The Untold Stories

Well, the title pretty much sums things up. Struggled to get out of bed as sleep again was poor. Told myself that "today will be better", "be confident", "be optimistic", etc. Study/work Got an email from the co-supervisor telling me that I do have some options with my enrolment. Spent some time sending an email to the admin centre, showered, and got ready to go out. Had lunch at my usual place. Believe it or not, I have been eating fried mee hoon + iced teh tarik for the last month or so, almost every single day, for lunch, even on weekends. I struggled to finish my plate of fried mee hoon.  I felt guilty not appreciating it as much as I could, but I simply didn't quite have the appetite. My mind was half frozen as sleep was bad. Got to uni, printed something to read, read the first two pages, and decided that I really couldn't do it. My mind was not digesting those words. Got a call from the admin centre and basically have the followi...

I had just finished reading a book last night. Because of what I do, I read a lot, but reading is limited to academic materials. I am picky when it comes to reading for pleasure. Harry Potter is still the best hands down. A book has to be able to sustain my interest. I don't have a favourite author, nor a genre. And every time I walked into a book store in the last 5 years at least, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choice, and ended up buying nothing. Last week, I googled for a book recommendation. I came across this book, entitled  When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi . It came out as the top 10 books to read now , across different websites. After having read the synopsis and a few reviews I decided the book was a must-buy. Paul, the author, has died, before the book was completed and published. He was an extremely talented neurosurgeon and neuroscientist, almost completing his residency and it was at the pinnacle of his career that he was diagnosed with lung ...

Monday Made the appointment for the procedures. Got told to start low-fibre diet. No fruits and vegetables. No wholemeal bread too.  Tuesday  Breakfast (2 scones and flat white). Started clear-fluid diet after that. Water, pulp-free juice (e.g. cold pressed apple juice as opposed to cloudy apple juice), coffee/tea without milk, jelly without fruit pieces (avoid red, purple jelly as they may darken the bowel), chicken broth.  Felt super hungry. Food looked so yummy yesterday. Food in TV shows, food on the street, all looked so good. I felt like eating them all. There were moments my brain signalled me to go get food, but within a second or two, another signal reminded me that I was not supposed to be eating anything.  I made a pot of chicken soup, basically just a whole chicken and some salt. Had to pour the soup over a strainer to get rid of the little bits and pieces of chicken skin.  At 7pm last night, I also started the Moviprep, a laxa...

Got a letter from the insurance company this morning, confirming that my conditions are not 'pre-existing'. Glad that they are willing to pay for my colonoscopy and endoscopy (with an 'excess' of $500, which means I would have to pay for the first $500 in a calendar year for any claims I make).  I called the clinic quickly to make an appointment for the procedures. The earliest they have is this Wednesday, so I will be 'admitted' this Wednesday afternoon.  The lady over the phone said that I must arrange for someone to bring me home after the procedure because I will be sedated (as opposed to anaesthesia) and under NSW laws it is a requirement that I go home accompanied.  I can't think of anyone really. No family, no friends, no one, just me alone. I told her I have no one that I can ask. I wondered what she thought, poor kid maybe. Fortunately, there is a specialised cab service that I can hire to escort me home.  Then, there was the pre-admi...

Talked to my supervisors today, and I think it went well. I watched two random TED videos tonight about 'love', and the videos defined 'love' in more or less the same way. You can say I love to eat cheese, and I love my boyfriend. What's the difference? The cheese is not going to love you back! It also doesn't bother the cheese whether you like it or not! But when it comes to love, real love,  it is the desire to be desired. We hope the person we love would also love us back . But I am doubting.

It's almost 2 a.m. now but I couldn't fall asleep. There many things on my mind right now. I was watching a TED video on pursuing your passion, doing what you could not Not do for you life, to hopefully prep my mind a little for my meeting with my supervisors tomorrow.. I am also thinking about my relationship, one that is fraught with many many issues. One of the underlying issues I believe, is that he doesn't see/treat me as someone on the same team.  There are quite a few examples that I can think of. We are both into collecting frequent flyer points. We would share news about credit card sign up bonuses, best ways to maximise earning rates, etc. What I'd 'planned', or imagined was that one day, both of us, could fly in the business/first class together on a long haul, international flight. The image of us sitting next to each other, drinking and eating pretentious things like caviar, had been playing in my mind constantly since I got into this freq...

You just walked away... Again When I am most in need Feeling really sad these few days. Falling asleep seemed impossible, for the last two nights I was only able to sleep until 5-6am. I'd then try to drag myself out of the apartment, trying to stay positive, but i know it's all fake. The positivity just isn't there. I couldn't concentrate. Regardless of how many 'happiness' TED videos I watched, or how hard I tried to meditate, I simply cannot breathe peacefully. I could feel it. I couldn't take a long breath. It's like you know crying might help but you just can't find a reason to cry. Nobody's died yet. Everything is just going on as per normal, on the surface at least. I finally sent an email to my supervisors, telling them about the difficulties I am facing (the insomnia, the abdomen). They seemed empathic with their replies, but I will only find out what options I have until I meet with them on thursday. I feel so empty right now. Li...

As I was scrolling down the list of old posts, I found  A Little Summary  of my life that I had written about 18 months ago. I want to do another 'little summary' now. I am almost a year into my PhD. When the last 'little summary' was written, I had just completed the Honours year. Honours was really hard, even on hindsight. I don't have much memory of it, probably because I was traumatised. Instead of spending one year/2 semesters (8-9 months actually), I took a break after the first semester. If you have been following my blog, you would know why. It was the darkest period of my life. I had just gotten my permanent residency at that time. I was beginning to make up my mind to remain and settle down here. I had also just broken up. Like finally, officially, effectively broken up. I had finally convinced myself that enough is enough. It was my very first relationship. I was very heart broken. I told myself that I wanted to be happy, to get rid of the blu...

Tomorrow is Valentine's. I didn't plan, not because i didn't want to plan but because I have been too busy and stressed these days.  I hate big days. Christmas never worked out for me, nor did CNY, my birthdays, mother's day, father's day. Somehow I feel like I am cursed.  There was a year, mother's day. I bought a tub of ice cream (too young, so I asked my dad to bring me to the supermarket to buy it). I kept it at the freezer. I already had a plan. I wanted to 'present' it to my mum that night. But when I went to have my afternoon nap, my mum opened it and ate some of it. To me at that time, the gift wasn't perfect anymore. I was upset and angry and I told my mum that she 'stole' the ice cream because technically it wasn't hers yet. In the end, we were both upset.  My birthday. I have stopped celebrating/stopped hoping that someone would surprise me on my birthday for a very long time. Very frankly, all I would wish for on my...