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Teach me how to cry

It sucks.

For the past few nights I have been trying to cry to make myself feel better. But no matter how hard I have tried there's still no tears. 

I looked at the oldest photos I have on my iphone, those taken within the last two years. I have changed. The relationship had changed too. I have aged. My face was slimmer, I looked younger and more cheerful, or cuter. We used to take lots of 'sweet' photos together. Random photos u took of me. Naked,half naked. We would dine out together more on Friday nights. And we would take photos of the food AND of us, but then gradually, only photos of the food. 

I failed to cry maybe because I am afraid of being the 'stupid' one. "What if, actually you never quite liked/loved me?" "What if u thought I was ugly with my acnes?" "What if I was really standing in your way in the last few months, disturbing you when u perhaps had moved on and was dating someone when I kept texting you?" Or worse, "what if you did the most intimate act with someone else already?" 

This thought, that you might have had an intimate relationship with another man already, is like a knife making lacerations on my heart. And when I thought about it more, I wonder if it had been bothering u that I'm "unclean". I wasn't a virgin anymore when we met. How did u manage to accept that? Was it love? But even if it was love, it didn't last did it? 

I looked at myself carefully in the mirror tonight, naked. I thought I looked ugly. Maybe this is one of the contributing factors too. I imagine it's more bearable dealing with a cute/hot but demanding bf, compared to a fat/ugly and demanding bf. I should have had looked at the mirror more since the beginning. 

Then I stalked u on your instagram. I noticed u started following some hot guys there. Could one of them be your new bf now? That's a bit too soon isn't it? But then they are really hot. Maybe they may even have a better personality than me. That would have made them perfect, and on the contrary, made our separation even more legitimate. 

As I was walking home today, i was again thinking about u. Actually I have been thinking about u almost all the time. There's so much that I would like to tell you. I wanted to tell you that I'm finally free from Phd! We can have fun now! I won't be gloomy anymore! When I came across a recipe today, I thought I wanted to let you try my lunch box if I make something nice. 

I also wanted to tell you I'm really really sorry, and that I really really love you more than what you would believe. But I know there's no way of saying this to you. There's no good of saying this to you. What if you are already getting into a new relationship? I will just make it more difficult for u. Then u have to compare, and my existing records are so bad that I know I would lose for sure. 

I read somewhere online that you broke up for reasons. I hate how I feel so insecure because u failed to make me feel secure. Especially how u seem to value your friends more than me. I hate how you can be so stubborn. 

I checked the dating apps so often these days. But the hot guys there failed to distract me for long enough. Instead, I think about u even more. 

But I know I can't contact u in any ways otherwise u would look down on me even more. I wanted to pretend I'm the winner, I walked out of it with my chest up and i can't lie to myself. 

I even didn't wan to click on your LinkedIn because u would know. And I'm starting to think about all sorts of heart wrecking moments. What if one day I see u kissing a guy? What if I can't resist and call u and u tell me u just had sex with your new bf? 

What would I do? Revenge by going to have sex with random people? What would that do? It would only hurt me myself. Because most likely I know your heart is no longer with me. Not even a cell of your heart. Which is why I said to KK the other day that even if I died u wouldn't care. 


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