I want to punch someone...

There's so much emotion inside me right now that I don't even know where to begin nor how to describe how I am feeling. I think my insides are shaking.

It all started at 6.30pm tonight, as I arrived at the venue for the asian gay men event. I did try to prepare myself for it. 'It' being what if I bump into Jay there?

I have shared with people around me about this asian gay men event. I simply thought it was a healthier and a more meaningful alternative to Jack'D/Grindr for gay men to mingle. I came to know about the event, and attended my first one three years ago.

I told my first about it, and even until today i still encouraged him to go. I told Jay about it, when we were deep in the relationship. But now, I am regretting it.

It is my safe-place to go to. It was me who told you about it. Those people there, they should me my friends. But now, you just appeared and fuck everything.

When I saw Jay there at the entrance, he saw me too, and during that split second, I turned and walked away. I didn't know what to do. It felt like I was just struck by an earthquake. I thought I had prepared myself for it, in the unlikely likely event that he is there, I would act like I have the heart of steel and pretend we never know each other and would never be interested in knowing each other. I thought about calling my friends and asked for advice on what to do. But eventually, I took several deep breaths and told myself that if I really am going to let it go, I should train myself to be 'above it'. I waited until he was led into the building, then only I contacted the person-in-charge to come and let me in.

There were way more people that I had expected. Perhaps it was today's topic (How to find the mr right) that attracted the crowd. There about 40 people who turned up. All asian gay men, some in singlets and shorts, some still in work shirts.

I had expected it to be unidirectional event- me hiding at the back, and listening to what the speaker says. But i was wrong, and it turned out to be quite an interactive evening. If I knew it was this interactive, I would have avoided it at all costs.

We were asked to randomly form groups of 4, then 6, then 5. After we formed groups of 5, we were told that we would stick with the other four people for the evening. It was awkward. For the entire evening, I made sure our eyes did not meet. When we were forming groups initially, I made sure I stayed away from him. Perhaps he was doing the same things too. I don't know.

I felt like there were millions of earthquakes and thunderstorms happening inside me. I wasn't able to enjoy the night at all. I think i looked really tensed. I wasn't laughing at the jokes as much. I was just really quiet, other than the obligatory small talks to make myself look less scary.

He was in a group next to mine.

I did so well at avoiding any eye contact with him.

I hated him. Yeah. There was hate. I don't why.

Oh, didn't I hear that you were already dating someone immediately after we fought. Oh, so now you are coming here to this friendly gay space that I told you about, to show to the world that you are a great person? And that I somehow is a loser, is the lunatic, the fountain of all evils and all problems?

How dare you?!

You remember how much you said you loved me when you dick was inside me? Oh, have you told someone the same thing and done the same thing with someone recently? Oh, so now you are ready to embark on your next relationship?

How about me? Did you ever see the good in me? ( I hope you remember it was me who told you about this very thing that you attended this evening!)

And you are betting now that I won't appear for the future events because you know how vulnerable my inside is right? You know I am pretending right? You know I would definitely lose this game. I would just disappear, go off the radar, be the unfriendly, socially awkward introvert. And you will be the super nice guy attending all future events and fish for your mr right!

Fuck this!

Seriously fuck this.

I am not going there to look for my mr right. It's disgusting. It's disgusting because I am not seeing my guy as something that I can shop for. It is not like if my pants get a hole, i go buy a new pair! I will and I have to wear the same old pants with the hole and that's how I see a relationship.

You can't put one down and the next day go and get another one. This is disgusting. I just can't see myself doing that.

I wanted to give something back to the community. That's why I volunteered for advisory groups. That's why I went tonight. I wanted to see how is this event being run now, as I was there three years ago.

I hope I could meet like-minded gay men who are interested in making meaningful connections and chat about gay social issues.

I really don't know what to do. So I have to give up going there? Because I hate you going there. Because I don't want to talk to anyone there who might think you are a nice guy. Because you are not. Because I hate you. I fucking want to punch someone.