Is Your Boyfriend on the Same Team As You?

It's almost 2 a.m. now but I couldn't fall asleep. There many things on my mind right now.

I was watching a TED video on pursuing your passion, doing what you could not Not do for you life, to hopefully prep my mind a little for my meeting with my supervisors tomorrow..

I am also thinking about my relationship, one that is fraught with many many issues.

One of the underlying issues I believe, is that he doesn't see/treat me as someone on the same team. 

There are quite a few examples that I can think of.

We are both into collecting frequent flyer points. We would share news about credit card sign up bonuses, best ways to maximise earning rates, etc. What I'd 'planned', or imagined was that one day, both of us, could fly in the business/first class together on a long haul, international flight. The image of us sitting next to each other, drinking and eating pretentious things like caviar, had been playing in my mind constantly since I got into this frequent flyer points thing. To me it was like a 'project' between the two of us, like we are a 'team', working towards a common goal together. But one day, he told me that he had transferred most of his points to his brother. Wow. Well, I would have done the same only if, for example, that my siblings needed the points so desperately for a flight ticket that they couldn't afford but they really needed that ticket. I wouldn't have given the points away for someone who is simply travelling for leisure. And he isn't that close to his brother anyway, at least that's what he's been telling me. But could I do? I wasn't in the position to tell him not to give it away.  I don't share the same blood as him. It's never appropriate for me to say anything in such contexts. And most importantly, it was only communicated to me after he had done it. Around that same time, Cathay Pacific tickets were on sale, so he bought it, and chose to travel by himself. I couldn't tag along because it was during the semester and I simply couldn't leave. I wasn't expecting him to include me for everything or to make sacrifices for me, but the lack of hesitation for him to do what's best for him astounded me.

Last year, I had the opportunity to attend a conference in Hobart, Tasmania. The accommodation for the duration of the conference plus the few days before and after the conference was sponsored. My air tickets were also free. On top of these, I had allowances for meals, coffee, etc. The timing was good. I figured that he could tag along and we could spend the weekend there before the start of the conference. This time, there was so much hesitation. He even told me he had to ask his mum?!?! I knew he didn't really want to go. I tried so hard in convincing him. I had to tell him how much of a good deal it was because the two of us got to travel together, with the price of one.

We used to go swim together. But we argued most of the time at the pool. I always complained how I felt as if we did not know each other, like two strangers just happened to be swimming in the same pool. He liked to do his own things. He would swim away. When we first started going swimming together, when I was still quite a beginner, he did not even offer to let me swim in front of him, just in case I drowned. As a kid, I had heard enough stories about how seasoned dragon boaters and swimmers were drowned. Yes, I may be a paranoid, but I still prefer not to risk it. If I was swimming in front of him, when I got to the other side the first thing I would do was to look back. But I had noticed that he would not do so if I was swimming behind him...

There are many other examples that illustrate the same thing. I don't feel like we are on the same team. I always envy couples who, wherever they go or whatever they do, show up and treat each other like they are on the same team. Like how people they hang out with will automatically reserve two adjoining seats for them.

Among his friends, the people he truly cares for, himself and me, I am forever the outsider, the interloper. And I wonder whether this is love-care-romance.