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How Well Do You Know?

When it comes to the person that you love, with all your heart, how well do you think you know about him? Is he really the person that you think he is?

I was challenged a couple of times, especially in the last few weeks. I was confused, I still am.

I'm talking about my ex.

I still couldn't let go. People told me it's normal, given what I'm going through, it might be that I am like a drowning person looking for a piece of wood that's closest to me. Perhaps they were right. Perhaps the feelings that I am having toward him, are not really love, but because I am so used to telling him everything.

As mentioned previously, I told my ex about the unfortunate incident, soon after it happened when I was waiting in the emergency department. He did not come to me. He had no obligation to do so. During this period of time, we did meet up for a few times actually, but I didn't manage to hide my fears, my worries, and he didn't appear to care and was even annoyed because I wasn't displaying happiness despite the fact that he agreed to see me.

The only time when he contacted me was about a month ago, when I just finished class. He told me he was horny, but I told him I couldn't have sex with him. He said cuddle was fine. Anyway, the meet up was nothing more than a sexual thing, though we didn't have sex. I asked him how's he doing, he replied, 'can you please dun ask.'. He didn't ask how I was doing, obviously he didn't care.

For the past few weeks, I just couldn't not think about him. People kept telling me to forget about him. They tried to remind me how incompatible we were, how he didn't even treat me as a friend but as a tool for him to have sex. Yes, all they said were right. But I just couldn't convince myself.

It wasn't his physical attributes that attracted me in the first place. (Weird heh, for a gay) It was his positivity, kindness, empathy, and certain values that made me fell for him. He was caring. I used to stay over a lot at his place after uni, at night. And he always massaged me, though his willingness to massage me fell over time. He would spend time and come up with ideas to surprise me. His surprises always worked. Surprise home-cooked dinner, surprise home-spa, surprise laptop sleeve, surprise backpack. It's definitely not these material stuff that made me happy, it was his thoughts. I wasn't able to do the same. For instance, I got him the wrong birthday present. I spent more than an hour at the department store, but still failed to pick the right one.

Of course, there were many other little things that he did for me. Yes, so how could I be convinced of his recent attitude toward me? If he really has changed, then it must be me, it must be my wickedness that changed someone who was once so amazing. But if it wasn't me, did I fail to know him more clearly as a person?

Today, he texted me. I was thrilled. But that feeling didn't last as he said, 'I need something'. I knew what he meant. That was similar to the text I received a few weeks ago. So I replied, 'if that's really what you need, i'm sure you can get it from many others'. And he said 'fine'. That's it. Nothing more.

Have you got similar experiences? How did you deal with it? Let me know.

Comments

  1. That's awful but yea when men fall out of love they can change so very much from what they once were. Tragic as it is, that's life. We're all a little bit selfish after all. Perhaps some day if they have any semblance of a conscience they'll regret what they've done but as it stands its best to let go I reckon. But it's not easy, I know. :/

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes I feel as though I'm not a man (male). I'm so soft-hearted and indecisive, unlike other guys. It's just so hard to hate someone fully and long enough.

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