Skip to main content

How would I spend my Valentine's?

Tomorrow is Valentine's. I didn't plan, not because i didn't want to plan but because I have been too busy and stressed these days. 

I hate big days. Christmas never worked out for me, nor did CNY, my birthdays, mother's day, father's day. Somehow I feel like I am cursed. 

There was a year, mother's day. I bought a tub of ice cream (too young, so I asked my dad to bring me to the supermarket to buy it). I kept it at the freezer. I already had a plan. I wanted to 'present' it to my mum that night. But when I went to have my afternoon nap, my mum opened it and ate some of it. To me at that time, the gift wasn't perfect anymore. I was upset and angry and I told my mum that she 'stole' the ice cream because technically it wasn't hers yet. In the end, we were both upset. 

My birthday. I have stopped celebrating/stopped hoping that someone would surprise me on my birthday for a very long time. Very frankly, all I would wish for on my birthday every year is to have a peaceful day. A day without disappointment, without drama, without tears. And in order to have no disappointment, one has to have no expectation. I have totally mastered it. 

I am so good at ignoring birthdays to the extent that I would feel very awkward if on my birthday, someone announces it to other people. I also don't know how to react if someone decides to throw me a party. And by the way, I would not say happy birthday to people, and this includes my friends, my family. Thinking of it now, it feels kinda sad. Sometimes I wish i could stop questioning the rationale for celebrating one's birthday. I hope I can simply embrace celebrations and be happy. 

It's my very first time not going home for CNY. Because of work deadlines, I decided not to go home this year. I had also dreamed of celebrating CNY, having reunion dinner at my significant other's place. To me, it's a form of recognition. But again, big days really don't work for me. We had another fight even on CNY's eve, and I almost didn't make it to joining him and his family for the dinner. It's not just a 'dinner' to me...

Another fight tonight. Tomorrow is Valentine's. 

And maybe he doesn't care about me. CARE is a big word to me. It's the 'lynchpin' of a relationship to me. 

I hope I would wake up tomorrow morning forgetting that it's valentine's. I hope I have time to go see the gastroenterologist to done a colonoscopy and endoscopy to make sure I don't have cancer. I hope I can sleep at night. I hope I don't feel depressed. I hope other than my family, I will eventually find the person who truly cares about me, about my health, about my feelings, about my work. 

Because after all I still believe that I am a kind person, even if you think otherwise. 

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The "Emergency Contact"

Got a letter from the insurance company this morning, confirming that my conditions are not 'pre-existing'. Glad that they are willing to pay for my colonoscopy and endoscopy (with an 'excess' of $500, which means I would have to pay for the first $500 in a calendar year for any claims I make).  I called the clinic quickly to make an appointment for the procedures. The earliest they have is this Wednesday, so I will be 'admitted' this Wednesday afternoon.  The lady over the phone said that I must arrange for someone to bring me home after the procedure because I will be sedated (as opposed to anaesthesia) and under NSW laws it is a requirement that I go home accompanied.  I can't think of anyone really. No family, no friends, no one, just me alone. I told her I have no one that I can ask. I wondered what she thought, poor kid maybe. Fortunately, there is a specialised cab service that I can hire to escort me home.  Then, there was the pre-admi...
4 comments
Read more

My Progress So Far

In my previous post, I made a list of the things that I wanted to do, in order for me to start thinking and feeling positively. I have moved into this brand new studio apartment. I have also been cooking up a storm. I could now simply heat up my food when I get home from work, without having to rely on expensive take-away meals. However, I haven't been able to tick off items 3-5 yet. The apartment could be tidier. I have no one to invite over for meals. And lastly, item number 5, I don't think it will ever happen. Couple of weeks ago, after moving in, I texted Jay. I asked if it was possible to have a conversation. I told him I wasn't being emotional, I simply wanted to talk. He declined. And my last text to him was: "I have given you 10 months". Recently, on Facebook, I discovered videos made by a lady called Xandra Ooi which I found highly helpful and inspirational. She would end each video with ".... be happy, always". Her ideas made tota...
1 comment
Read more

Life Too Gay

Secret Santa. Christmas gift 2013 to one of my housemates.  Had a test yesterday.  Went to the nearby Myer department store to look for a gift for the Secret Santa event at my accommodation. Budget was $10. Saw a lot of cute little inventions, most of them averaged around $20. Could have gotten something within budget but it wouldn't be as interesting so I decided to get this little duckling infuser. It's sightly over budget ($15) but it's worth the while because I think he likes it! (I think he still doesn't know that it's from me, he's also gay by the way) Gay much?  I got a box of chocolates, an assortment of mini mars bars, milky way, M&Ms, etc. To be honest, I didn't like it! I have been trying to avoid chocolates, so that I don't have to take in unnecessary calories. My chocolate quota is reserved for really down moments, when I really need to up my mood. But I still put up a smile la, my secret santa must be looking at me when I unw...
13 comments
Read more