It's been more than 3 months since I last had a sexual contact.
Ever since my last sexual episode, (I being the top and had unprotected oral sex) I had bouts of worries, panic attacks and possibly depression according to my GP.
Things were getting better. My last test, taken more than 12 weeks post that, was negative. I started weights in gym again. I tried to talk to new friends. I had a hair cut two days ago. I had a house party last night.
But having no sexual/ body contact with someone for more than 3 months had made me quite horny recently, to be honest. Nonetheless, I tried to control my thoughts, and just jerked off, fantasized, watched porn. All safe things.
This evening, I messaged a guy on Jack'D. He stated on his profile that he's both a personal trainer and a masseur. He's free to meet this evening too.
Him: $80 for massage, $100 for 'happy ending' and $150 for erotic naked massage
Him: so do you only wan professional massage
Me: Err is that ok?
Him: Ok.
I told him I had sore necks and shoulders and lower back pain too. He was fully clothed.
I wasn't quite impressed with the massage, and 10 mins into it, I paused him and said he could actually go harder.
Still, not very hard. And suddenly, I noticed that he was naked! I didn't know when he took off his clothes and shorts.
The massage was very 'simple', just applying oil all over my body and the way he did it was really 'casual'.
The weird thing was, he applied the oil to my butt oil and slightly pushed his finger in.
I didn't say anything. I thought he was probably trying to seduce me for extra services.
He then went on to get even closer to my body. I could feel his body too. He played with my butt hole and suddenly, took out some lube and applied it to my butt hole. I thought, oh well, probably he's really into me and wanted to play with me a bit even though I didn't ask him to.
And then, he put on the condom.
I said no and thanked him for that. He brought my hands to his body and let me touched it. He is well built. He then stroked my dick and said he wanted to jerk me off. I said no.
Till that point, I was very 'happy' to touch and play and all that. Just didn't want anything that's really sexual like cumming or fucking. I just wanted that body contact. If you know what I mean.
Finally I relented. I asked him to jerk me off.
In the end, when asked how much should I pay, he said $150. I was quite shocked! And I asked him why and he said coz I told him i wanted the erotic massage.
He mistook 'err is that ok', err as erotic. What the hell! He said it's my fault for not being clear enough but I said I really didn't wan an erotic massage. Anyway, I managed to bargain with him and got away by paying him $100.
The end.
Now, I'm feeling exhausted. Mentally.
HIV scare again? Though this time we didn't even have oral sex. he spitted on my dick. Yes, saliva should not be able to infect me with HIV, but there's always a but. I guess, given that it's done now, I can only say it's all fate maybe if I'm really infected because of this.
I am tired with having worries.
On my way back, I walked past my ex's apartment. From the masseur's place to the bus stop, I was in my own world, regretting, hating myself and all that.
The same path, one year ago, there were us walking together. Regardless of what happened, or what our mood was, we were still together, walking together.
The same path, two years ago, I didn't even know the existence of the sauna. I didn't know I was that close to you physically, given the location of your apartment, and that I would fall in love with you.
Yes, I was very innocent. Very naive.
Now, I am as dirty as the toilet water. I am still haunted by scares and negative thoughts. I am living in denial. New friends don't know my recent past. I don't know how to explain my current situation (not attending uni, etc.)
Maybe you would think I am crazy. I should just enjoy life as a versatile gay man, not worry about saliva.
Or maybe you would think if I am infected one day, I deserve it, because time and time again, I have proven myself to be a slut, regardless of whether I had sex or not.
If you have time, and if you can lend me a ear, can we skype? I really need someone to tell me.
Ever since my last sexual episode, (I being the top and had unprotected oral sex) I had bouts of worries, panic attacks and possibly depression according to my GP.
Things were getting better. My last test, taken more than 12 weeks post that, was negative. I started weights in gym again. I tried to talk to new friends. I had a hair cut two days ago. I had a house party last night.
But having no sexual/ body contact with someone for more than 3 months had made me quite horny recently, to be honest. Nonetheless, I tried to control my thoughts, and just jerked off, fantasized, watched porn. All safe things.
This evening, I messaged a guy on Jack'D. He stated on his profile that he's both a personal trainer and a masseur. He's free to meet this evening too.
Him: $80 for massage, $100 for 'happy ending' and $150 for erotic naked massage
Him: so do you only wan professional massage
Me: Err is that ok?
Him: Ok.
I told him I had sore necks and shoulders and lower back pain too. He was fully clothed.
I wasn't quite impressed with the massage, and 10 mins into it, I paused him and said he could actually go harder.
Still, not very hard. And suddenly, I noticed that he was naked! I didn't know when he took off his clothes and shorts.
The massage was very 'simple', just applying oil all over my body and the way he did it was really 'casual'.
The weird thing was, he applied the oil to my butt oil and slightly pushed his finger in.
I didn't say anything. I thought he was probably trying to seduce me for extra services.
He then went on to get even closer to my body. I could feel his body too. He played with my butt hole and suddenly, took out some lube and applied it to my butt hole. I thought, oh well, probably he's really into me and wanted to play with me a bit even though I didn't ask him to.
And then, he put on the condom.
I said no and thanked him for that. He brought my hands to his body and let me touched it. He is well built. He then stroked my dick and said he wanted to jerk me off. I said no.
Till that point, I was very 'happy' to touch and play and all that. Just didn't want anything that's really sexual like cumming or fucking. I just wanted that body contact. If you know what I mean.
Finally I relented. I asked him to jerk me off.
In the end, when asked how much should I pay, he said $150. I was quite shocked! And I asked him why and he said coz I told him i wanted the erotic massage.
He mistook 'err is that ok', err as erotic. What the hell! He said it's my fault for not being clear enough but I said I really didn't wan an erotic massage. Anyway, I managed to bargain with him and got away by paying him $100.
The end.
Now, I'm feeling exhausted. Mentally.
HIV scare again? Though this time we didn't even have oral sex. he spitted on my dick. Yes, saliva should not be able to infect me with HIV, but there's always a but. I guess, given that it's done now, I can only say it's all fate maybe if I'm really infected because of this.
I am tired with having worries.
On my way back, I walked past my ex's apartment. From the masseur's place to the bus stop, I was in my own world, regretting, hating myself and all that.
The same path, one year ago, there were us walking together. Regardless of what happened, or what our mood was, we were still together, walking together.
The same path, two years ago, I didn't even know the existence of the sauna. I didn't know I was that close to you physically, given the location of your apartment, and that I would fall in love with you.
Yes, I was very innocent. Very naive.
Now, I am as dirty as the toilet water. I am still haunted by scares and negative thoughts. I am living in denial. New friends don't know my recent past. I don't know how to explain my current situation (not attending uni, etc.)
Maybe you would think I am crazy. I should just enjoy life as a versatile gay man, not worry about saliva.
Or maybe you would think if I am infected one day, I deserve it, because time and time again, I have proven myself to be a slut, regardless of whether I had sex or not.
If you have time, and if you can lend me a ear, can we skype? I really need someone to tell me.
The paranoia has to stop! :O. Get away from the negativity~ You're missing out with many happy things out there. I've been in this what i called for myself, the 'depressed' period before when I was like 17 as well. And since then, i've stopped sex for 2 years plus and many friends has made fun of me being a nun >_>". But then again, my point is, you've got to put an effort to get out from this dark world you're in now and live life like there's no tomorrow ;).
ReplyDeleteI mean, all the results has been negative (amen!) and you shouldn't be worried about it anymore. Just do your regular health check ups (not every week) and it should be great! At least you're not living in denial without those checkups and constantly being worried. That's way more unhealthy.
And please, having sex doesnt make you a slut. No one has the rights to judge you based on that. And you yourself, should not even call urself a slut lol! Every man has their needs and it's your own personal thing. If you're comfortable with it and need it, why not?
Now, for your ex issue, slowly take time and move on. That's the healthiest way I can think of. I know it's hard (been there done that), but you've just got to. Who knows without realizing it, you're actually missing out many great guys out there? :D
Regarding the massage, poor you for the $100 :S.
So yeah, take care and stop being paranoid already ;). Go out have fun! (and i dont mean fun as in sex). Hang out with friends, go on a road trip with them or something, have great food (i know there's plenty of awesome possum food in Aussie!) etc.
Thanks Alex...
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