A billionaire
A guy who is more daring? (or is it called masculine?) (or actually mad?)
Who likes to surf, climbs the cliffs, jumps off from planes, etc.
Someone who is not afraid of this and that. Someone who is able to do what other DUDES do.
I wish I were someone who is ultra low-maintenance. Who is able to go on an overseas trip for several weeks with only a 7-kg backpack checked in as a hand carry.
Someone whose skin is innately antimicrobial, who doesn't need to carry 3-5 bottles of skin care products with them while travelling.
I wish I were someone who is super confident, who doesn't mind small things, who is insensitive in a good way, who is able to befriend virtually anyone.
Actually maybe just having some good Male, non-Gay friends. And say: Why not? I am just being normal, doing what other BLOKES do.
Imagine you have been together for almost a year.
Ok, fine, not 'you have been', it's ME.
Okay, so we have been together for almost a year now. We've had enough quibbles about his close girl friend, K. And in that Gang, there are K, and some other girls. I have met some of them, and at least heard about their names. Other than being jealous/angry/frustrated with how much time (or 'prime time'-Friday night, weekend) he chose to spend with these girls, or K in particular, I am actually fine. No Real Threat. Although I was skeptical about his sexuality, gay or bi, and potentially the 'past' between K and him that I didn't know of.
Tonight he became testy when I finally raised my concern to him, and he called me crazy.
I am back at home in Malaysia. We were texting each other on WhatsApp.
At first, I tried to drop some hints instead of going straight to the point.
Why? Because I didn't want him to feel as if I was sifting through his followers on IG and stalking him.
With this guy, it's too hard to not notice. He's been Liking all Jay's recent posts and Jay reciprocated.
I admit I am jealous. I am jealous that this rather good looking guy (from what I can see on IG) shares such intimacy with my bf publicly on IG.
I believe I do not have to officially 'like' Jay's photos on IG because to me, I am part of his life and largely those photos were taken with my knowledge. Also, I didn't want to make it too obvious by liking all his posts.
So who is this guy?
I don't know. I could see his name on his IG profile. But rather strangely, this person hasn't been introduced to me. I have not seen his face nor have I heard of his name.
He's not a stranger to Jay from what I can see. Worse, they share many interests. So many that I can list at least five things that they could do together happily without quibbles. Things that I may disapprove of.
Yet, I don't know him.
Is he one of the 'high school friends'? Was it his birthday? Did they go running together? Is he that guy that ...etc...
Did Jay intentionally avoid telling me about this guy?
He should know now which guy I was talking about.
We argued. I called him and he rejected my call twice.
He said I am crazy. I admit I might be overly sensitive. What I think is not OK is how he reacted, and how I feel about myself.
I think the way I approached it was OK. I still wouldn't want to confront him directly. I would still try to drop some hints here and there and hopefully he would tell me himself Naturally (but almost a year now?)
I feel as if I am simply not good enough. We have had numerous arguments about my choice to stay in the academia. I still feel bitter every time he talked about how exciting his 'friends' jobs were (maybe this guy is one of the 'friends'), working in the 'real world' instead of the much unrealistic academia.
As if what I do is incomparable, not as good, not as professional, etc. In despair, I remember saying to him that one day that I would rise as high as God permits and prove him wrong.
Yea, so I feel I am wanting in confidence. I am simply not good enough. Hence I am jealous, I am bitter.
I am just so sick of myself.
Yet, he said that what I said was offensive? Offensive what? I don't quite understand.
A guy who is more daring? (or is it called masculine?) (or actually mad?)
Who likes to surf, climbs the cliffs, jumps off from planes, etc.
Someone who is not afraid of this and that. Someone who is able to do what other DUDES do.
I wish I were someone who is ultra low-maintenance. Who is able to go on an overseas trip for several weeks with only a 7-kg backpack checked in as a hand carry.
Someone whose skin is innately antimicrobial, who doesn't need to carry 3-5 bottles of skin care products with them while travelling.
I wish I were someone who is super confident, who doesn't mind small things, who is insensitive in a good way, who is able to befriend virtually anyone.
Actually maybe just having some good Male, non-Gay friends. And say: Why not? I am just being normal, doing what other BLOKES do.
Imagine you have been together for almost a year.
Ok, fine, not 'you have been', it's ME.
Okay, so we have been together for almost a year now. We've had enough quibbles about his close girl friend, K. And in that Gang, there are K, and some other girls. I have met some of them, and at least heard about their names. Other than being jealous/angry/frustrated with how much time (or 'prime time'-Friday night, weekend) he chose to spend with these girls, or K in particular, I am actually fine. No Real Threat. Although I was skeptical about his sexuality, gay or bi, and potentially the 'past' between K and him that I didn't know of.
Tonight he became testy when I finally raised my concern to him, and he called me crazy.
I am back at home in Malaysia. We were texting each other on WhatsApp.
At first, I tried to drop some hints instead of going straight to the point.
Why? Because I didn't want him to feel as if I was sifting through his followers on IG and stalking him.
With this guy, it's too hard to not notice. He's been Liking all Jay's recent posts and Jay reciprocated.
I admit I am jealous. I am jealous that this rather good looking guy (from what I can see on IG) shares such intimacy with my bf publicly on IG.
I believe I do not have to officially 'like' Jay's photos on IG because to me, I am part of his life and largely those photos were taken with my knowledge. Also, I didn't want to make it too obvious by liking all his posts.
So who is this guy?
I don't know. I could see his name on his IG profile. But rather strangely, this person hasn't been introduced to me. I have not seen his face nor have I heard of his name.
He's not a stranger to Jay from what I can see. Worse, they share many interests. So many that I can list at least five things that they could do together happily without quibbles. Things that I may disapprove of.
Yet, I don't know him.
Is he one of the 'high school friends'? Was it his birthday? Did they go running together? Is he that guy that ...etc...
Did Jay intentionally avoid telling me about this guy?
He should know now which guy I was talking about.
We argued. I called him and he rejected my call twice.
He said I am crazy. I admit I might be overly sensitive. What I think is not OK is how he reacted, and how I feel about myself.
I think the way I approached it was OK. I still wouldn't want to confront him directly. I would still try to drop some hints here and there and hopefully he would tell me himself Naturally (but almost a year now?)
I feel as if I am simply not good enough. We have had numerous arguments about my choice to stay in the academia. I still feel bitter every time he talked about how exciting his 'friends' jobs were (maybe this guy is one of the 'friends'), working in the 'real world' instead of the much unrealistic academia.
As if what I do is incomparable, not as good, not as professional, etc. In despair, I remember saying to him that one day that I would rise as high as God permits and prove him wrong.
Yea, so I feel I am wanting in confidence. I am simply not good enough. Hence I am jealous, I am bitter.
I am just so sick of myself.
Yet, he said that what I said was offensive? Offensive what? I don't quite understand.
read your old post "creepy angel", read what you wrote n reflect on it, perhaps you're simply scared of losing him that unnecessary thoughts pop up in your mind, all i can say is, trust is everything, and don't simply assume, assumptions kill...you may assume something, but in reality, he actually loves you more than you could imagine...
ReplyDeleteso don't worry, be strong, have faith, take care and bless it be =)
Hi zerachiel thanks for dropping by! and for the kind words :)
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ReplyDeletehey! you're back! you shouldn't try to be someone that you're not. and wishing that you were, will only make it worse. accept yourself for who you are. if others can't accept it, its their loss.
ReplyDelete