My Progress So Far

In my previous post, I made a list of the things that I wanted to do, in order for me to start thinking and feeling positively.

I have moved into this brand new studio apartment. I have also been cooking up a storm. I could now simply heat up my food when I get home from work, without having to rely on expensive take-away meals.

However, I haven't been able to tick off items 3-5 yet. The apartment could be tidier. I have no one to invite over for meals. And lastly, item number 5, I don't think it will ever happen.

Couple of weeks ago, after moving in, I texted Jay. I asked if it was possible to have a conversation. I told him I wasn't being emotional, I simply wanted to talk.

He declined. And my last text to him was: "I have given you 10 months".

Recently, on Facebook, I discovered videos made by a lady called Xandra Ooi which I found highly helpful and inspirational. She would end each video with ".... be happy, always".

Her ideas made total sense to me, but practising them is not easy.

I acknowledged that my happiness should not depend on someone other than myself. I kept reminding myself that I should not expect anyone, especially Jay, to make me happy or to pull me out  from my sorrow.

I realised that it has to be me, myself to accomplish this, to be happy.

I told myself that it is all about how I perceive, how I think.

My mind and heart should be strong. I need to be brave enough to let go...

I should not see myself as a 'victim', instead, I should always remind myself how abundant my life is, how blessed I already am.

I think I have made some progress.

But at the same time, it seems that I have underestimated the difficulty of recovering, of letting go.

Is it because I had loved him so much more than he had, hence it is so much harder for me?

Why do I still have random dreams about him?

I have met him at several social events recently. I avoided eye contact at all costs. We never talked. Why should we? Why would he want to? He seems to have made a full recovery, and is already in another relationship.

I realised I still struggled to breathe every time i saw him. I was conscious about the difficulty of breathing calmly. And it consumed a lot of my energy for the rest of the day, in order for me to resume my day-to-day life.

Really, what should I do? What wrong have I committed so badly that it seems I am forever cursed to suffer?

And coupled with another big issue of 'finding your purpose in life'; I am seriously lost.

The only path, the only way forward that I could rely on to carry on my life, is work. It keeps me going to a certain extent.

At least i know that on Mondays to Fridays, I have to get up to go to work. I know I have to eat at lunch time. I know I got to do things well. I know I got to think about promotions or career advancement in general.

As for the more important issues in life- to be happy, to love and be loved, to have a purpose; I don't quite have a clue yet.