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Blue

Feeling so blue the whole day. 

I guess as I'm a 'new' on the app people are curious and some texted me. I should feel welcomed and maybe 'excited' that I'm still attractive on phone screens. But I didn't really care about those messages. I replied but I don't look forward to meeting or knowing any of them. 

Went to swim. Saw a few Korean guys around my age there. They seemed to be having lots of fun swimming together. I was there by myself. I remembered how Jay and I used to go swimming together and how we called people names secretly like titanic 747 a380. And that there was once when we couldn't hold it anymore under water and had to stop to laugh out. 

As I was pushing myself hard with my freestyle at the pool, I was thinking maybe I should tell the PT to not help me contact the local gay swim club. They train really hard and I was thinking maybe I am not up to par yet. I was also thinking what Jay would say if we were still together. He's never really into muscular bodies and he just would not go to the gym. I don't think he would be too supportive of me going back to the gym. 

I'm thinking of going back to him already. Maybe if I suck it up and apologise he would accept me back? I was just reading though some of the older posts I wrote about him. About how we started. What i thought about him when I first met him. 

I really like him. He would pull my chin towards him and kiss me. He would take my hand and put it on his lap when he drives. He would initiate kisses much more than I do. 

What should I do? 

Comments

  1. long back i recall leaving a comment on your blog, when you questioned things about him, i told you to read what you had mentioned about him on your previous blog posts, all the beautiful things both of you had done together...

    perhaps you've been a bit too hard on him ? the way you have described him, i feel he sincerely loves you...sometimes relationship won't be like fairy tale, there will be times when couples fight, and to be honest, ego can be a dangerous thing...you said you have interest in gym, and he doesn't, and i remember you said something about body fat percentage etc...not all guys are into fitness, and just because they're not into it, it doesn't mean they're not good, and just because you think he won't encourage you to go to the gym, it doesn't mean he won't allow you...in the end, it's a personal choice, some things can never be forced, i know expectations are there, but always remember, not all long lasting relationships have couples that share similar interest, some can even be the total opposites, yet they manage to love and care for each other pretty well...

    i say, go back to him, ask your heart, would you ever find anyone who would truly love you more than him :)

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