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How would I spend my Valentine's?

Tomorrow is Valentine's. I didn't plan, not because i didn't want to plan but because I have been too busy and stressed these days. 

I hate big days. Christmas never worked out for me, nor did CNY, my birthdays, mother's day, father's day. Somehow I feel like I am cursed. 

There was a year, mother's day. I bought a tub of ice cream (too young, so I asked my dad to bring me to the supermarket to buy it). I kept it at the freezer. I already had a plan. I wanted to 'present' it to my mum that night. But when I went to have my afternoon nap, my mum opened it and ate some of it. To me at that time, the gift wasn't perfect anymore. I was upset and angry and I told my mum that she 'stole' the ice cream because technically it wasn't hers yet. In the end, we were both upset. 

My birthday. I have stopped celebrating/stopped hoping that someone would surprise me on my birthday for a very long time. Very frankly, all I would wish for on my birthday every year is to have a peaceful day. A day without disappointment, without drama, without tears. And in order to have no disappointment, one has to have no expectation. I have totally mastered it. 

I am so good at ignoring birthdays to the extent that I would feel very awkward if on my birthday, someone announces it to other people. I also don't know how to react if someone decides to throw me a party. And by the way, I would not say happy birthday to people, and this includes my friends, my family. Thinking of it now, it feels kinda sad. Sometimes I wish i could stop questioning the rationale for celebrating one's birthday. I hope I can simply embrace celebrations and be happy. 

It's my very first time not going home for CNY. Because of work deadlines, I decided not to go home this year. I had also dreamed of celebrating CNY, having reunion dinner at my significant other's place. To me, it's a form of recognition. But again, big days really don't work for me. We had another fight even on CNY's eve, and I almost didn't make it to joining him and his family for the dinner. It's not just a 'dinner' to me...

Another fight tonight. Tomorrow is Valentine's. 

And maybe he doesn't care about me. CARE is a big word to me. It's the 'lynchpin' of a relationship to me. 

I hope I would wake up tomorrow morning forgetting that it's valentine's. I hope I have time to go see the gastroenterologist to done a colonoscopy and endoscopy to make sure I don't have cancer. I hope I can sleep at night. I hope I don't feel depressed. I hope other than my family, I will eventually find the person who truly cares about me, about my health, about my feelings, about my work. 

Because after all I still believe that I am a kind person, even if you think otherwise. 
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