How to be happy again?

It's the 29th of December already, 2013 will be over in two days' time.

2013, has been very unpleasant to me. It's a year that's filled with fear, worries, sadness, despair. Partly my own doings actually.

And these negative feelings are not all gone yet. How do I make sure 2014 will be a brighter, happier year?

I am still worrying to be honest. It was about my last sexual encounter. [I had sex]

It was protected anal, unprotected oral. There was a lot of precum in my mouth, I don't know his status, I noticed I had a bit of sore gum/lining inside my mouth. 

I didn't blog about the tests I had. Actually, I had taken tests at week 4, 5 and 6 after that. They were all negative.

With the combination (antigen/antibody) tests, most people agree that the window period should be 4-6 weeks, because the HIV p24 antigen should peak at around 4 weeks, hence many of those infected were tested positive at week 3 or week 4.

The thing is, the first three days after the incident, I fed myself with Olive Leaf extract, twice a day. It might seem stupid but there were actually scientific evidence that OLE has antiviral properties against HIV and it 'inhibits cell-to-cell transmission' of the virus.

Because I knew that with my 'low risk' exposure, no doctors would agree that I should be put on PEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxis) and I myself also didn't want to go through the whole ordeal again. So I thought I would give it a try... I don't know if it's going to be effective, and also, I didn't know if I would have been infected by that event. I don't know, but at least...I'm doing something after my impulsive act....

I don't know if having taken OLE for 3 days would have any effect on the accuracy of the tests. I also don't know if things that I ate, such as Manuka honey, Chamomile tea on a regular basis (usually before I sleep) would have any effect too.

In less than a month's time, I will go home to Malaysia to celebrate Chinese New Year with my family. This year's CNY was kinda ruined by me. And my family trip to Sydney wasn't very well planned by me either. I don't want to be in a fragile emotional state again.

I am really afraid that what if when I am home, suddenly I fell very ill, with high fever and rashes all over. I am really afraid that it will happen.

These few days, my mood isn't very 'stable'. My nose was a bit 'wet', there was some snot/mucus but it was very little, not runny nose. And while I was having dinner with my friend just now, the area close to my Adam's Apple in my throat had this tingling feeling (a quite mild feeling but it was like I could feel the nerve connected to my lower front teeth).

Even symptoms like these can affect my mood quite seriously.

I know I should totally avoid having sex now because that's always the trigger to worries and fears and guilt afterwards.

But for now, other than having another test, and not having weird symptoms, nothing seems to be able to change the fact that I had sex with a random guy, and it wasn't the first time.