We Met Again

Finally, the day had arrived.

I got an email from Jay at 12.03am. I was thinking of emailing him earlier last night to 'remind' him of his promise to get in touch. I was glad that he got in touch with me as soon as the clock struck 12am.

He decided the time while I picked the place. We met at 2pm at a nearby cafe. I got a text from him saying that he already had lunch and that he was parking his car. He asked me to go ahead and have lunch first.

Food wasn't the priority today. To me, food only served the purpose of providing us a place to sit and talk.

It was the first time he saw me with my expensive sunglasses. No compliments, unfortunately.

I was trying really hard to suppress my feelings. Excited, happy, nervous, etc. I was determined to not let them show. So I had to put on a serious and cool face all the time.

It felt a bit awkward to talk. And I wasn't quite sure what were the right things to say. I didn't want to talk about 'sensitive' things. Same for him too. I think he was also trying to gauge what was OK to talk about.

Mainly, we both expressed willingness or rather eagerness to travel together for our Taiwan/Tokyo trip in 2 weeks time. Which is good. And it was time for him to go already, his parking was about to expire.

So I came home, showered again, and was resting on my bed. But I didn't feel like we had talked enough. I emailed him again (all other modes of communication still blocked), and told him that we still had other things which we didn't have time to talk about yet.

About 15 minutes later, he replied and said that he just finished swimming and asked if I wanted to have dinner. I quickly replied and said yes.

We went to a Shanghainese restaurant to have dumplings, and the queue was already forming. Got a number and waited outside the restaurant for about 10 mins, which wasn't too bad. Food was ok, but again, food's not the point today.

We had to share the table with a couple, so couldn't really talk much over the dinner.

After dinner, we decided to take a stroll around the neighbourhood. We were finally able to talk more. I was very surprised to find out that he came out to one of his best friends overseas. I was super surprised/excited/worried when he told me he came out to his sister too. I was 'worried' because at this point in our relationship, he would have very little good things to say about me to his sister. And I have been to his place and met his family for quite many times already. What would his sister thought about me now? A jerk who hurt her brother? And it's going to be super awkward in the future if I ever meet her again. Now she knows where her brother went all the time until late at night. She would never see me in the same light again... But I am really happy for Jay. It can only be a good thing to do, to come out, to let your true self be known to the ones who matter to you.

He drove me home after that. And we talked for at least another hour in the car. The atmosphere had lighten up a bit. We talked about how we felt, what we have thought about, reflected upon, since we last met.

30 days ago, after he left, he dropped this book in my mail box and asked me to read it. I find the book quite helpful. We talked about some of the reflections we had after the reading the book.

Outcome of today's meeting

1. We are going to the trip together. 

2. But, we are not in a relationship, not each other's boyfriend. 

3. We are not going to plan accommodation for the entire trip. We are going to arrive at a destination and decide how long to stay, and whether we are going to move to the next destination together. 

4. We decided that by just going back into a 'relationship' will not resolve the many problems we faced automatically, so there is no rush. 

5. We are free to use Jack'D (or any other apps), talk to people, meet people. But I made him to agree that he should, when asked about his relationship status, to make it clear at the outset that he's not strictly speaking, 'available'. 

I told him honestly about my feelings toward him, and my intention to be together with him again. He only said that he would not say it is absolutely impossible for us to get back together. But, he didn't say he really wanted to be back together. 

I think I am just going to give each of us more time. After all, we survived the 30 day challenge. I also feel like I have become more matured. 2 years ago, I would perhaps demand to be 'formally' back together. I always tend to see things in a Black OR White fashion. I don't like ambiguities, uncertainties. But I think perhaps that's not how everyone operates. Perhaps it doesn't matter whether it's 'right' or not, rather, what's more important is whether it works. 

I still have a lot of 'soul searching' to do for myself. I need to get to the 'core of my consciousness' (quoting the book). I need to be honest with myself, about what I really need and what I really want to achieve in my life. 

We talked a lot about coming out today. I have actually been thinking about my 'ex-friends' quite a lot lately. Ex friends, because I decided to 'ex' them. Because, I am constraining myself. There is a tendency with the friendships I have had in my life. I got really close with my friends, and up to a certain point, I started to distance myself from them. 

As we got closer, we would talk about relationships. And within friend groups, they would start to pair me up with other girls. Or, they would tell you more about their own relationships and ask for you advice, or ask you if you could relate to the problems they had. Things like these freaked me out. I gradually stopped getting in touch with them, or declined invitations to meet ups/gatherings. 

Jay made a good point tonight. We tried so hard to please strangers on the App, in the name of 'looking for friends'. We want to make friends with strangers because they are gays. Yet, at the same time, there may well be friends we already have around us in our lives. These friends that we already have may come from the same primary/high school as us, or are people that we met in university years. They may be colleagues. They may be friends' friends. They may be people who have come into our lives or inspired us in many different, but 'real' ways. They know so much about us already. They have seen us cried, did something stupid. They may also know and have met our families. The only thing that they haven't known yet, is our sexuality, is that we are gays. 

So why should I continue cutting ties with these people who are already in my life, while at the same time, trying to force connection with people that most likely care nothing about me, except to get my body?

I am searching for a target to come out to.