layout mroe than previous one. not too crowded and messy =P haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. untold stories July 16, 2013 at 1:06 PM

      Yes, I prefer the current one too...Sometimes I couldn't load comments with the previous layout

      Delete
    2. soul232July 16, 2013 at 1:09 PM

      I know right! previous layout, i have to read ur blog using firefox, then only can load the comment section. so tedious. haha

      Delete

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