Right now, I am falling to pieces.
Everything. Every single thing in my life seems to have fallen apart.
Jay called me and asked for 30 mins of my time tonight. He drove over. I went downstairs and we talked in the car.
To be honest, I wasn't expecting him to be blaming himself for everything, say sorry, and ask for my forgiveness. That would be too ideal.
Actually I didn't even know what to hope for when he called me. I proclaimed yesterday that I am single again. I have plenty of reasons to leave him for good. In fact, I have too many.
I guessed when he called me asking to come over tonight, I was hoping for some peaceful closure.
I tried very hard to keep the emotions inside. I tried to act cool. Showing contempt even. Acted as if I didn't really need the apology he offered. Acted as if I had achieved self-actualisation and 'love' was something I didn't care about.
He started off by apologising for the pain that he caused in the past few weeks. It was quickly followed by qualification though. He said he apologised but he actually still couldn't convince himself that it was mostly his fault. After that, he told me he 'identified' the main problem between us. That I was a receiver and that he was a giver. He said he came into my life when I needed help, and from that point onwards, this relationship was set on the wrong path, a path doomed to fail. He added that he read about the 6 toxic habits in a relationship and he thought we had all of them.
I disagreed with him.
He then moved on to say that he saw many similarities between this relationship with me, and my previous relationship. The subtext was again, that I am the fountain of all evil. He pointed out some of my tendencies in a relationship. I felt offended.
He finally revealed his purpose of visit. He wanted a closure. He had decided firmly that he wanted to leave me. He even packed everything I had with him into a big bag and brought it with him tonight.
He told me he's happier being single now. He longer has to feel guilty for going out with his friends. He told me he enjoyed the fact that he could do whatever he wants with people he decides to meet. He said he was wrong to have looked at me negatively, when I first told him that I had sex with strangers. He said he had learned to see 'it' differently. I think he was trying to imply that he is now willing to have sex with strangers, now that he is single.
I wonder why he had to tell me that. To hurt me? I think so.
I came back up with the big bag he packed me. He wanted to come up to get his stuff. I said no. I didn't want to go through the wardrobe initially, but I thought, why not, it would crush me when i see it in the future. I am soon going to move. So I simply picked up whatever i saw that's his.
I went down to pass him the stuff, and I quickly turned and walked away.
This may very well be my last time seeing him. I mean seriously. As I am typing this, my hands are shaking.
I quickly walked away not because I am a heartless person. Not because I didn't want to perhaps hug him or whatever. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't display any weakness. I needed to complete my act tonight. As if this love thing didn't bother me at all. As if I could just sleep and forget about the person that I once loved so dearly.
Is this how humanity is supposed to be like? What is real love? How long does it last?
The first relationship, when it was ending, and finally ended, I was crushed. I thought I was never going to be able to love someone anymore.
I was blocked off in every possible way. I walked miles, literally miles. Relied on Jack'D's GPS tracking to try to figure out where the ex was. I had to walk in different directions, refresh the app, walk, repeat. After a whole afternoon of that, I still had no clue where the ex was. He was doing an internship in North Sydney back then.
Enter this second relationship, he ticked off so many boxes. Though I had always imagined bringing the ex back to see my family, and I actually did, this second one, I was even surer that my family would like him. He's a husband material. (I find this such a strong word, and finally I am being so honest about my feeling towards him now).
When we had sex, it was always so good, so intimate. I never felt as if I was treated like a piece of meat.There was the connection. We checked to make sure we both felt good.
But cracks started to appear. And this was what I told him tonight. I said the underlying problem I faced in this relationship was that I never got the attention and care I needed. I felt like I was orbiting around him. Trying to get in sync with him. On the other hand, he was the centre of his own universe. There were the family star, the friend A star, friend B star, dog star orbiting around him.
He has a 'successful' and happy life. His life is healthy and well balanced. He goes out with friends, live with his family, and has a dog. Me on the other hand, ceased maintaining my friendships, living alone with family thousands of miles away. I have no job security, and I am still learning how to do my job properly.
I needed him more than he needed me. That's the problem.
In defence, he told me not to forget that he was always the one driving to my place. That I should acknowledge the time spent travelling to and fro. I acknowledge and I appreciate that. But that, doesn't quite resolve the concern I have. Driving to my place , I appreciate, but I don't feel my insecurity can go away with that.
I have no inherent tendency to destroy people's friendships. I voiced my concern about his meet ups with his friends because I didn't feel secure in this relationship.
There was never the assurance from him that i was his closest confidant. He has never hugged me tightly and said "I love you so much", or "I can't live without you".
Instead what I felt and saw increasingly was that he enjoyed a night's gathering with his friends more than a whole weekend with me. I failed hands down.
I don't understand why he chose to deliver the confirmatory verdict tonight. He should know I am battling with a million things right now. Why now?
Earlier today, he emailed me and told me to try Melatonin supplements for sleep. I asked him tonight, "why didn't you just buy me a bottle and bring it for me tonight?" He said it crossed his mind, but I am "no longer that important in his life". And it was after this, he made his purpose of visit clear.
If I were to be able to produce a condensed version of my life. Like a "time-lapse" video you take on your smartphone. Isn't it ironic that just moments ago, I 'submitted' my body to him, trusted him, and we had amazing sex. Wasn't it not too long ago that we were so glad to have met each other in our lives?
Even if things didn't work out, why did we have to break up like this? Why did he choose now? Why did he say those things tonight? I know it's to a large extent my fault for acting like a bitch.
I really hope that deep inside him, he doesn't actually hate me and want me to have a mental break down. I hope despite all the not so good things that were said, he still sees me as more important than say, a stranger on the street.
I feel trapped, suffocated. I can't possibly call someone right now and expect the person to dedicate time and lend me his ears. After all, I am the one who did not keep up with maintaining my friendships. I also couldn't tell KK, or the ex. I fear being judged. Why did I fail again?
A real man, like those in the movies, might punch the wall or drink bottles of alcohol. But I can't punch the wall or drink alcohol. I can't call home and cry to my mum. I feel like there are pressures coming from every direction against me.
I need to organise moving. I need to schedule an inspection. I need to possibly apply for a suspension. Should I apply for a few months' break? I need to go home to see my family. I need to teach. I need to sleep well, and stay fit.
I can do it. I can...