Skip to main content

Dutch apple cake

You just walked away...
Again
When I am most in need

Feeling really sad these few days. Falling asleep seemed impossible, for the last two nights I was only able to sleep until 5-6am. I'd then try to drag myself out of the apartment, trying to stay positive, but i know it's all fake. The positivity just isn't there. I couldn't concentrate. Regardless of how many 'happiness' TED videos I watched, or how hard I tried to meditate, I simply cannot breathe peacefully. I could feel it. I couldn't take a long breath. It's like you know crying might help but you just can't find a reason to cry. Nobody's died yet. Everything is just going on as per normal, on the surface at least.

I finally sent an email to my supervisors, telling them about the difficulties I am facing (the insomnia, the abdomen). They seemed empathic with their replies, but I will only find out what options I have until I meet with them on thursday.

I feel so empty right now. Like there's no real purpose of me being in this world. I am not suicidal, it is simply a reflection about everything... My work, my relationship. I have no one, literally no one that i can confide in. I feel so sorry for myself.

I went to Starbucks. Got myself a 'short' hot chocolate and a slice of 'dutch apple cake'. The warmth that radiated from the cup of hot chocolate in my hand felt so real, on a surprisingly cooler night in Sydney.

I think probably one of my life goals was to have starbucks breakfast everyday. It was something that I couldn't quite afford when I was still in college. But now, when I can actually afford to have it everyday, I don't actually want it anymore.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Progress So Far

In my previous post, I made a list of the things that I wanted to do, in order for me to start thinking and feeling positively. I have moved into this brand new studio apartment. I have also been cooking up a storm. I could now simply heat up my food when I get home from work, without having to rely on expensive take-away meals. However, I haven't been able to tick off items 3-5 yet. The apartment could be tidier. I have no one to invite over for meals. And lastly, item number 5, I don't think it will ever happen. Couple of weeks ago, after moving in, I texted Jay. I asked if it was possible to have a conversation. I told him I wasn't being emotional, I simply wanted to talk. He declined. And my last text to him was: "I have given you 10 months". Recently, on Facebook, I discovered videos made by a lady called Xandra Ooi which I found highly helpful and inspirational. She would end each video with ".... be happy, always". Her ideas made tota...
1 comment
Read more

How long is 20 months?

It's been almost a year since I last wrote. So what prompted me to write again? I still haven't gotten over Jay. He left in June 16? Yes, its now March 18. Shocking right,? How can someone, especially someone like me who can be so determined in my career and studies, who is so rational in all other material aspects, fail to marshal the power to put an end to it. I wanted to write, to remind myself how much time has passed, as his second birthday post our breakup is coming up. Last year, I mailed him a gift and a card. There was no reply. He finally agreed to meet over lunch about half a year ago? I texted him on a monthly basis to say hello. He would give me a simple reply if he felt like it. There was this perpetual urge to see him, to talk to him. I took photos of the baked goods I made. I used the 'save' feature on Facebook to save cute or funny videos. I hoped one day I would have the opportunity to show him all these. How foolish. I noticed I did ...
7 comments
Read more

The "Emergency Contact"

Got a letter from the insurance company this morning, confirming that my conditions are not 'pre-existing'. Glad that they are willing to pay for my colonoscopy and endoscopy (with an 'excess' of $500, which means I would have to pay for the first $500 in a calendar year for any claims I make).  I called the clinic quickly to make an appointment for the procedures. The earliest they have is this Wednesday, so I will be 'admitted' this Wednesday afternoon.  The lady over the phone said that I must arrange for someone to bring me home after the procedure because I will be sedated (as opposed to anaesthesia) and under NSW laws it is a requirement that I go home accompanied.  I can't think of anyone really. No family, no friends, no one, just me alone. I told her I have no one that I can ask. I wondered what she thought, poor kid maybe. Fortunately, there is a specialised cab service that I can hire to escort me home.  Then, there was the pre-admi...
4 comments
Read more