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At the Crossroads.

My first time buying a watch!


Whoa, it has been so long since I last blogged, since February.

I had spates of negative posts before I met him. And after I met him, things seemed to be so much better. Perhaps I only write when I feel bad, when I feel like I need to pen down my thoughts, to pause for a while, to reflect.

Since I met him, my life was finally back to 'normal'. No longer did I have to constantly look at my phone in anticipation of a notification from JackD, no longer did I have to worry about another sexual health check.

I had someone to talk to, about my inner feelings, my career, current affairs, etc. I had someone whom I could entrust my body to and truly enjoyed sex. There was company. But there were also expectations, probably too much.

How long have we (or had we) been together for? Hmm, > 1 year.

There were lots, and lots of arguments. I complained a lot, revolving around several issues. I don't have the energy to summarise those arguments at this point, maybe there isn't even a need to.

We were both at fault. It takes two hands to clap.

Arguments normally started about something really small. But I was normally the one who refused to let go of something that seemed to be inconsequential. And I would always say, 'it is through something small like this that shows', 'that shows you don't care', 'that shows you never listened'...

I don't know if we are taking a 'break' now, or has it already been 'broken'.

This time it started small again. It started a few days ago when we were having our daily call before bed. He didn't have anything to say to me if I also don't. I feel that it's always me who has to keep the conversations going. Ok, maybe he was just tired, or really had nothing to say. But at that point, I told him clearly that I didn't like the attitude, and that I was not impressed. The call ended.

The day after, negative emotions just kept getting built up. When we met for lunch, I questioned him again. I asked him why he would never get me things that I wanted. Like getting a cake for me when he came over, like giving me a proper massage (as opposed to kneading a dough hard and quickly for 5 mins), like getting me mooncakes (mooncakes have to be gifted in my opinion, not much point if I am to get them for myself, but I guess I need to this time), etc. In response, there were excuses. The conversation became heated, and I left him at the foodcourt and went back to work myself.

That night he called me and initially tried to be really nice, like a puppy. But i just refused to budge. And again it turned into an argument. And then now. I am sitting here typing this out.

There were just so many arguments. Is it me? Is it me + him? Is it mostly me?


Comments

  1. true love is something pretty hard to find, so treasure it, once lost, you may never get it back...

    all i can say is, don't point your finger at him, ask yourself, since you love him, have you fully accepted him as a human ? which means his flaws, and things he may never be good at...to be honest, nobody in this world is perfect, and fights tend to happen, i am not saying that relationships should be like fairy tale etc, but remember not to let your ego control you, and your anger as well, it's better not to call or message him when you're angry, because sometimes we might not be aware of words we speak, and at times they could hurt, so like i said, ask yourself, perhaps you're expecting a lot, i know expectations are always there, but to hope for something which you might not get will definitely lead to frustration...for example, not all guys are good in surprises, some need to be told in a nice manner, like if you wish him to get you simple things that makes you happy, tell it to him after making love, as in the bedroom conversation when both of you are in sync n happy...

    i hope things will get better for you both soon...

    live long and prosper

    - a.r.k -

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello a.r.k, thanks for your comment. I can only say "I know, I know these are the right things to do, but...".

      How does one actually see through imperfections? I know how to deal with some, but only some. Perhaps things that don't matter that much to me. Like I am not going to blame him for having 13 not 8 percent body fat. This may well be an imperfection for many, but I have no problem ignoring it.

      It gets harder when an 'imperfection' is to do with things I care.

      And when I realised I might have gone overboard it's too late.

      Delete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If you can't the negativity out of the way, it will eventually choke the relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is already choking both of us. How do you actually do it? How do you get negativity out of the way?

      Delete

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